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The Haven Herald

Diary of a Dwarf

Mulch Diggums here, writing from my new apartment in Downtown Haven. This is my blog, not my diary, the writers at Haven Herald thought that Diary of a Dwarf would sound better. To have a diary is so… feminine. So remember that. This is NOT a diary!

I can’t believe that Holly’s gone, or even Artemis. The donkey says that it isn’t very likely that we’ll see them in this century, but I can tell that even he believed they would make it. So do I, Artemis and Holly have gotten through so much. I don’t care what fancy statistics pony-boy’s computer pops out, a little hole in time wouldn’t stop them.

At least I hope not. Minerva felt responsible, and it didn’t matter how many times I tried to tell her that Artemis and Holly could hardly be bested by a young girl, she still felt guilty. Ah well, child genii can be so egotistical. I know that there’s no reasoning with Artemis (he simply feels that his logic is superior), why would Minerva be any different?

Butler told Minerva everything. Foaly was outraged, to him another child genius only meant another person who could possibly hack his system (though he wouldn’t admit it). I saw Minerva’s face when she thought she caused Artemis and Holly’s little journey, and I doubt that she will cause any trouble soon.

After the gang and I got back to Haven, in absolute shock, I received a notice informing me that I am now the official owner of the private investigation firm that Holly and I ran together, it reminded me that I would need to start paying bills right away.

When you want to apply to start a business the LEP takes years, but when there are bills to be paid they scarcely take an hour. Now that I’m legit and legal I guess I’ll have to do something to earn money. Maybe I could start the PI business back up again, but without Holly it just won’t be the same.

The LEP (okay, just Vinyaya) offered a place to me, not as an official officer, but as a “friend of the LEP”. They said that my magnificent talents might be useful, and they are, of course, right. As much as my criminal life is behind me (well, for now), I just can’t join forces with the LEP. They’ve been my worst enemy for too long. And I never even got my medal.

Doohdah Day also got offered a job. I don’t know why, all he does is drive vehicles, not nearly as impressive as having the ability to tunnel through solid concrete. It doesn’t really matter though, he turned it down anyway.

Though, that did give me an idea. What were two, resourceful fairies such as ourselves doing unemployed? Combine my brains and unbeatable talents and Doohdah’s mindless ability to drive trucks, why, we’d make a fantastic team! We both know everything there is to know about criminals, and sure, the pixie may need a little counseling from me first, but after a few tries I’m sure he’d get the hang of it!

So I called him up, and he said yes, of course. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot, with the whole “he gets a full pardon for helping out on one mission while I only got a reduced sentence for years of service” thing. I mean, it was completely unfair, and I did get ripped off, but hey, it wasn’t the little guy’s fault. It was the LEP’s. Well, we’ll work together until Holly gets back, at least.

In recent news, Ark Sool has been kicked out of the Council and stripped of his ranks. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. The swear toad actually thought that he could allow the eighth family of fairy to die out, he didn’t want to waist his funding. Well, most of Haven certainly didn’t agree with him or his plans to build him self a cozy little mansion on Oaktree lane. He was out of there faster than you could say D’arvit (I hope that they don’t censor that, you know how picky newspapers can be).

You know, I could have sworn I saw some gnome, who looked suspiciously like the former Commander, busking for change near a supermarket. Though it is unlikely, I doubt anybody so stiff could do such a fantastic Irish Jig.

That’s it for now, next month Doodah and I will be down the road to PI success, but I guess I can take a little time out of my busy schedule (with the ladies and all) to write about it in the Haven Herald. Good-bye my fans, until next time.

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Comments on This Post

26 responses to “The Haven Herald.” Join in!

  1. Awsome issue! Great job, guys! I didn’t win any awards. 🙁 You had better watch your back, BlackOpal! Next year, that “Mad for Avatars award is mine!!! 😀

  2. Bring it on. 😛

    Awesome as always! (Alliterations are also awesome)

  3. xox Miss Livia xox February 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am 3

    nice issue guys..i got third for sigalicious 🙁 Oh Well! Better luck next time XD, where were the awards for member of the month and such?

    mwa xx

  4. Hey I won I

  5. My last post went a bit funky there. Any way congrats to everyone else and I can’t wait for next years awards 😉

  6. Hey, mucho congrats to all of the awards winners!Great issue, as always.Loved the “diary of a dwarf”

  7. where were the awards for member of the month and such?

    Well, since we had the annual award results, we just thought of dropping it for this month. 😉 We’ll have it back next month so don’t worry. 😛

    Anyway, thanks everyone. 🙂 And thanks for participating, as always. 😀

  8. Awesome issue guys!!!I would like to thank site team for all the effort!And congratulations to ALL winners and nominees.You guys rock!!!!!Articles for this issue are great.I really enjoyed it!!!

  9. Could someone explain the awards? Especially the “Fangathering ate my homework” award

  10. You should post “So you wanna be a Tunnel Burglar”. Great job though. I don’t think I could make the cut for the wrestling though. I’ve also seen plenty of wrestlers eat pizza… and is licking your elbows even possible?

  11. @Star Jinin: Ooops, yeah, okay I’ve added links to the category names, so fee free to click on them to know what each award is all about. 🙂

    Yeah, licking elbows is possible. I have a friend who can do it. As for the pizza… 😳 Well, hopefully they aren’t female wrestlers. 😆 And thanks for the tunnel burglar idea! 😛

  12. lol! I loved this issue! And I;m glad they continued the “So You Wanna Be A…” article. And they got more Much in there too! ^^ Keep up the good work everybody!

  13. Yay, I won 3 awards! Sweet 😀 Congratz to all other winners! 🙂

  14. 017350 should DEFINALLY have won for “mad for avatars” award. I saw his(or her) avatar and burst out laughing! I didn’t know we could vote so I am definally going to vote him/her next year!

  15. Awesomeness! I didn’t win anything, but I got nominated for a ton of things! heck, I almost won Most Devoted Shipper! I don’t even try, you know. XD

    Hey, great job all you winners! And an awesome issue of the Herald!

  16. Mentos_not_mental February 12th, 2008 at 2:02 pm 16

    Hey!!! CONGRATS to all who have won. I really liked these articles. The diary of a dwarf was really funny.

  17. im so sick of waiting for the time paradox!!! Come on Colfer, out with it!!!:)))))

  18. ARTY'SELFFRIEND February 25th, 2008 at 9:21 pm 18

    Omg, inBook recomendations, Coraline was really good! Buttons frighten me deeply now. U all who read it, U know what I’m talking bout……Hehe! They were all like 😯 I was all 🙁 Yikes.

  19. HAHAHAHA! in yo face ah!!!!! A/M has me, the supermegagigapownallshipper of the wurld!!!!!! i will slaughter you all with my super shippyness!!!!!

  20. I just realized…I’m on the list for the nominees and stuff and I won the Name the Name…and…This is scaring me now.
    On gosh.
    Well, thanks you guys.

  21. OMG! YAY!!!! I can’t believe I received an award! and right up there next to the editors too! *EEEEEEEEEP* I must give myself a 3D award of a chocolate doughnut!  Congrats BlackOpal on getting an award in almost everything!!!! I love ur Avatar 017350!!! 😀 😀 😀 😀 : D 😀 😀 😀  😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

  22. hey wat up people

  23. Jesus this has all changed so much!! What happened to the forum?!

  24. I don’t know……

  25. @Hellspawn: You don’t like it? 🙁 And the forum was upgraded.. Anyway, go ask Michael yourself. 😉

  26. Artemis fowl is a horrible book you should all get a life and find something better to do than read this dumb junk.

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