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The Haven Herald

So You Wanna Be… A Female Wrestler

The So You Wanna Be… series consists of several how-to guides that may serve as helpful resources when deciding upon a career. Each issue will feature one article that lays out a step-by-step plan for aspiring criminal masterminds, female wrestlers, reconnaissance officers, and the like.

DISCLAIMER: FanGathering and the author of this article are not responsible for arrests, lawsuits, and bankruptcies that may arise in the abuse of such guides. These guides are for infotainment purposes only. Read at your own risk.

So you wanna be a female wrestler, eh?

Before you get all excited, there is an important self-test that you must perform before proceeding with this how-to guide.

Are you ready? Let’s begin.

  1. Ask yourself the following question: Am I a boy or a girl?
  2. If your answer is girl, proceed to the next step. If your answer is boy, please stop reading this article immediately! There is a reason why this is called So You Wanna Be… A Female Wrestler, you know.
  3. Are you below five years old? If your answer is yes, congratulations, you still have time to become a female wrestler! If your answer is no, then do the best that you can. This guide is for those who do spinning kicks at age two (or below).
  4. Flex your right elbow if you are right-handed, or flex your left one if you are left-handed.
  5. Try licking your elbow.
  6. If you succeed, you are flexible enough and may proceed to read the rest of this article.
  7. If you have failed, go read the next Haven Herald article. I am sorry to say that you are not female wrestler material, for you are not flexible enough.

You see, being a female wrestler is more than mere acting or silly buffoonery. Wrestling is a legitimate sport, and just like all legitimate sports, it requires great skills–mad skills, even. This guide will attempt to tell you how to become the best of the best of the best. So don’t sit back and relax! Get up, get your weights, and start lifting them while reading this article. If you succeed in doing this, then you’re definitely female wrestler material! 😀 If you fail, then you fail. Go get a job at your local grease pit and start flipping burgers, you poor wannabe.

Alright, let’s make you a female wrestler. Here’s how:

Step 1: Making Sure You’re Fit Enough.

Are you still doing what I told you to do?

What am I talking about?

Lifting weights while reading this article, that’s what I’m talking about.

So… Are you still lifting weights while reading this article?

You see, all wrestlers are obviously very very physically fit. They eat, drink, and breathe physical fitness. Aside from lifting all the weights that they could (they carry their cars instead of riding on them), they’ve given up all the candy and sweets, and most of them opt for those nasty protein shakes. Sugar is a no-no, and so are soda, hot chocolate, coffee, Lucozade, lemonade, orange juice, and pop-tarts. Haribo gummies aren’t allowed, either. Included in the diet blacklist are instant ramen, M&M’s, pizza, and pasta. Cake, rice, sushi, french fries, chicken, and mashed potatoes aren’t allowed. Salad isn’t allowed, and no, not even tofu. Obviously, no dairy products are allowed, so say good bye to ice cream, milk, and cheese. If you want to be a physically fit female wrestler, you may only drink protein shakes and drink on cotton balls dipped in olive oil. Oh yeah, you may also drink water.

The cotton balls come in different colors, at least. 😉

Step 2: Making Sure That You’ve Got Your Signature Moves.

The biggest myth that everyone has about professional wrestling is that it’s fake. You see, it isn’t. Faking a bleeding forehead from getting hit by a metal chair isn’t really the easiest thing to do, so professional wrestlers instead do the real thing. Yes, female pro wrestlers included. So now that you’re physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually fit, all that’s left for you to do is to practice your moves. Your moves are what’s going to make you or break you.

But how do you come up with super cool signature moves? Simple: go out and look for things to try them out on. Many scientists have discovered the best substances, ideas, and equations by mere accident, and I’m sure that we could apply the same principles when it comes to wrestling moves. Creativity is key, so you can start exactly where you are. Getting creative also includes thinking of awesome things to call your brand new moves, names such as a super punch called “End of the World”, a headbutt called “The Kiss of Death”, a combination of a bear hug and body slam called “Don’t Call Me Baby”, a combination of a roundhouse kick and somersault called, “Better than the Chuck Norris Special”, or a combination of an elbow strike, knee strike, groin kick, and body slam called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.

It’s easy. Try it on your teddy bear, or your pillows. When you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t try this on people; you might end up as a juvenile delinquent. Maybe.

Step 3: Making Sure That You’ve Got The Personality.

Professional female wrestlers become famous not only due to their mad skills, but because of their very unique personalities. If you love acting and playing dress-up, then this job is definitely for you.

The first thing that defines everyone’s personality is the name. Juliet Butler came out as Jade Princess, but I’m sure that you can do better. However, if your creativity is running pretty low, there’s a simple formula for coming up with your female wrestler name:

Your Favorite Adjective + Your Favorite {Gem, Flower, Stone, Animal, Object} = Your Wrestler Name

They also sometimes use names of goddesses or add generic prefixes such as “Princess”, “Queen”, or “Dominatrix”.

Aside from the obvious name requirement, working on your personality involves your clothes, language, facial expression, overall temperament, and wrestling diva entrance song, which must all match your chosen wrestler name. No, “Death Mistress” should not wear pink frilly dresses, act like a ballerina on the ring, and have “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion as her diva entrance song. “Ice Blossom” should not resort to crying when she couldn’t get what she wants, nor is she allowed to sing to anything by Avril Lavigne. “Ice Assassin” should have an ice-related costume, should not use fire in her stunts, and must stay away from the Spice Girls or Cheetah Girls.

Remember: things should match everything. When everything perfectly matches, then congratulations: you have a personality. 😀

Step 4: Making Sure That You Get A Job.

This is going to be the easiest to write about, but probably the most difficult step of all. The wrestling job is the highlight of your entire career, because obviously, if you don’t land one then you might as well keep flipping burgers at your local burger joint.

It all seems too simple, really: start winning your wrestling matches locally, get your name out there, and hope that a professional wrestling circuit spots you and recruits you. The secret lies in getting your name out there. If your name and your moves are outrageous enough (see Step 3), you’ll get famous quicker. The sooner you get famous, the sooner that you’ll land that much-coveted job. 😉

Step 5: Making Sure That You Never Fade Away.

Now that you have a job, mad wrestling moves, your own unique personality, and perhaps tons of protein shakes, it’s time to make sure that you hold on to your fame and never fade away.

The surest way to fight the dreaded “has-been” status is to be friendly with the paparazzi. If the paparazzi, your fans, and your fellow wrestlers get tired of you, make sure that you contact MTV and sign up for your own reality show, just like what Hulk Hogan did. You can then continue selling tacky electric grills, just like what George Foreman did. Oh wait, he’s a boxer.

If things do not work out for you, you must have a backup plan. In extreme cases, your backup plan must also involve several alternatives to a life of pro wrestling. In extreme cases.

If all else fails, don’t blame this guide.

If you were brilliant, you would know what infotainment means. 😉

Good luck on your chosen career!

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Comments on This Post

26 responses to “The Haven Herald.” Join in!

  1. Awsome issue! Great job, guys! I didn’t win any awards. 🙁 You had better watch your back, BlackOpal! Next year, that “Mad for Avatars award is mine!!! 😀

  2. Bring it on. 😛

    Awesome as always! (Alliterations are also awesome)

  3. xox Miss Livia xox February 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am 3

    nice issue guys..i got third for sigalicious 🙁 Oh Well! Better luck next time XD, where were the awards for member of the month and such?

    mwa xx

  4. Hey I won I

  5. My last post went a bit funky there. Any way congrats to everyone else and I can’t wait for next years awards 😉

  6. Hey, mucho congrats to all of the awards winners!Great issue, as always.Loved the “diary of a dwarf”

  7. where were the awards for member of the month and such?

    Well, since we had the annual award results, we just thought of dropping it for this month. 😉 We’ll have it back next month so don’t worry. 😛

    Anyway, thanks everyone. 🙂 And thanks for participating, as always. 😀

  8. Awesome issue guys!!!I would like to thank site team for all the effort!And congratulations to ALL winners and nominees.You guys rock!!!!!Articles for this issue are great.I really enjoyed it!!!

  9. Could someone explain the awards? Especially the “Fangathering ate my homework” award

  10. You should post “So you wanna be a Tunnel Burglar”. Great job though. I don’t think I could make the cut for the wrestling though. I’ve also seen plenty of wrestlers eat pizza… and is licking your elbows even possible?

  11. @Star Jinin: Ooops, yeah, okay I’ve added links to the category names, so fee free to click on them to know what each award is all about. 🙂

    Yeah, licking elbows is possible. I have a friend who can do it. As for the pizza… 😳 Well, hopefully they aren’t female wrestlers. 😆 And thanks for the tunnel burglar idea! 😛

  12. lol! I loved this issue! And I;m glad they continued the “So You Wanna Be A…” article. And they got more Much in there too! ^^ Keep up the good work everybody!

  13. Yay, I won 3 awards! Sweet 😀 Congratz to all other winners! 🙂

  14. 017350 should DEFINALLY have won for “mad for avatars” award. I saw his(or her) avatar and burst out laughing! I didn’t know we could vote so I am definally going to vote him/her next year!

  15. Awesomeness! I didn’t win anything, but I got nominated for a ton of things! heck, I almost won Most Devoted Shipper! I don’t even try, you know. XD

    Hey, great job all you winners! And an awesome issue of the Herald!

  16. Mentos_not_mental February 12th, 2008 at 2:02 pm 16

    Hey!!! CONGRATS to all who have won. I really liked these articles. The diary of a dwarf was really funny.

  17. im so sick of waiting for the time paradox!!! Come on Colfer, out with it!!!:)))))

  18. ARTY'SELFFRIEND February 25th, 2008 at 9:21 pm 18

    Omg, inBook recomendations, Coraline was really good! Buttons frighten me deeply now. U all who read it, U know what I’m talking bout……Hehe! They were all like 😯 I was all 🙁 Yikes.

  19. HAHAHAHA! in yo face ah!!!!! A/M has me, the supermegagigapownallshipper of the wurld!!!!!! i will slaughter you all with my super shippyness!!!!!

  20. I just realized…I’m on the list for the nominees and stuff and I won the Name the Name…and…This is scaring me now.
    On gosh.
    Well, thanks you guys.

  21. OMG! YAY!!!! I can’t believe I received an award! and right up there next to the editors too! *EEEEEEEEEP* I must give myself a 3D award of a chocolate doughnut!  Congrats BlackOpal on getting an award in almost everything!!!! I love ur Avatar 017350!!! 😀 😀 😀 😀 : D 😀 😀 😀  😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

  22. hey wat up people

  23. Jesus this has all changed so much!! What happened to the forum?!

  24. I don’t know……

  25. @Hellspawn: You don’t like it? 🙁 And the forum was upgraded.. Anyway, go ask Michael yourself. 😉

  26. Artemis fowl is a horrible book you should all get a life and find something better to do than read this dumb junk.

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