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The Haven Herald

So You Wanna Be… A Criminal Mastermind

The So You Wanna Be… series consists of several how-to guides that may serve as helpful resources when deciding upon a career. Each issue will feature one article that lays out a step-by-step plan for aspiring criminal masterminds, female wrestlers, reconnaissance officers, and the like.

DISCLAIMER: FanGathering and the author of this article are not responsible for arrests, lawsuits, and bankruptcies that may arise in the abuse of such guides. These guides are for infotainment purposes only. Read at your own risk.

So you wanna be a criminal mastermind, eh?

Let’s get things straight from the get-go: it is not an easy task. Usually, one major requirement in the criminal mastermind department is a rich (no pun intended) history of criminal activities in the family. The more criminally prominent your family is, the higher the probability that you are genetically predisposed to inheriting the traits that make a brilliant criminal mastermind. If you are indeed born into a family with an impressive criminal record, then look no further beyond this point. You may already be a criminal mastermind yourself. 😉

For the poor wannabes who are not as fortunate as their criminally-gifted counterparts, fret not! Being born into a family of criminal masterminds may give you an edge, but it is also possible to become a criminal mastermind. It is hard work, but it is possible.

Are you ready? Then let’s begin.

Step 1: Making Sure You’re Brilliant Enough.

Let’s face it: criminal masterminds ought to be highly intelligent despite of the moral implications brought upon them by their chosen profession. However, it never really is about morality when it comes to a life of crime. Criminal masterminds have no morals, though they do have a lot of what people would call ‘smarts’. If you have an IQ of 450 and above, then you’re all set for Step 2. If not, make sure that you follow these IQ-building exercises that I shall tell you about.

Well, there really are no IQ-raising exercises, I lied. However, there is one thing you can do to raise your IQ: think. Think of a cure to cancer, or a fool-proof plan to stop Global Warming. Think of existing things, and think up of many hypothetical things as well. Think about thinking when there is nothing to think about, and think about not thinking when you wish not to think anymore. You get the drill. Proceed to follow these next steps when your IQ reaches 450. Of course, you can still read them anyway, if you want to.

Step 2: Making Sure You Can Afford It.

Business-minded people need money to help them fund their fledgling little start-ups, and since being a criminal mastermind is almost like a business, the same notion goes for the life of high crime. Common petty thieves are not criminal masterminds; they’re poor lazy bums who don’t plan ahead. You want to be a criminal mastermind and perhaps exploit some unexplored species, or steal from super secret Swiss banks. In order to do all these things, you should be able to get some funding for your equipment.

If you don’t know where to get your money, you can try two things. The first option is for you to ask your parents for money. Convince them that a life of crime is worth their investment. If you are successful, well done. If not, you can try another person, like Santa Claus. As early as January, you must begin composing your letter to the jolly old man. Tell him that instead of giving you such pointless presents, why not give you money instead? Wouldn’t that be more cost-effective? Doesn’t it make more business sense? Tell him that sending you money would save his poor little elves’ valuable labor–and that is a win-win situation for everyone. If you succeed, then you are on your way to becoming a criminal mastermind. Almost.

Step 3: Making Sure That You Look Good.

Common criminals look like trash; criminal masterminds look class. If you want to lead the life of high crime, you must first look respectable–fashionable, even. Trade your jeans and sneakers for some smart slacks and genuine leather shoes. Keep all jewelry to a minimum, but wear real ones, if you have to. Leave all of your youthful clothing behind and embrace the timeless beauty of millionaire chic.

Aside from the obvious clothing requirements, looking good also involves your facial expression. Now that you have decided that you will now become a criminal mastermind, lock up all your emotions and throw them away. A criminal mastermind does not make funny faces. A criminal mastermind does not laugh boisterously. A criminal mastermind may only laugh–sparingly–when the situation permits, and must always be prim and proper. Remember to look classy all the time without really trying too hard.

Step 4: Making Sure That You Have Some Minions.

A criminal mastermind must have at least one or two minions near him. This is where the money comes into play. Most of the time, criminal masterminds have to pay their minions, but sometimes, when minions prove to be loyal, you don’t have to do this since they will work for you for free. In order to make sure that your minions are loyal to you, you must make sure to keep them in constant awe. Now this is where your 450 IQ comes into play. A cardinal rule in criminal mastermindery is to make sure that your minions are less intelligent than you are.

Now where to look for minions? Simply put up a sign outside your door along the lines of, “WANTED: Loyal Minions Who Wish To Pursue A Life of Crime. Rewarding Pay and Awesome Criminal Mastermind Employer Awaits. Inquire Inside.” Your minions will take care of your weapons, equipment, and execution. It’s that simple, really.

Step 5: Making Sure That You Have A Plan.

Now that you have your brains, money, looks, and minions, all you need is a plan. You need a lucrative prospect, preferably in the field of the arts, sciences, or finance. Make sure that nobody knows your entire plan, but at the same time, be ready to trust your minions. Also make sure that you have several backup plans in case your plan doesn’t work. But of course, you’re now a brilliant criminal mastermind, so of course your plan shall work!

In extreme cases, your backup plan must also involve several alternatives to a life of crime. In extreme cases.

If all else fails, don’t blame this guide.

If you were brilliant, you would know what infotainment means. 😉

Good luck on your chosen career!

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Comments on This Post

25 responses to “The Haven Herald.” Join in!

  1. Umm…just so you know, I’m a girl…

  2. The “You wann be a crimminal mastermind” was AWESOME! Except I think cash instead of presents is kinda unlikely and crimminal masterminds probably get coal instead of presents. Keep it up!

  3. Sorry about that! I’ll fix it.

  4. Fixed. XD

    Ah, and yeah, great point about the coal. Thanks. 🙂 The guide assumes that you’re still on Santa’s “nice” list, though.

  5. I’m sorry I didn’t get the advice out on time…..

  6. Great issue guys!!!As always!!!!Articles are great and everything looks very nice!!!Congrats to all winners and you Star Jinin!!

  7. Meo!  Feandril!  Holly314!Great Job!Also congrats to Star and K_K and Forsaken.

  8. [Statement]: Artificial intelligence – not amused. Putting brackets is not about being cool. It’s about being productive. It’s about expressing your emotions clearly. Something we cyborgs are far better in than you humans. Or at least would be if we HAD emotions… but we don’t……[Confused Query]: What was this about anyway? [Reseting. Success.][Humanizing. Success.(WOW!)]Umm… yay for me… Newbie? >.>Sure makes MY day… :p [Ending. Success.(Two in a ROW!? Who would have thought)

  9. this is my first post on this I’m new lol

  10. Feandril, what are with these things: []?

  11. I have a science project due tomorrow

  12. HELLO welcome Nokomis
    congratulation all winners and StarJinin

  13. Hello Nokomis!So did you like 5th issue guys?!Is there something you would like to change?!

  14. Iloved the “So You Wanna Be a Criminal Mastermind?” and “Opal’s View on TTP” They were both awesome!!! And congrats to Star Jinin! Yay you! 😀

  15. Hey guys! Congrats Meo! Yer awesome… really awesome…totally awesome! Hey congrats to everybody else too [statement] Hey Feandril! I knew you’d get noticed for your…unique style.

  16. [Statement]: Of course I would. My style and the fact that I am very cool. In fact, too cool… :Plol…

  17. Ty guys well I wonder what the new book by him is like anyone read it?

  18. I can’t read “The Haven Harold” Where is it? I can’t locate it on the site! 😕

  19. Oh! never mind… I feel stupid now.

  20. I got member of the month? Yay! *does happy dance* Thank you so much! 😀 😀 😀

  21. Congrats guys especially Meo and Feandril, well done :D.

  22. CONGRATS TO EVERYOE WHO HAS WON!!!! You definetly deserved it!!!!!

    Does anybody know if I have won anything in this competition ???????????? Cuz I have only read The Fourth and Fifth Haven Heralds. I can’t find the other ones, or else i would read them.

  23. Hmm, you may want to check out all the past Haven Heralds. Here’s everything from the very beginning, for everyone’s benefit:

    The Haven Herald Issue#1
    The Haven Herald Issue#2
    The Haven Herald Issue#3
    The Haven Herald Issue#4 


  24. hi!!
    i’m new here, i love the haven herald
    specialy the part of “so you wanna be a criminal mastermind?” ’cause actually i do… XD
    when i was little i wanted to plan a bank robbery haha. the problem: i don’t have that much money(and i don’t think santa claus will provide enough :P)and i don’t think can put a paper outside my door asking for minions (i don’t want them to start thinking i’ve gone crazy or someting hehe)…

  25. Хм… спорно, поспорил бы с автором…

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