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1. What is the difference between Mulch and Holly?
About 60 pounds.

2. How does Mulch take a bubble bath?
He goes digging through clay, about an hour in advance.

3. What do you get when you drop a piano on Trouble Kelp?
A flat major.

4. How do you make a centaur go ‘woof’?
Soak it in petrol and light it.

5. What is the thinnest book in the world?
Troll Psychology.

6. Why did Opal cross the road?
Forget the road!! How did she escape the LEP again???

7. What do you get when you cross an elf and a rhino?

8. What do you get if you cross Commander Root and Captain Holly Short?

9. What do you do if you find a troll in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

If Artemis Were An Operating System…

We all have our favourite operating system, Windows, Linux, OS X etc. Each one has its own special characteristics. Imagine for a second that Artemis was an operating system. What would it be like?

NB – The operating system name used here is made-up, and in the interest of being unbiased, I’ve merged the names of the three most popular operating systems into one; “WinuX.” (Yes, it looks very much like Linux, but with a “W”. Well, that’s just my bad luck…)

WinuX Artemis: Extremely advanced processing system. WinuX Artemis is capable of carrying out highly complex arithmetic and logic tasks at astonishingly high speed. Unfortunately, the system is not very user friendly, and crashes when you attempt to play games on it.

WinuX Bulter: The most secure operating system on the planet. Viruses, worms and spyware simply do not stand a chance of penetrating this system’s defences. WinuX Butler’s prime focus is defence, but it also performs well with a number of first-person shooter games.

WinuX Foaly: This operating system comes loaded with extras, with utilities such as an e-mail tracer, firewall penetrator and signal jammer. The only drawback is that the “desktop assistant” is extremely annoying, arrogant and cannot be turned off. Even the infamous “paperclip” of Windows is pale in comparison.

WinuX Root: This system is no longer operational, and can no longer be purchased. When it was in use, WinuX Root was known for its problems with overheating the computer.

WinuX Opal: When first released, WinuX Opal seemed very promising, but a crucial flaw resulted in it being recalled. After two years of bug-fixing, WinuX Opal was released again, only to find several more bugs in its system. WinuX Opal seems to have been taken off the market indefinitely now.