Artemis Fowl and the Cooking Catastophe

Summary: When Artemis is forced to take a cooking class with his brothers, distaster ensues.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl. At least, not yet. *evil laugh*

Chapter One: Scrumptious Sugar Cookies

J. Argon Institute, Atlantis

Artemis Fowl the Second was famous for many things, such as his impressive skill for hacking into computers, or his brilliant plans. However, cooking was not among his many talents. So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when Angeline Fowl visited J. Argon Institute with shocking news for Artemis.

“Arty, guess what?” Angeline beamed, “I just signed you up for Auntie Lydia’s Fancy Cuisine Class! You’ll have classes once a week!”

Artemis, who was visibly relaxing in a armchair, suddenly straightened, with a look of pure terror in his eyes.

“Moth-I mean, Mom!” Artemis protested, “I cannot attend this…this Cuisine Class! You knew perfectly well that I refused to go when you brought this up a while back. Furthermore, I am sure that these so called fancy cooks are nothing more than-”

“But…this is my gift to you, Arty!” his mother interrupted him with a pout, “Besides, you owe it to me.You’ve been slinking behind my back cheating fairies out of their gold. You could, at the very least, go to a cooking class.”

Artemis sighed. Just because he was a child genius didn’t mean he was immune to the guilt factor.

“Very well, then. I will go.”

“Good. It’s all settled then. Oh, and just one more thing. You won’t be lonely! Myles and Beckett are going too! You’ll keep an eye on them.” Angeline smiled enthusiastically.

Artemis groaned in despair.

Auntie Lydia’s Fancy Cuisine Class, Dublin, Ireland

“Hello, class! I’m Auntie Lydia! We’re making Scrumtious Sugar Cookies today!” bubbled a middle-aged blond lady.

“How exactly do ‘Scrumtious Sugar Cookies’ pass for fancy cuisine? I was under the immpression that we were cooking, not making cheap refreshments.  ” grumbled Artemis.

“Huh sweetie?” Auntie Lydia appeared baffled.

“Nothing.” Butler, who was supervising, replied while shooting Artemis a glare, “He’s sorry.”

“Well…okay. Now, class sit down at the red table over there and I’ll pass out the ingredients!” smiled Auntie Lydia.

The class ,which consisted of Artemis, Butler, Myles, Beckett, and a few other innocent bystanders, went over to the lipstick red table and sat down at the equally crimson stools.

Auntie Lydia gave placed eggs, flour, vanilla extract, baking soda, coffee, salt, sugar, butter, chocolate, vinegar, milk and mixing bowls on the red table.

Now we mix, mix, mix,” sang Auntie Lydia, “We mixity mix ’till it’s all done!”

Beckett and Myles, who were sitting next to Artemis, simultaneously stretched their pudgy hands out, grabbed a spoon and started mixing together random ingredients in their mixing bowls.

Artemis observed Myles’ cookie batter turning a lumpy brown, while Beckett managed to make his batter a grayish color. Not that Artemis’ cookie batter looked any better.

“Uh, Artemis?” Butler commented, “I’m pretty sure your eggshells aren’t supposed to go into the bowl…”

Butler trailed off as he caught a glimpse something disturbing. Beckett had just discovered the instant coffee packets randomly lying on the tables and was eagerly tearing them open. He started swallowing the coffee grains by the fistful.

Artemis stopped trying to pick out eggshell fragments from his bowl and looked up to see Beckett running around like a rabid pixie. Becket, in his mad rampage, had crashed into Myles’ mixing bowl. As a result, Myles’ starched suit was slathered in the brownish batter.

“Simple-toon!” wailed Myles.

Thirty Minutes Later

The rest of the cooking class had been equally interesting. Auntie Lydia had only fainted twice, and everyone was slathered with cookie batter. Beckett had to be pinned down by Butler, and after the three year old was dunked in water, he went back to normal. That is, if you consider making animal sounds every twenty seconds normal.

“OkayClassYourHomeworkIsToMakeCookiesForYourFriendsAndTellMeTheirFeedbackNowBye!” Auntie Lydia blurted before practically shoving them out the door.

“That went well…didn’t it?” grinned Myles.

“Meow!” shrieked Beckett randomly.

Fowl Manor

Artemis Fowl did not have many friends to make cookies for, at least, no human friends. So, after contemplating the issue for a few seconds, he reached a conclusion.

“Hello, Holly.” Artemis fingered the fairy communicator nervously. “Would you mind coming over to Fowl Manor tomorrow?”

There was a rush of static, and then Holly’s suspicious voice muttered, “Why? Another diabolical plan?”

“Actually, I’m making cookies, and I need your feedback.” Artemis answered.

“You? Cooking?” Holly Short tried to muffle a snort of laughter, “Wait a moment…is this Orion speaking? ‘Baking cookies’ is not exactly something Artemis would do, you know.”

“As a matter of fact, this is Artemis Fowl the Second. I have obviously overcome the Atlantis Complex months ago, so my alter-ego Orion does not exist.” Artemis sniffed, “Besides, Mother signed my up for this ridiculous cooking class that requires you to  make some cookies for your friends.”

“I see.” Holly said quickly, “I’ll have to get the others. Artemis Fowl trying to bake cookies…this is going to be hilarious.”

Holly hung up. Artemis grimaced. Just what he needed…Holly bringing a rounding up her fairy friends to laugh at his Scrumptious Sugar Cookies.

The Next Day

Knock-knock. Knock-knock.

Butler opened the door. There was nobody. And naturally, when you open the door to nobody, it can only mean one thing.

“Unshield, fairy.” Butler growled.

“Um, actually, it’s called cam-foil.” Foaly snorted, as he, Holly, Mulch and No1 suddenly appeared out of thin air.

“Welcome! Holly, Mulch, No1, Foaly, nice to see you!” Artemis popped out from behind Butler.

Artemis ushered the four fairies into the Fowl kitchen.

“Have a seat. I have just finished a batch of these ridiculous cookies.” Artemis handed them each a plate of cookies.

“Wait…we’re supposed to actually eat these things?” Foaly poked a cookie experimentally.

As Foaly prodded a particularly bloated sugar cookie, it popped, covering his hoof in a slimy green goo.

Meanwhile, Mulch stuffed the cookies into his mouth as fast as he could.

“Artemis, the cookies are greenish. Aren’t they supposed to be yellow?” No1 asked, puzzled.

Artemis plastered a grin on his face. “Of course they’re supposed to be that color.”

“The cookies have eggshells sticking out of them. That’s not right, is it?” Holly grinned innocently.

My cookie just about exploded. I have a feeling you messed up somewhere, Mud Boy.” Foaly joined in.

“Well, baking all those cookies was no easy feat, I assure you.” Artemis fumed, “Cooking is quite a bit more difficult than you’d expect. There-”

Bllllugggggghhhhhhhh! A horrific retching noise cut Artemis off mid-rant. Mulch had puked on the shiny kitchen floor.

“Those. Are. Some. Awful. Cookies.” Mulch gasped.

Holly dropped the cookie she had been about to take a bite out of.

“Actually, I might have some caviar in the fridge. Would you like a bite of that instead?” Artemis noticed the appalled looks on his friends faces.

“No thanks, I’ll pass, Arty. I have to go. Bye!” Holly strapped on her wings and left.

No1 glanced at Artemis, “Sorry, Artemis. Maybe next time. See you!”

No1 raised his fingers and blinked out, presumably to follow Holly home.

“So, I guess it’s just us three, then.” Artemis looked over at Foaly and Mulch.

“Nope. Just you.” Foaly answered, “We have a shuttle waiting to rush us down to Haven.”

“Bye, Mud Boy, and don’t ever cook for me again.” added Mulch.

They left. Artemis heaved a sigh and, without thinking, grabbed a cookie and bit into it.

Bllllugggggghhhhhhhh! Artemis threw up.

Mulch was right, Artemis decided, my cookies are nauseating.

Comments on This Post

8 responses to “Artemis Fowl and the Cooking Catastophe.” Join in!

  1. That was funny! FCD!! now you have to update or face my flying monkeys of awesomeness!!!

  2. Ohhhh Frond… Artemis cooking… OHMYGOSH! Gnocci explodes when you fry it! Watch this:

    I can’t wait for an update…

  3. Fowlfan4ever May 22nd, 2011 at 3:51 pm 3

    Cool! I don’t want to imagine Mulch’s throw up:(

  4. LEPreconGirl May 22nd, 2011 at 7:46 pm 4

    You are a really good writer! But I know dwarves can’t burp, so throw up? Only plot hole I noticed. Update, please?

  5. HollyArty foeva August 2nd, 2011 at 10:14 pm 5

    Dwarves can’t burp?!?!? I didn’t know that!!! R u shure!!

  6. I want the next lesson!

  7. Dwarfs pass flatulence instead of burping. So naturally, instead of throwing up….. ergh, I don’t want to think about it. Maybe stick to throwing up.
    But it’s really funny! Next time, try spagetti bolognaise. I did that once it Food Tech, and it was absolutely revolting, thanks to the sauce… and undercooked pasta, courtesy of yours truly. Or cupcakes! Imagine Beckett covered in frosting! Speaking of him, I noticed you spelt his name wrong in the part where he goes on the mad rampage. Other than that, I didn’t see any mistakes.
    5 stars!

  8. LOL! Artemis, COOKING?! When I saw the title, I knew this thing had to be halarious..

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