You are here: Home » FanFiction » ‘Fowl’ Recipes

‘Fowl’ Recipes

Summary: Mmm... I smell food. Do you ever wonder what our characters cook for themselves when they're feeling ravenous? Perhaps a slice of the Cake of Victory (Artemis Fowl's own)? Or maybe a slice of carrot cake, by Foaly? Or if you're feeling mean, make the Chocolate Truffle Delight, an age old recipe that's been stuffed up horribly by Opal. Mmmm... come have a taste of THIS!

Chapters: 1 2 3 4

10 votes, average: 5.00 out of 510 votes, average: 5.00 out of 510 votes, average: 5.00 out of 510 votes, average: 5.00 out of 510 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5 (10 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
You need to be a registered member to rate this post.

Reading Mode

This was inspired after I randomly decided to write something on my (only) other story, Watcha’ Talkin’ ‘Bout? I love anything funny and I love Artemis Fowl.

However, if there’s one thing I think could be improved of the site, it’s the updating system. When a story gets old here, it slips away to the back of the site and fails to get views! I think they ought to make something on the main page such as a ‘recently updated stories’ category.

Anyways, I’d like to thank anyone who welcomed me. With the welcomes came a marshmallow from ElfGoddess, a marshmallow from artyrox, a muffin from star7 and an ‘UPDATE OR FEAR MY WRATH’ note from Hermione Fowl (which I will treasure always).

Anyways, this comedy is about different food formulas (or formulae, by Arty’s standards) the characters in Artemis Fowl are bound to come up with sooner or later!


CookBook ONE

The following is an extract from the end of chapter 3 of ‘Watcha’ Talkin’ ‘Bout’… 

Fowl Recipes ONE – Artemis’s Cake of Victory

1. Prepare a dish (a satelite dish).

2. Order Butler to scare the onions so they do the crying for you.

3. Melt the butter. Make it slow and painful.

4. Order Holly to mesmerise the cows so they produce milk quicker.

 5. Order Mulch to tell one of his jokes so the eggs will crack up.

 6. Convince Julius Root to march the cream. If it doesn’t work, whip the cream.

7. Mix it all together. Double check to make sure the grease foil is not the paper you drew your newest prototype on.

8. Put it in the oven.

9. Wait two months. If your oven runs illegal neuclear energy, deduct 30 days from your wait time, and 30 years from your freedom.

10. Make sure the bomb you put in the oven in step 8 has exploded (and has thus annihilated all the germs).

11. Put the cake in the oven. OPTIONAL: Tell it that it is going to be cooked slowly and painfully. Explain in detail for bonus flavor.

12. Invite all your friends.

13. Kidnap and ransom them.

14. Celebrate your victory. Take the cake out of the oven.

15. Enjoy. 

‘Short’ Recipes by Holly ONE – Frustrated Mixture

Note: Only prepare this dish when feeling frustrated. No exceptions.

1. Put up a poster of someone you hate.

2. Blast poster with Neutrino until crisp. Make sure the person’s face is horribly screwed up for bonus points.

3. Pound burnt poster with bare fists until only a fine dust is left.

4. Collect the dust with the guts of a chicken.

5. Stuff it back into the chicken.

6. Slip the stuffed chicken into the mailbox of your annoying neighbour.

7. Sit down on sofa with a bowl of popcorn.

8. Wait for the screaming to begin.

9. Eat popcorn slowly.

10. Smile.

Root of the Taste ONE – Julius’s Caesar Salad

1. Telephone your local vegetable company.

2. Order 1kg of each of the following: carrots, lettuce, cabbage, tomato, potato.

3. Warn the company that if it is not delivered within 5 minutes you will issue a warrant of arrest.

4. Deliver corporal punishment to a random officer to pass the time.

5. When the vegetables arrive and after you pay, give the delivery elf a ridiculously low tip and slam the door in his face.

6. Tell the vegetables that you’re about to chop them to bits. Leave the room so they can sweat it out.

7. Prepare the sauce. Do this by crushing garlic with the butt of your pistol, and then sprinkling it over the sauce you bought (buy the sauce by repeating steps 1-5, but calling the bottled sauce company instead).

8. Once the vegetables have sweated it out, chop them into bits (use a medieval sword for bonus effect). Any ‘bad’ veggies can be wrapped up into a small parcel and kept for later.

9. Pour the vegetables into a bowl. Add sauce. Attempt to beat the cook’s record of 5.36 seconds. If you can’t, order your pony boy to hack into the database and change the whole damn record.

10. Force your troops to eat the salad. Anyone who doesn’t obey must be whacked with the parcel of ‘bad’ veggies.

Chapters: 1 2 3 4

Comments on This Post

26 responses to “‘Fowl’ Recipes.” Join in!

  1. Ha!!! Wonderfully random!!!!
    I extend my formal apologies for not being here to welcome you. Please allow me to erase this transgression. Hello!!! Welcome to Artemis Fowl II fanfictioning!!! ( and yes, that is a really word here!!!) I hope you enjoy your possibly short stay!!!

    *In fifteen minutes, this message will spontaneously combust, leaving no sign of the sender par the ashes. Have a nice day.*

  2. ArtemisfianceNo1 October 27th, 2010 at 7:12 pm 2

    That was hilariously awesome!!
    please more of your fanfics!!
    ’cause they always have me splitting my sides!! 🙂 😀

  3. Oh my, you are really one to watch.

    I shall lie in wait for your next comedic genuis.

    You’ve got talent my friend and for that I shall be giving you yet ANOTHER marshmellow, enjoy it slowly or use it as another recipe.

    Cannot wait for more *hint hint* 😀

  4. Grin.

    You’re the first humourous person to be here in a WHILE! So funny! Julius Caesar salad, I get it. “leave the room so they can sweat it out,”

    I loved the chicken thing! You’re great at this!

  5. That was awesome, particularly for a newbie. Thanks for mentioning me. 🙂 BUT:
    There was a big, weird, random, useless gap at the bottom.
    Each recipe should be a different chapter.
    It was too awesome to be allowed.

  6. Hmm, that’s two notes from Hermione Fowl.

    Tiny drawers… full of marshmallows, muffins and notes… can’t close…

  7. -clears throat-

    Great. Now I’m going to try to write something funny to see if I won’t fail for once. (I can write anything but angst, humour, ro—ro… mance, and anything worth Editor’s choice)

  8. You really like me, don’t you, Oh Silent One. Do you want a nickname, cause otherwise that’s gonna be it. 🙂

  9. Haha, oh Silent One?
    I don’t like anyone yet, it’s just that your UPDATE OF FEAR MY WRATH notes are wonderfully classical.

    Call me whatcha want, I’ve only been here for like 4 days and I don’t want to get all bossy YET.

    (p.s how do you do smileys?)

  10. Smileys are like so : )= 🙂 but without the space in the middle
    I am not a smiley master though so all I know is:
    : D= 😀
    ; )= 😉
    : P= 😛
    : (= 🙁

  11. huh. Why doesn’t it work for me!?

    One, don’t double-post, two, don’t spam. Keep the comments relevent to the story. 😉 Three, smilies don’t show up on the first lines 😉


    Finally, my status as marshmellow fairy has been acknowledged 😀

    oh, that’s kinda weird how that ain’t working out, maybe it’s your computer.

    Anywho, I shall be rating this 5/5…*clicks the 5/5 star option* *nothing appears to be happening* *slaps head in realisation that the 5/5 has already been given*…d’oh.

    Another point is that I am a ‘SHE’ oh well, your funniness makes up for this mistake.

    I’m really tempted to give you another marshmellow but *stares at tiny drawer almost buckling with the strain of containing the various items* I’m worried for your drawer. I’ll just leave it on top 🙂

  13. Haha, fixed. I make gender mistakes all the time. Sorry (it kept happening back in the fanfiction website which I used to type in when I was 9. It was an Avatar fanfiction website. You know, Avatar: The Legend of Aang).

    is there such thing as a fairyess? You know, lord, lordess, waitor, waitress…

    (After this I am going to design a revolutionary desk drawer)

  14. Yay now I’m a girl 😀

    obviously let down by the film 🙁

    I don’t think there’s a fairyess because I assumed fairies were girls…and also I thought ladies were the female lords. eh.

    YAY a new desk with which my marshmellows shan’t go to waste. 😀

  15. Haha, I have a crossover for that!(if interested, see Extreme Collision of Six Worlds. Warning: was my second story and is definitely worse then some of my others)

    New recipe! Kinda weird. “say no, then get the **** out of there before Butler comes”


  16. Tip-when you’ve updated, post an announcement. You’ve done 2 (very awesome) chapters and I didn’t even know.
    And you know what I’ll say next, don’t you? 😈

  17. Beckett Simpleton October 30th, 2010 at 4:27 pm 17

    except that Hol’s a veggie, this is awesome! And you’re right, stories just die here!

    I=Stupid 🙂

  19. BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL. Decide you’re feeling more hungry then evil.

    YEAH THE MOVIE SUCKED!!! HORRIBLE HORRIBLE! Want me to perform my “Avatar: the last Airbender Movie” rant? Then I could treat you to my Harry Potter movie rant! And my Percy Jackson movie rant! (I didn’t watch the PJ movie, but I could tell it was bad from the commercial and poopy rating.)

    This thing is probably the funniest fanfic here.

    “Decide your recipe officially sucks. Hack into Grandma’s recipes”

  20. You’re a genius!!! This is so original and so funny. This is true entertainment my friend… Please update!

  21. I proclaim this ABANDONED. As well as your other two stories. They’re all amazing, and all untouched since I last saw them. SC, did you drop off the face of the planet? In the times of a horrible economy, us children need a little laughter to keep us going… that is, if we cared about the economy. Let’s face it, at our age, who does?


  22. Maybe she died. People tend to do that.
    And my bro says Avatar wasn’t too bad-I didn’t see it. He just said it was annoying that it didn’t follow the series much.
    WE:What’s wrong with HP? Have you seen the 7th? The 4th was rubbish, but the rest are OK. 🙂

  23. teeheehee. DIE, MINERVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24. diabolism = diabolicism. Sorry just had to point that out. I love the Ceasar Salad and the truffles, but my all time favorite is….*drum roll please* The messed up romantic dinner. Fave quote-(Butler) Bang head on wall while muttering, “I’m going to get fired.” I almost fell out of my seat.

  25. Silent Comedy maybe got murdered/wiped by the LEP who came up to her door after reading this.

  26. paranoidcentaurfoaly January 29th, 2012 at 12:13 pm 26

    wiped and then murdured or murdured and then wiped?

Leave a Reply

Help: How do I get an avatar?