You are here: Home » FanFiction » The Perfectionist

The Perfectionist

Summary: There's a strange winged girl sleeeping under Arty's bed, and she looks surprisingly like... him.

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

5 votes, average: 4.20 out of 55 votes, average: 4.20 out of 55 votes, average: 4.20 out of 55 votes, average: 4.20 out of 55 votes, average: 4.20 out of 5 (5 votes, average: 4.20 out of 5)
You need to be a registered member to rate this post.

Reading Mode

Artemis recalled the strange events of last night’s dream. It had something to do with his window, and a girl under his bed. Sometimes you act insane in dreams, Artemis concluded. He would never do that in real life.

He was paranoid, Artemis decided, but he looked under the bed anyways

Artemis fell out of bed.


Thud. Suddenly Artemis was on the floor; eye level with me.

He looked at me- well, stared, actually- and opened and closed his mouth like a beached goldfish. Any other time I’d be laughing my, um, rear off, but I was too concerened with Artemis calling Butler.

“Why are you under my bed?” he hissed.

“So that you aren’t blasted into obliviation by extra terrestrials. Because you let me sleep here!” I hissed.

Arteimis opened his mouth, and I knew what was coming.”Bu-” I slapped my hand over his mouth.

“Don’t you dare call your bodyguard,” I said. How could I convince Artemis to let me stay, just long enough to connvince him?

“Look,” I started slowly, “I’ll pay you. However much you want, in any currency you want, even solid gold, for every night I stay here.”

I tookΒ my hand off his mouth, and the first thing he said was: “How would a street rat such as yourself aquire such money?”

“How did you end up a billionare?” I replied firmly.

Artemis nodded, slowly. “How can I trust you?”

“If I told you now… Well, look at it this way. If I was a threat, you would be dead by now.” Like when I first stepped through the window, I tried to mentally influence that choice. Minor telepathy. I have got to stop using that.

“A thousand American dollars per night.” We shook on it.

I think I’m getting good at this.

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

Comments on This Post

25 responses to “The Perfectionist.” Join in!

  1. Confused. Interesting. Short. Poetic. Choppy. Interesting (again). Needs more. Not stereotypical (good thing). Detail.

    Ploping= plopping
    suggary= sugary
    definately= definitely

    OOC- why would Artemis let an unknown person sleep under his bed? Or does he know this person… and I’m clueless and can’t guess?

    Add spoiler alert for Complex.

    UPDATE. Why do I have so many sentence fragments herE?

  2. Beckett Simpleton February 3rd, 2011 at 11:26 pm 2

    very pretty but i wont lie to you and say i understoo it, πŸ˜›

  3. I love it. πŸ™‚ I am being kept in suspense, which is good for you, bad for me.
    Is the Complex thing important? Is that kinda what the whole story’s about? (Rhetorical question!!!)

  4. A few spelling mistakes, but coherent and well-written.

    Yes, kind of confusing, but that’s not a negative thing at this point. It’s just suspenseful, like Hermione said, and verrry intriguing.

    You should update. As in, if you do not you may find my pet gecko Eenie doing the cancan next to your shopping cart one day. And that is NOT A COMFORTING SIGHT. πŸ˜€ Just kidding, I wouldn’t do that. I don’t even know where you shop. πŸ˜‰ But update pleez!

    ~E.N.HA, mostly harmless.

  5. Oooh intriguing and mysterious. Who is this little urchin girl? Your very good at keeping this mystery concealed. By the way, will we ever know who she is? Also, by skipping from first to third person creates differing moods and atmospheres that are very effective πŸ˜€

    Right there were some mistakes and I will point out most so you can change them when you revise it or…whatever:

    1st chapter-‘Why am I, of all people, have to watch him like this?’ the grammar here is a bit iffy; I’m not entirely sure maybe you wanted to say ‘Why do I, of all people, have to watch him like this?’

    2nd chapter-AS is capitilized at the beginning of a paragraph but I’m not sure if this is intentional.
    You wrote ‘ploping’ instead of plopping, ‘parinoia’ instead of paranoia, ‘steped’ instead of stepped and ‘askes’ instead of asks.

    Also, Artemis’s should be Artemis’ because Artemis already ends in an s therefore the second s is not needed. Then it would be like many Artemis’ owning something…I think. Just grammar.

    Chapter 3-At the end you wrote ‘mental influences’ perhaps you meant ‘mentally influences’.

    Now onto the good stuff. The poetic sort of lines near the beginning of chapter 1 was really good and effective. Also it was clever because of the subtle change from ‘fear for him’ to ‘fear of him’.

    Also, I really like your similies/metaphors e.g. ‘the wind howled like a starved wolf outside.’ They are the things I really get impressed with; similies that are unique, clever, poetic, descriptive and sometimes beautiful/funny.

    Grape for an oopdeiyt πŸ˜‰

  6. what the hell?! wat is this story?!

  7. seriously. who’s the girl?

  8. A thousand American dollars per night? XD Artemis is so cruel!

    Uh, artygirl, I can’t help noticing that your comments are a bit *urgle* spammy. Authors are very much happy-fied by substantial comments, like concrit. πŸ˜€

    Great update, Falcon! You had good timing with revealing something about the intruder but not too much so as to destroy the suspense. Consistent grammer/spelling/yada yada. I laughed when Artemis fell out of the bed. πŸ˜† And for some reason I find the girl funny.

    This is mostly IC (having Artemis think it was a dream was a good touch) but I’m still not sure if Artemis would let someone random sleep under his bed for money. If Butler knew he’d probably pop an artery. πŸ˜€

    Pleez update!

    ~December Holly, trying to tame her other self

  9. ” And I fell flat on my face” I burst out laughing when I read this!

  10. I know spoilers!!! La la la! Great so far, my semi-scrawny, usually annoyed, some what perverted, feathered friend!!!!

  11. YOU MUST UPDATE AGAIN. There isn’t enough info for me to say anything! It’s good, it’s IC. Fffeeehhhhhh

    That was a short comment. DX

  12. Hmmmmm. Not sure how I feel about this. It’s good, but keep up the “suspense” too long & I’ll stop reading. Sorry if that sounded like a threat.

  13. oopdate

  14. Honestly, Short’s insanity is more insane.

  15. Oh really? What if i made you stir Acid and poop and pee in a cup and pour tham into your cousin’s chocolate milk?

    And then i ate dead racoons? And Shrek launched missiles at the moon with his belly button!

    And Whales are Orange, and monkeys are blue, and eagles are hobos with armpit hair! Lick your toes, lick your toes, eat you hoes.

    Money equals power, power equals came, camel equals 5 celery sticks!!!

    Santa! *xylophone* Oh, a fairy! *xylophone* Everything– ehem. See how weird things can get when they go off topic? πŸ˜‰ Please don’t go into conversation mode.

  16. Hermione Fowl April 27th, 2011 at 5:44 am 16

    Yay, an update!! So:
    deja vu-Should be in italics.
    a day of two-A day or two.
    Ò€œUnder my bed?Ò€ He askes-“Under my bed?” he asks.
    Other then that, it was really good. Who’s the girl?? (don’t answer that!!) Is it Maximum Ride, or just some random dude?? I feel really bad for the short comment, because of Artyrox’s huge one.

  17. Update!………. More ……… Or face my army of flying monkeys!

  18. That was really good

  19. @Orion Fowl
    That’s ALL that you could come up with?! *laughs for 30 seconds straight* You’re not that original with your plots of random-osity and evil. I would list some things, but both Fal-chan and AA would probaly kill me for it…..

  20. FowlsGirl123 June 29th, 2011 at 1:46 am 20

    That’s so pretty!I love how poemy(is that a word?) it is. Ooh, and is the girl Max or someone from Maximum Ride? Cuz that makes sense. I definitely think you should continue this. I love it and want to read more. UPDATE!

  21. update.

  22. No, not a Max crossover XD

  23. the huntress (or tress) January 26th, 2012 at 4:56 am 23

    I rreeaallyy like your writing style. You sound conversational, like your explaining it to us right in front if us. ( I srive very ahrd for this, but alas, has failed so far…) You keep the supense up and slip in pieces of info at perfect amounts.Keep up the good work!!
    update or…. ehh… someone already took my flying monkeys,so…

  24. paranoidcentaurfoaly January 26th, 2012 at 6:51 am 24

    I would favourite this story, except I don’t know how to do that.

  25. At the top you push, add to favourites. Great job Falcon!

Leave a Reply

Help: How do I get an avatar?