WARNING!!! There is some, not a lot though, cursing in this story, if you do not want to see cursing, I understand, just please don’t complain about it, i warned you, and if you still complain, i will just politely tell you to shut the freak up and stop hating on everything you see
I walked down the hallway. What scared mother so much? How could anything scare her? I thought and continued to walk around the manor. Stop wondering Micheal, you’re a Fowl, you don’t wonder, you find out, I thought and walked towards mother’s room. I knocked on the door to find it open, and a pixie in front of my mother, clearly what had scared her yesterday.
The pixie turned its head towards me, her smile was… evil. She scared me too. What surprised me was when she got out a neutrino, cocked it towards my father, only to then pull the trigger.
“That was fun,” the pixie muttered looking at my eyes, I could see her cold, icy, dead eyes from within her parted bangs.
“Dad? DAD!” I screamed and ran toward the pixie. I was reminded that I was a five year old when I felt the strength of her cold hands touch my chest, she pushed me onto the ground with ease.
The pixie knelt down her hair hanging over my face and smirked. I now had a full view of her face. “When you see me again, you will know true pain and remorse,” she claimed before she got off of one knee to wander away, leaving me in tears and my mother petrified.
I got up and looked over at my father’s body, she killed dad.
Hmmm… it was a tad fast-paced for my taste, but if you keep it regularly updated, it should be fine. Also, your use of “i” in place of “I” was a little aggravating, however, remember young grasshopper, I am a grammar freak that will not text her friends back if so much as a comma is missing from their sentence, so don’t let that get you down! *thumbs up*
Not bad on other grammar and no other glaringly obvious spelling errors, but then again I read it quickly and wasn’t looking for them in particular.
I really like the idea you have and I hope you keep it updated!
I have a beta at the moment, Amy offered to beta it. so your pet peeve will be gone soon!
Cool. I’m thinking about just posting an announcement to beta things, because both Amy and I have sent in beta forms and neither of us have heard back, though I only sent mine a few days ago, she probably sent hers way longer. I’m a-thinking posting an announcement would be much simpler.
Yes, i believe an announcement might be better than the forum. but now i’m getting off topic. anyways, thanks for the constructive criticism!
Neat. Hope you update soon.
Well, the grammar is still wrong and none of it is properly spaced. Several things that needed to be capitalized weren’t, you switched tenses once and you wrote Japan twice.
On a lighter note, you didn’t misspell anything that I noticed, but I wasn’t looking for it in particular. You’re keeping it interesting and regularly updating it, although the incorrect spacing makes it a little difficult to read.
Not too bad, but not to great either. I’m sorry if I seem mean, but I’m trying to be honest so you fix and what to do in the future.
I hope your beta’s help is working for you!