Artemis Fowl and the Council of Liars

Summary: Last edit was April 12, 2013. You know what else happened in 2013? AFI released Burials. You know what’s happening […]

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

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Last edit was April 12, 2013. You know what else happened in 2013? AFI released Burials. You know what’s happening now? AFI is releasing the blood album. It’s 2016, year of the Falcon and year of the Artemis Fowl fandom reunion!! Time for a gosh-darn update. Who was in this again? Where were we? Ah, let’s see…
You know this thing is deader than dead could be so I’m gonna do whatever the heckle I want to it, alright kids? LET’S GET THIS THING STARTED RAAAAAAHH
This doesnt’ deserve a new chapter but it’s a new update so it gets one
Also it’s almost 2 am on a weeknight.

Artemis stared forlornly out the single window in the cabin’s kitchen/dining/living room. How did this happen?

He’d done a reality check or two, and they all checked out. If he was dreaming, he was doing so very intensely. But then, he was a Fowl! Whatever had just happened, he would find a way out of it, with profit. Step one, a list of assets.

There wasn’t much. He had his suit, and the meager contents of his pockets. He was drowsy and couldn’t think right, more than just over-tiredness, more like being drugged after a surgery. He had some chocolate covered espresso beans, a laser pointer (blue), and a reciept for a… something called “kiss me keychain” for three dollars. He reached into his other pocket, the one he used less. Sure enough, there was a small, plain keychain that said “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.” He didn’t remember buying that, or allowing anyone to sneak it in his pocket. What else did he forget?

There was a kind of squeak to his left, and it sounded a bit like “WHOA!” He turned– there was a girl there, hand over her mouth, eyes red from exhaustion.

“Can I help you?” he asked, much cooler than he felt. Maybe that was because of the drugs. Were there drugs? Ugh.

“C-Can I help you?” the girl shot back, gradually regaining her composure. Why was she so scared? Artemis wondered. It’s her fault I’m here. He recognized her vaguely from the airport.

“Yes,” Artemis replied. Come on genius brain, kick in, hurry now. “Why am I here? I’d like to know my rights.”

“You don’t have any, basically,” called a voice down the hall. A door opened, and Star (though Artemis didn’t know her, and vice versa) stepped out. “This is kind of far-fetched, dude, but you don’t, like, belong in this universe. We’re here to like, send you home and all.” Yawn.

“How did you know that?” asked CrazyChick.

“I read up while you guys were away. He’s not the only anamoly by the way! There had to have been something to bring him into existence from another timeline but whoever built it was clever enough to hide it from our sensors.” CC didn’t inquire further, because that sounded a lot like a cheap plot device.

Speaking of cheap plot devices, there was suddenly the sound of animals squabbling in the hall. Maybe I forgot to mention this, but Short and Falcon were both, uh, what’s the word. Like werewolves. But since neither of them like the idea of only using their fursonas on a full moon they can just change whenever, and since I need a great way to introduce them they’re animals right now fighting in the hall because in this fic they’re both too young to know they’re both actually gay and are having the most intense bromance ever. A/N No hom0

Artemis did another reality check. Was that a… Wolf? With wings? Fighting a… oh goodness, an Aplomado falcon? What horrid alternate reality had he been beamed into?

As the animals got closer, there was a squeak from the kitchen. What kind of–
–was that a person in the cupboard?

“Wugh you guYS–” said Ckat.

The falcon instantly transformed back into a human, guess which one. “Cripes, Ckat, it’s your first night here and you’re already asleep in the places you shouldn’t be.”

“Y’awl didn’t give me a bed.” Ckat, the crew noted, was especially groggy, perhaps because she’d been sleeping among the… was there anything stored in there? Probably not, best not to think about it. Slowly, Ckat stood up. She looked pretty out of balance. Star, the only decent (and awake) human being in the room for the moment, walked over to help her stand.

Leaning on Star for support, Ckat pointed groggily (very groggily) at the newcomer. “Ha, ha. That guy looks like Artemis Fowl.”

Short transformed into her humanoid self just so she could say “Whoa, he really does.”

Artemis Fowl performed his third reality check.

“Wait,” Star said, supporting Ckat almost entirely now, “that makes sense, if you heard what I said earlier.”

“Wait, so you’re the real Artemis Fowl?” CrazyChick said, a little excited. Artemis paled (because somehow his skin could indeed get paler). He was never a good liar. His ears were ringing, when did that start? “Artemis Fowl the second, boy genius. Should have known, ha!” CC finished.

“What book is he from?” somebody asked.

“Look at his eyes.” Even Ckat was interested enough to stand up and the whole group began subconsciously walking toward him.

Now Artemis understood. This had to be the afterlife, a terrible purgatory, for there was no worse hell than– than fangirls. And the author of this fanfic wasn’t even going to ship him with any of them that’s how much he hated fangirls.

They kept asking questions, to him and each other, walking slowly forward as another plot device to get him closer to the window. His head really hurt now.

“Can we see your eyes?”


“I think that one’s green-ish.”

“Dude, I can’t tell, green and blue are both really intense colors.”

“Look at his hands then, right?”

Artemis instinctively hid his hands and took a step closer to the window.

“Just let me see them for a second–” said Short, reaching for his hand. She was usually quite likeable, but Artemis was desperate and literally cornered, and since fate had placed him in such a strange situation, he did something out of character: he grabbed Short’s shoulders, spun her around, and threw her out the window behind him.

“Bruh,” said Falcon.

Ckat leaned forward out the hole in the window. “Holy explicative!” She started to stumble to the front door.

“It’s okay,” said CrazyChick. “You don’t know Short like we do; her Mary-Sue powers will save her.”

“Who is Mary Sue?” Artemis asked ooc-ly.

Your mom, thought everyone at once.

“Look, she’s coming back up,” said Star, who hadn’t had a line in a while.

Sure enough, a massive pair of runed black wings emerged in the window frame, attached to a largely unspectacular wolf fursona.

“Woof woof woof woof,” said the wolf fursona.

“You forget the author has restricted your abilities as a wolf,” said CrazyChick.

“Woof,” the wolf replied thankfully, changing back into Short. “What I MEANT to say is that we’re a government funded agency so it’s going to take us literally years to repair that window.”

“Bureaucracy, man,” Falcon said solemnly, intentionally giving herself the best line.

Artemis subconsciously ground his teeth. A/N I forgot what he does when he’s nervous so here’s a stand-in. These people knew more than he expected. The rules here were different. No matter, he could adapt… but it would take longer. He wondered if his cell phone would work.

“By the way,” Short added, “his eyes are both blue. His skin is soft, but he’s too tall to be just a kid– I reckon he’s an artifact of The Last Guardian.”

Star whistled slowly. “That book wasn’t even out when this fanfic was started.

Fal looked directly into the camera and winked. “A/N No spoilers. Promise.

Next scene is gonna be a villain scene… they’re with Foaly right?

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

Comments on This Post

43 responses to “Artemis Fowl and the Council of Liars.” Join in!

  1. Looks like this will be cool but whats going on with the orginazation? What are thay soposed to be defending aganst?
    Sorry for misspelings.

    *does first coment dance* 🙂

  2. All in good time, my friend. All in good time.;)

  3. Update please. 🙂
    I love the way you don’t reveal the plot right at first. I am hooked.

  4. Cool can I come in? Read your message. Black hair(halfway down back), dark brown eyes, tan, tall, skinny, sarcastic, crazy, bad memory, enjoys cats and cookies. Name- Ckat

  5. This is impressive, Falcon. 😀 Very impressive. 😉 Well written with beautiful grammar. 😀 Thanks for putting me in. 🙂 I really appreciate it. :]


  6. YYYAAAYYY!!!!! I GETS TO THROW WHIPPED-CREAM!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! AND NO, I haven’t had a potato.

  7. This is the next “Valley of Fools” story. Everyone rate this a five and get it to the top rated! Wonderful story, flawless grammar and exceptional spelling. I loved the update, but I need another one. I also love the machine idea, very original and creative. Update now or you may not live to see the next hour Fal. This story is addicting. Wow!

  8. You left me HANGING! 😐 Not cool buddeh. Finish the update now. Or else. And let me quote Hermione on this one:


    And mine. Now hurry! Shizzz, this story is addicting.

  9. Fal, you know my powers and I know where you live… SO UPDATE! And I don’t talk like that!

  10. GEEZ, I did! I will again, as soon as i can… It’s what I do in my spare time.

  11. Wow. UUPPPPPPPPPDDDAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE! Put me in it or I will send all my minions after you!(Not really. I don’t have any minions, unless you count my cat.) Love the story by the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. My mions are hot pink bunnys. Just kidding, I don’t have any. But i like to use ’em as empty threats.

  13. Love it! Update or I will do… something I don’t know what.
    But still, update!

  14. You better stop being lazy when you come back. I am so not happy with you! How much do I have to beg to get you to update five or six chapters! Huh!!!??? Huh???!!! How many Fal…:(

  15. Fine, I shall. But I’m on a break. When I come back…

  16. FoalyIsAGenues September 6th, 2010 at 3:00 am 16

    put me in
    i am a centaur
    gender :boy
    always on computer
    vary sarcastic
    black hair glasses

  17. Why do you keep saying you’re a bad writer, modesty or so people will excitedly read your stories to see just how “bad” they are. Really, Falcon, I’ve seen tons of suckish-er stories. Stop saying you’re horrible, because you’re NOT. Update before I EXPLODE. If I can be in it, please add me. I have straight black hair halfway down my back, dark brown eyes(you can’t see it unless you’re about 6 inches from my face and stare really hard, otherwise they look black), tan skin, bad memory, dark blue glasses, enjoys cats and cookies, and I hate cheese. And most other dairy products. EXCEPT ICE CREAM. I am also random and 12 years old. Female. Will eat off floor depending on cleanliness of floor and tastiness of food. Will sit/climb just about anything. Stares off into space and has a lot of potentially useless facts.

  18. Yer in. I know, your right, people probably DO read my stories just to see how bad they are. But really, I’m just being modest- i still think they stink, though. I wrote a quiz to identify people with AlantisC, and I failed it XD

    Anyways, no more people for this one. It’s closed.

  19. HAHA! I’M IN IT!!! GRACIAS!!! XIEXIE!!! THANK YOU!! Er… that’s all the ways I know to say thanks… not really a lot. Anyway, it’s a short update, but I understand you just got on, so whatever. Good you can update at all, you know, cuz of school and everything.

  20. update or die( not really you wont die because of me)

  21. I has updated.

  22. Short, but it’s something. A quote? How bout-

    Underrating is overrated.

    Kay, not very good, I just made it up. I don’t really have any good quotes that I say myself…

  23. Oh, I LIKE that. Anyone else? I want a quote by as many of the people I’m using as I can.

  24. XD Why is that when I read the first few paragraphs, I immediately saw a comedy story? Other than that, after the turns it’s taking, maybe it won’t entirely be funny anymore, which kind of dragged me down a bit. T_T
    BESIDES THAT, with this being one of the first stories I’ve read on this site, I have to say it exceeded my expectations in a really good way. Though, to give you any criticisms at the moment… might want to have a look at chapter 2. A few things repeated itself one too many times….

  25. GAH! I have fixed chapter 2 like, ten times! Ah well.

  26. Wow. 🙂 Awesome.

    First of all, dittoing FowlStar, I love it how you didn’t reveal the plot right away and kept me wondering what was going to happen. Also, thanks for putting me in this! I loved the whip cream battle. *broad grin* Epic.


    P.S. Something’s wrong with Chapter 2… 🙁 It keeps repeating itself.

  27. There, I fixed chapter 2. Is it still… Ah. Yes. It is. I give up.

  28. You’ve updated!!!! But it’s short. But you updated! Miehhehehhh!!

  29. UpDaTe!!!!!!!!!!!!

  30. Oooh, one more person rate it 5* and it will be in the TTs!!!! Please? Somebody? Can’t rate it myself…

  31. UPDATE PWEESE!!!!!!!

  32. WOOT YOU UPDATED… and it’s short. Ah well, nice job. I dunno if I mentioned this before, but it’s ninety, despite the pronounciation.

    Yurp… I just really want an update. Sorry for my tineh comment.

  33. Great fic! 5 stars!

  34. Alright… it’s been updated.


  36. oooh cabn I be in it?I want to be called alpha. and I have a quote for ya:
    Im carzy reulary but give me lightning powers and IM cole mcgrath on weed.

  37. …Sorry, i’ts too late to join, although I might use your quotes… 🙁

  38. Falcon? This is fantastic. Update, or the Hounds will get ya. (See Taurus) Sorry, I just felt the need to post an ‘update or fear my wrath’ type message.

    I didn’t see and mistakes, and you’ve got a great fic going. Good job!

  39. I just came back from the dead, and what greets me? Your epic story. Woman, you need to update this if you value our band locker without whipped cream smeared on the walls! Kidding- mostly |D Ahem. So, update? It’s great(as always), except for a few typos. Keep up the work if you enjoy life!~

    Woman, you need

  40. chocolatetruffles1 March 24th, 2012 at 3:56 am 40

    Very funny, and please update soon.

  41. Re-reading these comments…. Gah how I miss everybody *flails everywhere* But like seriously, this used to be a classic… *cries* Fowwie called it the next Valley of Fools story aufuyfjhjvhhvj

  42. A couple times a year I reminisce on this and man, it only now occurred to me how nobody questions that like half of these characters have magic powers. I don’t think I had a plan for that at all.
    RIP FG, RIP my most ambitious writing project, miss ya still lololol

  43. Hey good book teach me how to write my writing teacher hates me

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