DEAR READER! THIS INVOLVES HOLLY SHORT, ARTEMIS, AND HER… LAUNDRY… DON’T ASK HOW, BUT IT’S FUNNY. AND DIRTY. Also, I’m an old writer from, like, a year ago, and I’m know for my off color sense of humor. So you may (or may not) like this: The rule is, whatever you do, do NOT go through a girls laundry without permission.
Holly, like all women, go through strange food cravings. Officer Vinyaya was known for her obsession of Fried Pickles, and Opal was known for her obsession with truffles. AND IT ALL CAME DOWN TO THIS: Holy wanted curly fries. She wanted them. She needed them. And at some point, she did not care that it was one in the morning. She wanted her curly fries goddammit!
But as she stumbled into her cramped kitchen, managed to open her freezer and pour the bag of crinkle cut fries on a microwave safe plate, placed them in the microwave gingerly, and prepared her digets to punch in the two minute cooking time. Two minutes until sweet, crispy, crinkle cut heaven. But as she pounded her fist against the microwave in the pursuit of fries, she found that it was not working.
“Did the power go out?” She mumbled, peeking out the window.
“Yep” she responded to herself as she watched the stupid trolls attacking the electric wires, thinking it was a threat to their young. Stupid , Stupid, trolls.
Holly realised there was only one place she could go until her apartments power was turned back on: and it had Fowl written all over it. She called him:
“Holly” He yawned “It’s one in the morning! why are you calling me?”
“I want curly fries” she pouted “Erm, I mean, my power went out, and I’ll probably need to stay at Fowl Manor until they fix my power”
“Sounds fine by me” He yawned “Now, what are the cons of this?”
“Well, all my food is probably gonna rot anyways, so all I really have to worry about is my laundry”
“Can’t a elf have laundry?” She remarked, almost offended “Y’know, I don’t wear one singular suit to LEP every day you know”
“I know, it’s just…” He began “It dosn’t seem very Holly like of you”
She almost felt like screaming. She wanted to somehow travel through the phone and strangle Artemis.
“I have dirty laundry, okay! I’ll see you tommorow!” And then she slammed the phone down.
“Stupid mud man…”
Next day, Fowl Manor, the guest bedroom-
“I’ll only be here for a day… I don’t want to make a fuss”
“Don’t worry, you won’t…” he began, putting down her bags in the corner of the room “I figured it would be good for you to relax all day anyways, so this would be a good treat”
“Thanks Artemis!” She beamed, hugging him “Your the best”
“I know” he wanted to say, but he refrained himself. Today was Hollys day- he didn’t want to bug her.
“Any time… I’ll go take your laundry downstairs to do your laundry okay hol-”
“WAIT!” She screamed, gripping his shoulders “Are you doing the laundry?”
“No?” he asked suspiciously, grabbing the laundry bag and hunching it over his back.
As Artemis trudged down the stairs dragging Hollys laundry behind him, he wondered what was REALLY in Hollys dirty laundry anyways. Dead bodies? No, that was Foalys job. And them, he realised what was in there, and he smirked, because he firgured it was okay to annoy Holly, so long as it didn’t make her hate him FOREVER. He walked to the laundry room, unloading the laundry- but then, his theory was disproven. Just a bunch of female LEP suits. He laughed at the ludricis thought that he would ever find one in here…
But as the last LEP suit entered the wash, something fell out of it, and landed oh-so perfectly right on his feet. He looked in shock, horror, and amusement, and he picked up a pair of lacy, bright pink camo design thong. It was disgusting. It was somewhat hilarious. But most of all, to Artemis, it was kinda hot. You may view Artemis in a different light, thinking that he actually was amused by her lacy undergarnment. But then again, he was a pubescent teenage boy, and even the brightest, most respectful ones took any chance they got to be able to carry a girls lace stitched pink undies with them for bragging rights.
“I guess… she won’t… notice” He mumbled. Besides, he figured it would be funny if he handed them to her right before she left and asked something like: Is this yours?. He smirked, stuffing the pink frilly underwear in his pocket. He was in a momment of pure bliss.
And as he walked back up to Hollys room, he almost found it too funny, yet he managed to keep his cool. He knocked on her door:
“Just wanted to make sure your all set in here”
“I am” she assured with a yawn, lounged back into the king sized bed as she watched TV.
She pressed down the mute button: “Why are you smiling fowl?”
“Oh…” he mumbled “Nothing, nothing”
She gave him a strange look, but then forgot about it and went back to watching television. Artemis closed the door and ran over to his room, where he danced in almost a sort of victory, placing his claimed prize next to his fathers copy of Dante’s Peak.
“Victory is mine” he declared in pride.
Later that evening, Artemis and his family all sat down to a nice dinner which butler had prepared. “So..” Artemis Fowl Senior began, leaning into Artemis’ ear “Spent quite a long time in your room, were you…”
“NO!” he screamed loudly, interupting his familys dinner.
Angeline looked back as her husband, and he nodded his head.
“Boys, go play with your toys up in your rooms”
“Okay!” They screamed joyfully, racing up to the room.
Angeline took a deep breath: “Arty, I know it’s awkward to talk about this with me, but it’s perfectly natural to..”
“I wasn’t!” he screamed again, more nervous.
“Arty, it’s okay to touch yourself”
“I do NOT do no such things”
“I’m sorry” Angeline began, picking up her plate “We should’ve never brought… that… up”
The silence between the three was awkward, until his father asked: “Oh, Artemis, I think I lended you some of my books earlier. Do you know where they are?”
“I think I left your copy of Dantes Peak in my room, if you want to go get it” he said rather cooly, now calm that his earlier discussion with his parents was over.
Artemis snuck up to Hollys room with some leftover food for her to eat.
“Good evening Holly…”
“Good evening Artemis”
She turned off the TV, walking over to him: “Artemis?”
“I think I might wash this shirt before I go back toommorow… could I maybe wear yours until all my clothes are clean”
He pointed at her, his eyes widened
“You are okay with taking you shirt off in front of me…”
“…don’t worry, I’m wearing something under it”
Oh thankgod Artemis thought
“Why would I take it off if I wasn’t wearing a bra”
Knowing Artemis, he could of passed out right then and there, but he didn’t. He was Artemis Fowl. Even matters such as seeing a woman semi-naked should be taken in a professional matter.
Holly zipped off her shirt, throwing it on the ground
“Well, mud boy? what’s wrong”
“You have no shirt on!” he said almost horrified
“Oh c’mon, nothing you haven’t seen before. Now gimme your shirt. I’m freezing”
“Yes, freezing” he hushed, quickly un buttoning his shirt. He knew what happened when it got freezing.
But right as he un-buttoned the last button, the door slammed open to find Artemis Senior in the doorway, in horror.
“ARTEMIS!” Screamed Artemis Fowl Senior
“DAD!” Speculated Artemis
“AHHHHHHHHH!” was all Holly could manage to scream as the shirtless Artemis hunched over her and she covered herself with his shirt.
“I’m sorry, just…”
“CLOSE THAT DOOR”
Holly quickly buttoned back up Artemis’ shirt over her, giggling to herself about what just happened. Artemis, on the other hand, was blushing redder than a beet.
“Well, Artemis, swoooning the ladies?” She joked, lounging back in the bed.
“You did that purposly, didn’t you?” he sneered, walking towards the door
“No maybe I just wanted to take my shirt off”
“Go to hell” he mumbled
and as he slammed the door and slid down to the floor, all he could do was laugh and whisper to himself: ‘I’m screwed. figuratively and literally”
After changing into another shirt, ARtemis prayed nothing would happen. That nothing suggestive or in the least bit dirty would go on again. Knowing father, maybe he’d just forget about it. Surely father was like that- he wasn’t like those embarrassing ones you saw on day-time television shows about struggling highschool teens. He walked into the den, sat back in his father sover-stuffed leather chair, and started reading, when all of the sudden, he heard foot steps down the hallaway.
It was father.
He could not escape. Father was smart enough to be able to corner off Artemis.
“What is this Arty?” He asked, holding up a pair of kinky, lacy, pink camo print thong.
“A undergarment?’ He asked nervously
“A… A… It’s a….”
“It’s a thong Artemis… And I know for a fact this is not yoour mothers… she wears way more racy things…”
“Dad! that was repulsive and un-nessescary!”
He sat down across from his son: “Anyways…” Artemis Senior leaned back “… Artemis, I want to let you know, that even though it seems weird, It’s perfectly natural for you to have these feellings towards… women. And I know this obviously belongs to that girl in the guest bedroom”
“Dad1 it’s not what you think”
“That’s what they say Artemis, trust me, I was there”
Artemis gave in “Fine” he sighed “Your right, I shuld be more careful”
“Your growing up now Arty. I sure you know how to, erm, protect yourself”
“Um, yes father”
He stood up, and as he exited the den, he said to Artemis “She’s really lucky to have a hansome son like you Artemis…” and with that, he tossed Artemis the pair of lacy underwear.
And then, in a very out-of-character manner, as he walked away, he assured him.
“You really scored hard on the girls this time boy”
The next morning, all the awkward sexual tension was over, and Artemis remebered the few words of advice his father gave him. He carried Holly’s laundry up to her room, her… underwear, we shall say, still stuck in his pocket as a token of the first girl he ever saw semi naked. He knocked on the door.
“Come in” Holly said, sprawled against the bed wearing only ARtemis shirt. And when I say only, I mean only.
“What?” she asked, strutting over to him “It’s a comfy shirt”
He laughed nervously, pulling at the collar of his shirt.
“Erm, here you go” he mumbled, handing her the infamous pink underwear.
“Oh, I’ve been looking EVERYWHERE for this she over exaderated” Putting it on over ARtemis shirt
His jaw drop. Was this really Holly short? Basically naked in his room, flirting with him. Fifty percent of him was scared. The other fifty was majorly attracted.
“Y’know” She whispered “I don’t actually NEED to do my laundry. I have LEP do it for me’
His eyes widened, and his whole body fell numb and he stood still.
“Well, I guess I won’t need THIS anymore”
A braless Holly Short threw the shirt to the ground, bent over, picked up her bra and straooed it on, then leaning over into Artemis’ and kissing him, first his neck, then his lips. He was horrified. This was too good to be true.
“Holly, are we?”
“Hell no you pervert, What’s next, you want to see me naked?”
Holly zipped back on her official LEP uniform, smiling, and picking up her bags.
“See you later mud boy”
And as she disapeared mid-walk, her only managed one word out of his mouth.
Bahahaha, I know, it’s dirty, and probably something that wouldn’t happen in a 10000 years, but I did it because I fiqured it was one of those one shots that porbably will be erased from the archives. Whatevs. I love you guys. Peaceout.