Artemis opened his e mails. He didn’t care what he got,but,you know,just to be occupied.There was one from a person called shaadia. He opened it.
“HI FOWL IT’S ME!,”the message read, “YIPEE I GOT YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS FROM FOALY! I am sending you this message,please forward it to everyone. I got news for you,mr.Colfer has already published your biography. Plus I got your e mail password from my “source” who is everyone’s favourite centaur(except YOU!) ahem,anyways,I took a look at your emails*smirk* ha ha,you never guessed that an innocent eleven year old and an awesome half-man half-donkey/horse could hack into your personal junk,did ya? muhuhahahahaaa! Anyways,to Holly. Hmmm…nice hairstyle,I want mine like that. hey holly,ever thought of joining the WWE and becoming divas champion? I SWEAR I’LL SUPPORT YOU!! To Mulch: you are funny. But dude,gross. Please,if you currently aren’t wearing pants,put one on. To Butler: I KNOW YOUR WEAKNESS IS PISTACCIO ICE CREAM! MUHUHAHAHAHAAA!!!! To Myles and Beckett: Arty’s password is: “IamHorribleAtSports” with inverted commas. do some hacking you guys. To Minerva: I HAAAATE YOU AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE AND YOU SHOULD GET A BETTER HAIRCUT!! To Foaly: you rule. thanks for helping me to annoy the frond outta Arty. No regards,regrets,happiness,love,nothing, Shaadia. ps: what colour is your face now?”
Artemis groaned for perhaps a minute, then typed a reply.
Dear annoying shaadia,
This is really irritating. For one thing, I am not horrible at sports,that is just my password. And another: Mulch never has his trousers on unless I argue with him and force him into them,so a message is no use. You want me to forward this? Butler’s weakness is not pistaccio ice cream just because he is allergic to it. Holly join wrestling? That wouldn’t happen. It’s pointless to ask. And I agree, Minerva does have a hideous haircut, but she will kill you if you mention it so I strongly advice that you don’t.
sincerly, Artemis Fowl II
Artemis was relieved after clicking on the send button, but noticed another message.
I just wanted to let you know that I am stalking you right now, I’m your son from the future hehehhehe. I already hacked into your stuff with my friend shaadia and foaly, I currently am watching you read this and laughing as you freak out,oh and ps: look out your window.
Artemis turned towrds the open window to see a pale,dark haired youth with pointed ears.
‘WHO THE FROND ARE YOU?!’
‘Read my message again, I’m your son from the future.’
‘WHAT THE FROND ARE YOU SAYING?’
‘I – AM- YOUR- SON!!’
Artemis stared at the newcomer. Was he serious?
‘I…ah,I supposed you would have this ‘shaadia’ and Foaly with you now.’
‘Nope,’replied the boy. ‘Shaadia got twenty six hours detention for saying that the councellor was boring and Foaly used superglue instead of handwash and is now “glue to the seat” because he went to touch it. And my name’s finn.’
Artemis looked back at his laptop. Shaadia had replied.
WHY ARE YOU SAYIN’ THAT HOLLY WILL NOT JOIN WRESTLING WELL IN THE FUTURE SHE IS DIVAS CHAMPION!! whatever. uh-oh,forgot i was in detention. *councellor comes in* *shaadia punches councellor* *councellor runs away screaming* HA HA IN YOUR FACE!!
ps: I AM SURE FINN HAS ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT BUTLER IS ALLERGIC TO PISTACCIO ICE CREAM! AND IN THE FUTURE YOU ARE STILL HORRIBLE AT SPORTS! AND YOU ARE MY UNCLE! AND MINERVA STILL HAS THAT STUPID HAIRCUT! AND THAT I AM IN DETENTION SO BYE!!
TO THE ANNOYING SHAADIA,
WHAT THE FROND DO YOU MEAN BY I AM YOUR UNCLE YOU ARE JUST AN ANNOYING CRAZY WEIRDO! AND IF HOLLY IS DIVAS CHAMPION SO FINE I GET IT!! AND YOU ARE IN DETENTION SO WHAT?? BY THE WAY DUDE IS NOT A WORD!
-NO REGARDS, ARTEMIS FOWL II
okay thanks for the idea imfowltothebone, that was great. But my story isn’t complete yet without a few more people so please write your messages for arty in the comments section. uh and yeah,please include details;
gender, why you are annoying, who you are and if you come from the future,do you want to argue with artemis about the divas championship,and if you want to,your country.
Artemis moaned once again as he spotted another message.
I didn’t get Foaly or Shaadia to give me your email, I hacked Foaly,then hacked you. Man, you should really keep your video diaries on a flash drive or something. Like that medallion. Y’know, IamHorribleAtSports is a very unoriginal password, especially when the people hacking you,know you. You might want to try IloveHolly or HollyInMyShort(s). Yeah,let’s go with number two. It suits the whole puberty thing you do NOT have under control. It’s probably more accurate,too,seeing those video diaries.
-Your stalker from the future, SilverGoddess (just silver if you know what’s best for you, Butler doesn’t scare me)
Holly walked in,read the email and FREAKED OUT.
Artemis moaned again. Then again. Then typed a reply.
Firstly, my password is that because more obvious ones are less thought of,unless the person hacking is REALLY stupid. Secondly, what’s on my video diaries is none of your bussiness. And thirdly, I WILL SEND BUTLER OVER TO YOUR HOUSE TO
SCARE YOU TO DEATH.
-Artemis Fowl II
He found another email from shaadia.
DUDE, CHILL OUT, IT’S ANNOYING!!!
OR I SHALL EMAIL YOU SONG LYRICS!!
DUDE I KNOW ONE DIRECTION AND WANTED ARENT ANNOYING BUT I SHALL DO IT WITHOUT PUNCTUATION MARKS!!
– no love, the most awesome and annoying weirdo ever shaadia.
To which Artemis replied;
I HATE YOU!!
and sent it.
He didn’t have to wait long for a reply,and he wasn’t ‘waiting’ either.
Dear Uncle( that’s a nice way to annoy you),
This time in caps.
i wish i could see your face write now *smirk* the song is dragon soul and ill send the rest of the lirics in another mail
Artemis nearly screamed.
JUST GO AWAY!!
ITS WAY LONGER OK I AM JUST TRYING TO HAVE SOME FUN
ps: do not use foul language in your reply i am younger than you.
Artemis decided that he would not reply to any email these weirdos sent. But he found another.
I am d’arvitting sick of you winning all the time. So All of us are going to have an EPIC BATTLE WHERE YOU SHALL PERISH! get help from your fans if you like you shall not stop OPAL’S ARMY!!
reply to email@example.com/evil.
YOU SHALL DIE
-OPAL’S EVIL ARMY
Dear “opal’s evil army”,
One thing, your email address is stupid. Just…. stupid
And i do not care about what you are planning, try if you must, it will not work.
No regards whatsoever,