Slightly Insane and Perfectly Normal: the television show that’s on everybody’s mind, be it by choice or… let’s not talk about that, shall we?
So… back to the topic then.
Let us first all agree on one thing: there are millions and billions of borderline psychos around. If you don’t agree, then I will simply assume you agree, because it is just not possible for me to hear your objections over the sound of the cult members trying to smash my windows in.
Now, those borderline psychos. Obviously they’re not locked up in an asylum, don’t be silly. There’s just no way they could ever survive long enough in each other’s company to be locked up. Besides, if you set them on each other then there wouldn’t be anything to lock up. Therefore, they are still “at large”, as I believe the phrase is.
Those kind of people are the most dangerous beings on anywhere. Not only are they insanely insane, they are also typically normal, complete with all the brain functions a normal being has. You will notice that I use the word “beings”. The reason is simple. It is because they are not all human.
Yes, they are of other species as well. Do not panic. I am pleased to inform you that both scientists and the police are too afraid to attempt to catch another on of those “lunatics”, as I quote from a C.I.A. agent. Your television show will not be cancelled. Your beloved characters will not be taken into custody for crimes, not will they be cut up and studied under a microscope.
Therefore, there are millions and billions of borderline psychos around. Shush. No arguing.
At extreme risk to my family, friends, and my personal well-being, I have contacted several of borderlines psychos and have chosen four of them for a special task. This is a task that no ordinary person can perform, a mission that no mere mortal can hope to accomplish…!
To cut the very long story short, it is the task of de-stabilizing the great Artemis Fowl the Second’s mind, without ever appearing to him, talking to him, or contacting him in any way. Sounds impossible, no? But of course it is. That is why I have asked borderline psychos to do that. They are the best at those sort of things.
Some of the imaginary audience inform me that they have heard rumours about an “Atlantis Complex”. Rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, that this rumour is decidedly false. After all, Artemis Fowl does not simply fall apart like that, at least not without a push. Oh no, he definitely doesn’t.
Don’t you agree, my dear viewers?
Uh… back to the topic then.
Introducing the first female main character… Shannon Edwards! This little half-pixie is the adorable kidnapper of Mulch, the useful generator for all things random, and the magician to look for if you want twenty thugs miraculously knocked out in less than five seconds.
Introducing… Alex! This particular female is best known for her ‘twitching’ abilities, an uncanny grasp of the fine art of mimicry, and last but not least her amazing sense of fashion when it comes to picking clothes meant for the other gender, for herself. She also wields the sword Tensiaga, which has the powers of the earth… not that it’s worth mentioning.
Introducing, the third female lead, Laila Varutril! Truly a refreshing break from the stereotype of rich, snobbish heiresses, this pouty fashionista loves shopping, getting pedicures, and hanging up on people. She carries her beloved partner-in-crime Shadow the cat in her arms, often pausing to stroke its black fur with her eleven-inch, perfectly manicured nails. You would do well not to offend her, for this diminutive female has… hidden talents. Best leave it at that.
And, introducing Sam.
This female is, first, surprisingly feminine despite her rather androgynous name; and second, a vampire. Not an old vampire. Also not a sparkly vampire. This modern diva was bitten by her male acquaintance, who then ran off after depriving her of blood. Upon draining the first human she chanced on of all the red liquid in his/her veins, she then went on to amass a huge amount of money. No one has ever tried to find out how she built her fortune. Despite the tattoo of a raven over he left eyebrow, she is very friendly, or at least when she’s not waving her katana, which contains the soul of the ice-dragon Hyorinmaru. No on has ever tried to find out how she managed to break the fourth wall either. She also has a disturbing fantasy regarding Fowl the Second…
And as my introductions get longer and more elaborate, the cracks on my window are also getting longer and more elaborate. For the sake of my pet goldfish, I shall dis-continue this until I am assured of my apparent safety.
Good-bye dear readers, the next episode will be arriving soon. See you behind the fourth wa- oops, not supposed to reveal that.
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