Sorry for the lack of updates lately–real life is killing me and I’ve got tons of other obligations to fill. DX I’m actually quite proud of this one. Keep in mind that this is genderswitch!Artemis, so yes, he is a girl. No, it’s not Artemis’s daughter, lol.

-

(Fowl Manor)

-

“So…uh…what do you wanna do tonight?” a stammer came from the other side of the phone, in obvious nervousness. Artemis sighed. Why, oh why did her parents set her up to this ridiculous—dare she say it, date? Surely the sins on her head weren’t enough to amount to this. She closed her eyes as she tried to regain the composure in her voice.

 

“Surprise me”, she chimed in faux politeness. Artemis had learned early on that a cold and conniving voice only tended to scare away possible suitors. And Father couldn’t have that, could he? It was bad enough that the girls at St Nolan’s—a mixed private school—had assumed her to be homosexual. The nerve! Just because she held no interest for those snot-nosed idiots of the male species, didn’t mean that she was…to use a common phrase, gay! And now that her Father felt the need to set his thirteen year old daughter with a fiancée…

 

Really, it was all going downhill from there.

 

“Alright then, see you at seven”, the voice on the other end closed the connection, and Artemis felt like she had just signed another death contract. There was only so much stupidity that a genius’s mind could take, after all. Even if she dismissed this—boy, there would only be more of them, waiting to try their luck at the esteemed Fowl heiress, like a trophy at a contest.

 

It wasn’t that Artemis found the concept of commitment hard to take, but was a bit of personality and poise too much to ask for? Artemis had so many personnel under her authority already, and she sure didn’t need another—generic puppy dog who would ask how high when she told them to jump. Albeit a puppy dog that she would be obliged to spend much of her time with, serve under (Artemis’s dignity cringed at the thought), and share her bed with. She cringed again, this time partly for effect. And for her to go through this humiliation, where the lady was naturally expected to act submissive and pleasant…

 

Oh god oh god ohgodohgod…there she went again. This was just another normal date…there was nothing to worry about…

 

Artemis wondered briefly if it was possible to endure with her dignity intact. Well, it wasn’t as if she could back off now. She headed towards her gargantuan, color-coordinated closet.

 

Like she had a choice in the first place…

 

-

(Outside Resturant: [restaurant name censored for AFII’s security purposes])

-

 

“Are you sure it’s him?” Artemis asked before the girl beside her gave an extremely offended look.

 

“Artemis, I spent days on end staring at that guy’s photo for three days straight. I think I’d know if it’s some random dude in disguise. And I’ve come prepared for every eventuality” the blonde girl smiled smugly. “I sure didn’t get this blue diamond tattoo for nothing, you know”

 

“Yes, yes I suppose you’re right” Artemis scowled. “Keep alert, just in case”

 

“You might want to wipe that scowl off your face. It’ll freeze on your face, you know” Juliet Butler snickered. “And we wouldn’t want lover boy scared off, would we?”

 

“Hey, Artemis.” The blonde haired boy walked towards her, waving, and then added as an afterthought. “Have you been waiting long?”

 

“No, I’ve just arrived” Artemis replied soothingly, smiling an almost warm smile. “Well, shall we take the booth over by the corner, Eamon?” Juliet muttered a discreet: ‘bipolar weirdo’, low enough for the boy not to hear, but loud enough for the Fowl heiress to catch her words.

 

“Erm…I didn’t realize you were bringing your…friend” Eamon shuffled uncomfortably.

 

“Bodyguard” Juliet corrected automatically before responding to the incredulous silence. “What? Thought little Arty here invited me here for a threesome or something? Dirty, dirty thoughts, Eamon! Though I wouldn’t really mind if—”

 

“Enough, Butler” Artemis cut in an almost bored tone. “We’re not among enemies today”

 

Juliet only sulked in response. “Whatevs. Get on with your date already! All my friends at Madam Ko’s are dying for photos! Be sure to kiss the guy before we leave, Arty! It would kinda…you know, defeat the purpose if all you’re doing is sitting there with the guy like another business dinner”

 

The waitress who came over in the middle of Juliet’s jabber coughed politely, halting the over-enthusiastic bodyguard in mid-babble. “Are you ready to order?” she tried her best to avoid eye contact with Artemis, and shot a sympathetic look over at Eamon, who looked close to fleeing the restaurant at any moment.

 

“Oh yes” Artemis hid a small smirk. “Well, I’ll take the caviar soup, the roasted lamb in saffron seasoning, and the pesce spada cotto a lea” the young Fowl smiled as if she hadn’t just ordered a meal worth an average worker’s monthly wage as her date just stared, stunned.

 

 “I assume you’ll be paying?” Artemis grinned almost demonically. Of course, she could have easily paid the bill herself, but watching her date squirm was part of the fun—and the plan.

 

“That goes without saying” he affirmed. “in fact, please give us two portions, waitress”

 

Artemis tried to hold back her laughter. Oh how perfectly typical. She knew a man’s pride better than anyone, which only made it easier to manipulate them.

 

“Coming right up” the poor girl left the table hurriedly, not daring to turn back for another glance at the pale vampiric girl and the victimized boy.

 

“So…” Artemis leaned back into her seat. “lets get to business…”

 

Juliet took one look at the Machiavellian smirk on Artemis’s face and shook her head.

 

Tonight was defiantly not going to end well for Eamon…

 

-

(Fowl Manor)

-

“God, Artemis…” Juliet sighed. “You didn’t have to traumatize the poor guy”

 

The young Fowl snorted. “Well, remind me who’s the one who tried seducing my boyfriend into a threesome”

 

“Arty, can’t you take a joke?”

 

Artemis stared very seriously at Juliet and replied. “No”

 

“And you wonder why you haven’t gotten laid yet?” Juliet sighed, ignoring Artemis’s reddening face. “You really need to get out more. I’m guessing that you don’t really want a fiancée, huh? Well, good luck breaking the news to your dad. Assassins don’t nearly scare me as much as he does” the bodyguard nudged her charge with her elbow.

 

“If you haven’t noticed, I don’t plan on telling him” Artemis murmured quietly. “None of the men that he selects are ever up to my standard or preference, and there’s no way I’d be able to avoid being married off forever”

 

“So what are you going to do?” Juliet asked with a hint of concern. Not enough for it to be completely apparent, but not completely concealed either. “No grand schemes? No insane shenanigans that not even someone like my brother would have approved of? You do realize that people will think you’re a bit off for not having a fiancée at this point, right?”

 

Artemis laughed softly. “That’s just the way the world is. There’s no problem with a man not having a wife, but for a woman not to have a husband…well, I’ll just have to make do near the end, won’t I?” she replied bitterly. “The problem is how long I’ll be able to hold out until I find someone with at least some degree of intelligence or personality. The boys I’ve been dating are all even starting to look the same. Fancy suits and cologne don’t exactly enhance their likeability”

 

“You know, Artemis…I don’t think it’s because you can’t find anyone suitable. Eamon was actually quite nice, yet you didn’t even give him a chance” Juliet mused. “And you know very well that you could probably have anyone with your status and fortune, but you wait for your father to spoon-feed you suitors”

 

“Butler…” Artemis’s eye twitched in irritation. “You better not be implying what I think you’re implying. For your information, I’ve checked his records and decided that he wasn’t worth it”

 

“And since when did people judge love by records or resumes?” the bodyguard pointed out. “Artemis, love isn’t just about ‘giving’ yourself to a person like a possession or feeling obliged to get married and stuff just for looking good in public! You are without a doubt, the most egotistical, stubborn prude I’ve ever worked for”

 

“Aside from the fact that I’m the only principal you’ve ever worked for?” Another laugh. “Besides, Butler. What have I ever done to convince you otherwise?”

–

LOL. Oddest ending ever. Oh well, I couldn’t find any other way to end this chappie *dodges rotten tomatoes*

Juliet is referred to as ‘Butler’ by Artemis because of some lame rule Madame Ko set up that the principal isn’t allowed to know their first name. Cranky weirdo…and Juliet’s the bodyguard because it’ll be weird if Domovoi was. Bodyguards are matched to principals by gender if I remember correctly (Juliet took care of Mrs. Fowl, and the Major with AF I)

Will there be any romance at all in this story?! WTH is with our poor Arty?! Well, you’ll just have to find out later, won’t you? *cackles*

PLEASE drop a comment! It’s been reeeaaalllyyyy long since I’ve been in the Artemis Fowl fandom and I’m worried sick about OOCness in here, especially since I feel like I’m writing Arty in Death-Note-immature-genius style. And Juliet. Bleh. It’s my first time writing her Bwahaha! She’s so much fun to mess with :3 I love ‘em all.

Some other stories by Star Jinin:

• Update! LOL Be afraid, be very afraid...XD
• Death Note
• Blood Lily
• An Artemis Fowl Christmas

Skip to chapter: 1, 2,