Prologue; I’m no chicken

Artemis Fowl was no ordinary fifteen year old boy. He was rich, famous, and, quite frankly, a genius. But sometimes, he wished otherwise. He wished he could just blend into a crowd, wished his father could be proud of him, wished he could just play music. A secret passion, electric guitar.
But right now? Work, work and more work. The plagues of being smart, more homework. His best friends, Holly and Joel looked at him, smiling.
‘I don’t get why you bother with homework,’ Holly said, ‘it’s stupid, you do enough work at school.’
Artemis glared at her, ‘you’re more of a suck up than me…’ he muttered, ‘you can get away with it.’
Holly raised an eyebrow, ‘I get a detention every week,’ she said, ‘and have done since Year Seven.’
‘Teachers like you.’
Joel laughed, ‘teachers hate her, for being smarter than them.’
‘They don’t hate me that much! Miss Hill adores me!’
‘She only wants you for your body!’
‘Eugh! You are twisted!’
Artemis smiled, listening to his friends bicker, ‘maybe I shouldn’t do my homework for once.’ He stood up, ‘who wants to go the Snakes?’
The Snakes was a club that the three friends visited sometimes, which was adorned with dark walls and flourescent green lights, with dark green leather seats, and barmen that sold you anything, whatever age you were.
‘You are not going out dressed like that,’ Holly said firmly, looking Artemis up and down critically, ‘Slipknot t-shirt, black jeans and skate shoes please, and for God’s sake, do your hair!’
Artemis grabbed some clothes off his bed and walked into his bathroom. He came out a few minutes later, wearing a pair of loose black jeans, a black Slipknot Zipperface t-shirt and black DVS skate shoes. His dark fringe fell shaggily into his eyes.
‘Happy now?’

Ten shots of Vodka, two glasses of Absinthe and a few pints of beer later…

Artemis Fowl was drunk, very drunk. He slumped lazily onto his seat, ‘les’ play truth r’ dare!’ He exclaimed, lifting up his can of Carling.
Holly rolled her eyes, ‘fine… truth or dare Artemis?’
‘I’M NO CHICKEN! DARE!’
Holly and Joel looked at eachother, smirking.
‘On your head be it, Arty.’ Joel said, taking a sip of Vodka, ‘on your head be it.’

Artemis woke up the next day with a splitting headache. Groaning, he rolled out of bed and stumbled into his shower. He felt instant relief as the steamy water rolled down his body, then he remembered the dare.
‘ARGH!’
He knew that there was a black bunny suit- designed for girls- waiting for him on his armchair.
Cursing Holly under his breath, he stepped out of the shower and dried himself with one of his big fluffy red towels, then he approached the suit as you would approach a diseased rat.
The suit consisted of a black silk corset with a black ultra mini-skirt attached, black stockings, a fluffy white bunny tail, black bunny ears and black stilettos.
‘Where did she even get this?’ He said to himself, struggling into the corset.
Once he had successfully got into the entire suit, he grabbed his black messenger bag and stormed as fast as his heels would let him down the stairs.
Juliet was waiting at the door for him, and she turned bright red with concealed laughter when she saw Artemis.
‘Oh, go on,’ Artemis snapped, ‘laugh!’
Juliet couldn’t help herself, ‘what- giggle- on earth- giggle- are you- giggle- wearing!?’
‘Holly dared me…’
‘Would you wear a bunny suit if Holly dared you? Oh, wait, you have!’
Artemis stuck his nose in the air and walked outside, ignoring the cold, to the Mercedes.
‘Bye Juliet!’

Artemis reached school at the point where everyone was standing in the playground, waiting for the bell to ring. The loudest silence ever heard took place when he walked through the groups of teenagers. Then…
‘WOOOOOOO!’
‘QUEER!’
Cat-Calls, jeers and wolf whistles could be heard. All the people who’s lives Artemis had made hell teased him, stupidly thinking that he wouldn’t get them back for this.
The dark haired boy stormed to where Holly and Joel were standing, gaping at him.
‘You actually went through with it!?’ Holly said, obviously shocked, ‘you are an idiot! Get the camera, Joel!’
Joel took out a digital camera and hurriedly took a picture of Artemis, ‘he he!’ He cackled, ‘we have History with Mr.Grant first, you’re gonna get devoured!’
Joel gave Artemis a piggyback up the stairs when the bell finally rung, but Mr.Grant was another story.
‘MR.FOWL! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?’ He roared, saliva flying onto those unfortunate souls that sat on the front row.
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Artemis drawled sarcastically, ‘perhaps I just like being a bunny rabbit?’
‘Good call Arty,’ Holly hissed, amidst the giggles of the rest of the class, ’show attitude!’
‘GO TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE, NOW!’

The leisurely stroll to the Headmasters office usually only took around five minutes, today however, Artemis had to stop every five seconds to sort out his outfit, so it took around twenty.
‘I am going to kill you Holly,’ he said darkly as he knocked on the tall black door.
‘Come in!’
Artemis opened the door to face Mr.Morton, a man of thirty with a slight tendency to have some bimbo hanging off his arm. It surprised Artemis, then, to see that Morton was, checking him out.
‘S-Sit down, Mr.Fowl.’
Artemis sat down opposite Morton and said, ‘Mr.Grant sent me here, sir, because of my outfit.’
Morton pulled at his collar, ‘really Mr.Fowl? I see nothing wrong with your, er, current attire.’
Artemis knew what had to be done, ’so, you’re not going to punish me, sir?’
He got up from his seat and sat on Mortons’ lap, ‘but, what if I want to be punished, sir?’ He fiddled with Mortons’ tie with his long fingers.
‘Then, Artemis,’ Morton said silkily, putting his hands around Artemis’ slim waist, ‘I’m sure we can arrange something, after school.’
‘Thankyou, sir.’
Suppressing a shudder, Artemis walked out of the office and took out his mobile. He punched in a number and held it to his ear.
‘Hello, Artemis?’ Came Domovoi’s voice from the other end of the line, ‘what may I do for you?’
‘Oh, Dom, it was so horrible,’ Artemis pretended to sob, ‘Mr.Morton started touching me, just now when I was in his office, and now he says that he’s going to punish me after school!’
Domovoi was quiet for a few seconds, ‘is he still in his office?’ He asked roughly.
‘Y-Yes.’
Domovoi hung up, leaving Artemis to laugh all the way back to class.

‘Do you reckon we’ll ever see him again?’ Holly asked at lunch, as Artemis had just finished telling her and Joel the story about his trip to the Headmasters office.
Joel took a bite out of him sandwich, ‘I don’t think so,’ he said, ‘I mean, after Domovoi’s done with him…’
The three friends exchanged looks, they knew what Domovoi did to people who hurt Artemis. Joel frowned.
‘Hey Arty,’ he said, ‘why have you got a picture of a giant rabbit on your bag?’
Artemis blushed furiously, just a few minutes after he had called Butler he had had a sudden urge to get a picture of a bunny, something he was hoping he wouldn’t have to tell anyone.
‘Well, er, I… I just like bunnies, okay!?’ He realised what he had said a few moments later, and turned a deeper shade of red. Then he realised how loud he had said it, because suddenly all attention was drawn to him.
‘God,’ Holly groaned, putting her head in her hands, ‘it’s embarrassing even sitting with you!’

‘We need to get you over this obsession, Arty.’
Joel, Holly and Artemis were sitting in Artemis’ red and black room.
‘I have an idea,’ Joel said, looking in his bag, ‘these!’ He pulled out about a dozen A4 pictures of models, all ripped out of magazines.
‘EEEEWWWW!’ Holly screamed, covering her eyes.
Artemis looked at them, ‘ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, oooh that one looks like you Holly! Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, and I’m pretty sure that last one is a man! The only pretty one is the one who looks like Holly!’ Artemis smiled a Vampire smile and pounced on Holly, kissing her full on the lips.

Joel let out a low whistle.

One week later, and Holly was still refusing to speak to Artemis.
‘You know what, Arty?’ Joel said, as they walked up the stairs to English, ‘you are one clever kid. But for a genius, you can be REALLY stupid!!!’