Mulch, Don’t Sue the Postal Service!
Written on May 26th, 2008 by 017350Story Details
Loading ...A/N: I know it’s not the best name. But I loved Vinyaya’s “Holly, don’t shoot the mailman!” story, so I decided to make my own. I need you guys to write letters to either Artemis, Holly, or Mulch. Then, I’ll write down a response, and post it here. Remember, RR&R (Read, Rate and Review)!
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Mulch was in his lounge deep down under the ground, when the doorbell rang. Mulch peeked out, and saw the mailgnome there. He was a bit surprised. The mailgnome usually didn;t come until late afternoon. It was barely eleven now! Neverthless, he opened the door. “May I come in?” asked the gnome. “Okay…” said Mulch uncertainly. Once in, the gnome dropped the huge pile of mail on the table. “Sorry,” said the gnome. Too much to fit in the mailbox. With that, he left.
Mulch started opening the mail…
May 27th, 2008 at 3:11 am
Hey Mulch!
Don’t you ever get cavities eating dirt? Do you get worms hiding in your molars? If so, buy Star Jinin’s Ultrawhite toothpaste today!
(sorry, I had a urge to put some spam in Mulch’s mail)
May 27th, 2008 at 5:54 am
Hey Mulch!
Isn’t it annoying to have the LEP always on your back? Why don’t you try our Invisibility Cream! They won’t see you even if your covered in dirt!
Sorry about coppying yours Star Jinin.
And I wanna see you story develop!
May 27th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Greetings Mulch.
I wanted to ask you if you are out of jail yet. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if Holly and Artemis weren’t in it? Do you actually regret Julius Roots death? Also, just wanted to ask, why did you choose burglary? Why not simply stay in the mines and pinch the gold?
Hope all goes well for you Mr Diggums
From a fan
Livy
May 27th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Hola, mi amigo. Ju doo remebayer dat ju haven not qvuite finished jour service in de Mahicano prisone. Ve are vaiting vright acroz ze border. Be dere at 12:00 a.m. on ze 12th of June.
Zigned,
Belgian in Mexico
May 27th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Mulch,
I know what you are thinking and yes, I am Artemis. We need you to open a certain vault. It has had Butler and I stumped for some time now and a brilliant theif such as yourself would have no trouble opening it.
No, I haven’t been stealing anything that wasn’t stolen in the first place.
Yes, I need the advice of one Mulch Diggums, Private Investigator. Do not get a big head about it.
May 27th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Mulch-
I don’t care how good a burgler you are, you’d never be able to break into my house! I have the best security system in the world, better than Fowl Manor’s! If you touch the wall and the wall doesn’t recognize your fingerprint, alarms will automatically blare everywhere! This is an invitation- well, more of a dare. If you can break into my house and steal my prized ruby necklace, then I’ll give you 1,000,000,000 dollars in cash. See you there- if you’re brave enough.
-Julia, aka songfic_freak
May 27th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Dear Holly-
This is you before you shrunk you’re new eye! o_0
Sorry, I saw an opportunity to use my odd smiley face and I took it. Anyway, I’m a huge fan! Please write back fast!
~Julia, aka songfic_freak
May 27th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Hey Holly
Will you ever return to the LEP or are you done with them for good? Is it completely a deal that you are working for Section 8 because I think you will like it best there, there’s no Stinky Sool. He is not nice…
Answer soon!
~Squemi~
May 27th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Mulch!
Here at AF fangathering, there’s a rumor going around that you have 5 carots of diamond stuck in your intestines right now! Is it true?
Also, this girl who used to be here, Jelly just escaped from the mental institution to find you! I suggest you Jelly-proof your home.
-Star Jinin
May 27th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Holly 304. Isn’t your letter a bit racist? Most Mexicans and Spanish don’t have that accent and ze is more french.
July 4th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Hello Mulch, our *favorite* kleptomaniac dwarf,
This is the LEP reporting that we have found your secret lair undernieth The 11 Wonders Theme Park. We are going to have to raid it and send you to Howler’s Peak. May you get set ablaze by the captive goblins there.*Evil Laugh*
From LEP Agent,
MylesandBeckett
P.S. Don’t try anything funny, we have a Mulchcam.
P.P.S. An upgraded version of the Artycam.
P.P.P.S. *Evil Laugh*
July 4th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Dear Section 8 Agents Holly and Artemis Fowl,
We are sad to say that both of you are FIRED!
This is because you have been *unacounted for* at several special meetings, one of which has been planed for two years straight.Even though you and Artemis are… um…*ahem* well, you know… together, dosen’t mean you can play HOOKY!
Sadly *sniff* from,
Foaly
July 10th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Dear Mulchy
Its my Opal I alweis wantad to say that I wrily like you. I wold like to go aut whit you. See you soon.
Hugs and Kisses
Opal
September 14th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Greetings, convict. I am sorry that I cannot pay you a social visit, but things are too hectic right now. One of my friends has a case for you, but she won’t tell me, so I cannot tell you. By the By, have you ever had the chance of meeting Holly’s unknown sister? I tells a little about her in Tears of love, but… Got to go. Time to plot my dasterly plots.
The_Right_Girl
January 20th, 2009 at 8:05 am
More please!
Dear Mulch,
I think that you are very funny! How do you get to be so funny? Can you learn? Mostly, I only make others laugh on accident…. Anyways, how do you survive with the LEP always always on you about you helping them and you ending up saving them?! Is it because you’re so cunning? Because you’re so tactical? Or because you’re so lovable and so wonderful to be around?
Sincerly,
ArtemisFowlfan96
February 21st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
hey wats up holly?,
u dont kno me but i kno all bout u n artemis fowl!
i cant tell u how much i kno incase this message falls in2 the wrong hands but plz note that i aint the only 1
the entire artemis fowl forum kno all bout u thanx 2 a certain mr.eoin colfer.
so if u want ur secret 2 remain that way u will deliver 1 metric ton of gold 2 the alleyway in made-up street.
-urs truly
p.s i aint artemis in disguise.
p.p.s arty has a crush on u!!!!
April 6th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Dear Artemis,
I know gnommish by heart so when we meet don’t pretend.
A poem I’ll give you say it with me and then,
A power unlocked shall be ours alone,
I just hope we do it before our parents get home.
This power is great and soon the world shall be ours,
I just hope we can control our new powers.
Recite the poem I put on after this at midnight on the next full moon.
‘There are seven bridges between the world and five of them are broken,
the sixth one has no rails to hold,
And the seventh one was stolen.
captive them the wand’ring dead,
For an epoch the worlds turn.
When halfway from the mortal realm a builder will return.
His twisted tough will utter song a champion will arise.
But fallen Groundling or gentle Guard his choices will decide.’
Yours truly,
Ally