Letters to the FOWL Characters
Written on July 30th, 2008 by AF rulesStory Details
- Status : Incomplete
- Category: Uncategorized and General and Action and Crossovers and Funny and Other and Romance
- Author: AF rules
- Word Count: 14264
- Read 4,134 times
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(14 votes, average: 4.07 out of 5)
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“Artemis” said Butler knocking on Artemis’ bedroom door. “What is it Butler?” Artemis asked annoyed. “You have a whole bag of letters outside. Artemis rolled his eyes. Probably more fan mail from those psychos at Artemis Fowl Fanfiction. Artemis went down stairs and opened the first letter.
____________________________
Dear Artemis Fowl
I would like to tell you that you are my favorite book character EVER!
Your friend,
AF Rules
PS. Please tell Minerva that I hate her.
PSS. Do you love Holly Short?
_____________________________
Dear AF Rules
I’m happy that you hate Minerva,I do to. Yes,I do love Holly Short,just don’t tell her that.
Artemis Fowl 
PS. Please tell everyone at Artemis Fowl Fanfiction to stop sending me letters.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:58 am
FIRST COMMENT DANCE… Ya okay…. good but i’m….short..needs to be longer and like ten or twenty more letters.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:15 am
I need you guys to please comment,and tell me your letter ideas.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:07 am
*Start Letter*
To the great Artemis Fowl,
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You say you are so smart, do you? You are going to need more than Solinium to stop tracking sattelites!
Because I have developed an anti-solinium beam! I can see you right now, staring at a picture of Captain Holly Short!
Thats right, I know of the people.
How do you think you can stop me from ripping them off some MORE of their gold? hmmmm?
Kindest regards,
Marcus Dannard
*End letter*
Note, my name is NOT Marcus Dannard! (I came up with it on the spot).
I’d like to see Artemis’s response to that.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
To the great Artemis Fowl,
My name is not of importance. But what is of importance is the fact that I find it rather annoying that you continue to refer to yourself as a genius. I do agree on that part but I must warn you, continue to refer to yourself in such a concieted manner and I shall, unfortunately, have to relieve you of that title.
Kindest regards. XxX
p.s. Yes I am quite clever, but there is always room for improvement. You see I am not nearly as concieted. Good day.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Cool!
To Artemis Fowl the second.
I really find it annoying that you have finally found a conscience. No, really. I liked you better when you were just a heartless little guy. At least then you didn’t waste time moaning in your head about what to do. Yuck - what a really bad waste of time. And a supposed genius too. I’m not too sure about the ‘genius’ issue, but let’s just call you that for now. You had better put away that picture of Holly now. Yes, she does look nice, but don’t be distracted. And yes, we can all see you too. Aha - you are looking around for a camera.
From: Your sincere friend concerned about your well-being.
XXX
July 30th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Holly and Artemis,
Holly, Artemis Loves you. Artemis, i enjoy ruining you life after you forgot to create a cooking show and sing you favorite song, hit me baby one more time. Caviar is STILL disgusting. Holly, your cool. i think you should ask artemis out because he is too chicken to do it himself. He is also staring at your pic. Kinda weird. Artemis, i see you right now. You are sitting there making a plan to kill minerva. I say… go ahead, you go ahead.
Ashley
July 31st, 2008 at 12:04 pm
To the great Artimis fowl {hunter my ass}
Why do you hate MINERVA. She is not half that bad.
Jacquline
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:16 am
Hey Artemis, Foaly here.
Pity I had to send ’snail’ mail but some dumb hooha crashed my system.
Could you please redirect a supermarket truck delivery of carrots to this address:
145 Elfy way, Haven city, underground.
see ya when you need to save the world again.
Kindest regards,
Foaly Centaursson.
P.S. I could lend you a TriBarrelBlaster to kill Minerva.
P.S.S. In exchange for carrots.
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Dearest Artemis,
I dont take threats very well, as you will soon find out. So here is a bomb. I’m on the bad guys side at the moment. I’ll return to your side after you sing. and tell Holly, OMG WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???? she likes you, btw. She stares at your picture. like you stare at her. Glad to hear Minerva is dead. It is glad thing. how did you do it??? Still hating,
Ashley
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:33 am
Foaly again,
Sure, okay, Caballine is just getting some more pies ready now.
Artemis, PLEASE STOP DESTROYING MY COMPUER NETWORK, OR I’LL CRASH YOURS!!!
Sincerely, Foaly.
August 4th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Dear Artemis Fowl,
August 4th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Dear Artemis Fowl II,
My name is classified. You may try to track this letter but I will be gone when you finally arrive. I would just like to tell you that I know of the People’s existence and I will take them down and rule Haven.
BWAHAHAHA!!!
PS You are not the genius you think you are. I am smarter. I am younger. I am prettier. Good luck Mr. Fowl we will meet whben I feel the time is right.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Dear big fat dumb idiot thats name is artemis,
I dont know opal, because it fact, I am better than her, and i dont converse with idiots. and that bomb, it didnt kill anyone important. I STILL hate you, but not as much. I am smarter than you so… you just suck. have a nice life. tell holly, i take back what i said, she is pretty cool.
Smart girl who is evil,
Ashley
PS Minerva sucks, we can agree on that
PPS This letter will self distruct.
PPPS Tag, your it!
August 5th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Dear Artemis
Do you care that it isn’t exactly legal for you to marry Holly? Will you do it anyway? I HOPE SO!
ANSWER!
Squemi
P.S Holly loves you back so you may as well ask her out!
August 5th, 2008 at 6:15 am
HOLLY AND ARTYU FOREVA AND A DAY! :*
August 5th, 2008 at 8:16 am
To all at Fowl Fanfiction,
STOP DESTROYING MY COMPUTER!!!!
AAAAAGH!!!!!
Artemis, love the carrots you gave me, they were only three days old this time!
Mulch wishes to say that you need cooking lessons. He really hates your sandwiches.
From Foaly (my patience is running out about my computer, Fanfic people!)
August 6th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Dear Artemis,
Your Elf kissing days are not over yet I would like to ask you out.
love,
Captain Holly
P.S. i really enjoyed our kiss we shared in the past
August 6th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Hey artemis,
You totaly rock even though i haven’t had chance to read all the books,(my life is hectik), but don’t worry i will cause my friend told me all about them, god minerva is a real paperhead!!! I’m glad she is dead cause i would have done it myself by what i heard!!! You and Holly are like totaly perfect for each other i hope it lasts!!! Omg minerva is a complete and utter muffinbrain!!! ruzzi ps.please answer!!!
August 6th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Artemis,
I am personally glad that it killed the president. I am here to tell you that you are IT which means you have to tag someone, but not me. And i am not mad at you anymore! so :peace: :tantrum: :wub: :horse: :starwars: :microwave: :merryxmas: :stupid: :party: :rockon:
Ashley, the smiley queen!
August 7th, 2008 at 12:59 am
Artemis,
Bush is an idiot!! all those high gas prices, there ARE alternitives! Plus this war is ridiculous. sooo there! (as you can see, i am a physco) minerva’s ghost says she’s coming for you, but i threw some rock salt at her, and she disappeared. No more EMF’s!! Have a nice day
Ashley
August 7th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Dear Artemis,
This is a piece of fan mail from the Fanfiction site. I would just like to say that Minerva is kinda annoying [O.K., a LOT more than annoying] and that you rock! Go super smart kids who are rich and are criminally mastermines before they can drive!! Rock on!!
-TroubleKelp704
P.S. Foaly,your computer may crash soon.:]:]:]:]
August 8th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Artemis,
There is no need to bboby trap his computer.
I can just hijack a nuclear missile and bomb his whole city to nothing!!!
10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1..BOOM!
(TroubleKelp704) Hahahahah you are dead (lol jk).
Dearest wishes to TrubKelp704 and the evillest, most pie loving criminal mastermind I know, Foaly.
August 9th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Poo on you ToubleKelp.(lol jk) Now I’m dead. Then how am I typing this? Never mind. Dearest wishes to you too. Go pie!
August 10th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Oops. I killed him.
And now there is poo on my head. That stinks. (literally).
Caballine has got some more pies ready, by the way.
Fixing my computer,
Foaly.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Dear Artemis,
I am your long lost daughter.Yes, I am from your previous relationship with Minerva.You have killed my mother, so I must say this one thing:THANK YOU!!!!!
Love,
Artemis Fowl III
P.S.I would like to come and live with you,and I promise not to tell Holly that Minerva was my mother.
P.P.S.I will tell her that I am your third cousin,twice removed.
August 11th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Why did you kill me? You aren’t invited to my funeral.(loljk) Wait,how I’m I typing this?Maybe I’m a ghost.Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, you better watch out for flying poo! Mwahahahahahahahaha!Go random! And poo on Minerva even though she’s not alive!
August 12th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Hey,I’m not a him!I’m a her! Go random!
August 12th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Oh, whoops. You’re username kinda suggested u were a boy.
Oh, well, here are the pies Artemis.
:p
I poisoned one
More spam later,
Foaly.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
It’s ok.I just thought Trouble Kelp was cool like that and it would make a good username.Anyway,Go random! And Artemis Fowl!
August 13th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Dear Arty,
I’m totally in love with you and I can’t believe I can actually write a letter to you (insert crazy fan girl screams here) AND I have your house under surveillance and am right now staring at a picture of you, you look sssssooooooo cute in that blue suit. As soon as the invisible martians I have positioned above your house take care of Butler I will come for you and you WILL be my husband. Together with your intelligence and my crazy obsessiveness we will take over the world you as the Emperor and me beside you as your Empress (sigh) every crazy fangirls’ dream. Hey, guess what, I know about the People, see we have so much in common!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Love,
A crazy fan girl whose name need not concern you
There’s my letter idea love the story bye
p.s. I really am in love with Artemis Fowl and as soon as I get done typing this I will continue my work on a machine that will bring fictional characters to life Muahahahahahahahahahaha…Bye
August 14th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Yay! my system is back up and running! Hopefully the Fanfic sickos won’t- gnur4f85v 1001011110110101001100101001011001101101011010010101001100011001010010100110001101001100110101010110101101011001010101010
AAAAGH!!!
The pies are going to have to wait.
Fixing my computer again,
Foaly
August 18th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Dear Foaly,
Mwahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha! I am not TroubleKelp704,but the evil 6 and a Half!!!!(If you don’t understand,read the story called Go Random!! by TroubleKelp704.That should clear things up.) I am going to crash your computer,even though I’m not a Fanfic sicko.I’m doing this because I’m evil!After that I’m not really sure what I’m going to do,maybe eat eat dinner or team up with Opal Koboi and rule the world,I can’t decide.Oh well.
A very evil person,
6 and a Half
August 19th, 2008 at 6:57 am
Dear Artemis,
What do you plan on doing once Haven is finally safe and there are absolutely no villians? And humans don’t plan on digging far into the earth and end up running into Haven, anything bad, etc. Everything is at peace? What will you do then?
Sincerely,
Dwarf Man
August 19th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I really hope its eat dinner, 6 and a half.
If you dare to crash my computer you are in for a big surprise.
I put a self destruct virus in my computer.
Your computer sends a virus and my computer sends its virus down the link, and you blow up!
Laughing like a maniacal weenie,
Foaly.
P.S. Artemis, there are some more pies coming!
August 19th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Dear Foaly,
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.I think I may just use that missle that you used to kill TroubleKelp704.Or maybe a pie. I will decide after I eat dinner.Or team up with Opal Koboi.I can’t decide.But somehow,I will crash your computer.
A very very evil person,
6 and a Half
August 19th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Dear Artemis,
Thank you.I know I’m an idiot.My name is 6 and a Half for crying out loud!(Well,that’s not really my fault.)But your computers will crash soon.Maybe I will use Jon Spiro or someone else for my evil plans. I will crash your computers after I eat dinner.Mwhahahahahahahahahahaha!
6 and a Half
August 19th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Dear Arty Warty,
I am quite happy to hear that Butler retired. It does not hinder my plan at all (though I am rather sorry about the guy that they did dissect, remind me to decrease the pay of the martians).
Congratulations on your marriage but I’m afraid that Holly was in the way of my plan(I was going to let her live but you had to go and marry her (sigh) oh well). So I took it upon myself to build the worlds first dimension traveler. Holly is now in a dimension where all people with pointy ears are dunked in a cauldron of lava. I’m sad to say that in about two minuets your wife will be nothing but a pile of smoldering ash.
As for the ‘army of police’ they were merely a bunch of children with water guns compared to my awesome fire bending abilities. They held me up for about thirty seconds so I will be at your house very shortly. Remember not to make me mad around flammable objects, bye.
With love,
The future Mrs. Artemis Fowl
August 21st, 2008 at 10:31 am
Sorry Artemis, I have managed to hack into your email and I saw some of the fanmail. I almost sicked up some carrots.
6 and a half, you are a complete and utter weenie. The missile I used to destroy TK704 was destroyed in the nuclear explosion which soon followed the warhead’s actual impact on the ground. So, yeah.
Running to bathroom to throw up,
Foaly.
P.S. Are you sure you don’t need a Tribarrel Blaster?
*end message*
hahahahahahahaha rofl
August 21st, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Dear Artemis,
Sorry that 6 and a Half hacked into my account and sent you crazy letters.I need to find a better place to hide my password.6 and a Half is really stupid and it won’t let it happen again.I sent 6 and a Half someplace cold,dark,smelly and very far away.I also agree with TroubleKelp,6 and a Half is a complete and utter weenie.
TroubleKelp704
August 23rd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Dear Artemis,
nvkjdfuirekjdcnvhgfwiretfwureihrweuwhaudh
jksdnfjgvsuireguaesgkfdjhgkajfhgkjdfhvkjd
jjfjjduryeoepkdhncncgdgsjkslancvxvzwseuur
I’m weird aren’t I? I enjoy being weird very much and I adore writing random things. I’m in love with you. But since you married Holly and made my cousin cry (yes my cousin is that obsessed girl with the fire bending powers) I hate you, so I went to worlds end from POTC and brought Minerva back to life. She is now coming after you with revenge in her heart. She is obviously mad that you killed her. Don’t get me wrong, I hate Minerva too, but I needed someone to make you pay and I’m a pacifist. I’m a water bender, neat right?
With an odd combination of love and hate,
ME
P.S. I love cheesecake muffins!
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Oops, you found my secret.
I mingle with these fanfic Mud Men under the name TroubleKelp, just to seem incospicuous.
Please don’t tell Holly, she will tease me.
Please,
Foaly.
August 24th, 2008 at 4:22 am
Fine, more pie on the way.
typing some twisted fanfic story,
Foaly
August 24th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Dear Artemis,
What do you mean still creepy? That was my first letter to you. It was my cousin that was writing to you before. By the way Minerva is now immortal unless killed by me and if she kills you(which she will, then I’ll kill her) then you will come back to life and that will make you immortal too, you will watch your family and friends grow old and die while you you stay young and you will be forced to wander the earth alone after all of humanity has wasted away. When the sun finally enlarges to destroy the Earth then you will still not die and you will float in space and never die for all eternity. Imagine the loneliness. The ultimate revenge. Muahahahahahahahaha, that’s what you get for calling my cousin a psycho and making her cry.
With deep and pure hatred,
Aphrodite Short
P.S. I still like cheesecake muffins, so if you want to save yourself and not live forever, then put a big picture of a cheesecake muffin on the Eiffel Tower and we will come to your house and my cousin can marry you. If not, have a terrible eternal life, bye.
August 25th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Dear Artemis,
Sure, let’s be friends. My cousin has gotten over it and is now stalking Murtuagh from the book Eragon. As soon as I get done typing this I will push the button that makes Minerva mortal again so you can have the fun of killing her, AGAIN. Thank you for putting up a picture of a cheesecake muffin. I do so love them.
Your friend,
Aphrodite Short
P.S. Could you warn Trouble Kelp that our other cousins Athena(she controls earth) and Amphitrite (she controls air) will soon be stalking him. They are totally obsessed with him and once they heard that they could write a letter to him they went crazy. I tried to stop them but Artemis (not you my cousin) is in another dimension, and I am no match for them both when I am alone.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:14 am
Dear Artemis,
My last name is Short because thats the name that came on my me and my three cousins adoption papers. We were originally quadruplets but were adopted by different families so now we’re legally cousins. Wait a minute, I see what you’re getting at! I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. I guess that its possible, we are rather short for our age and we each have auburn hair. Me and Amphitrite have blue eyes and Athena and Artemis have hazel eyes. How long have you and Holly been married? Or going out for that matter! Did she act weird for any of that time? You find out and I’ll check with the adoption company to see if they know anything about our real mom. If what you and me are thinking is true then what Artemis felt for you is reeeeeeeaaaaaaaly creepy.
Your friend (and possibly daughter),
Aphrodite Short
P.S. Did you warn Trouble yet? Amphitrite and Athena are even more obsessed than Artemis and I.
P.P.S. I love pie too. My adoptive mother bakes some really good peach pie, I can send you one if you want me to. Bye.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Dear Trouble Wubble Kins,
This is Amphitrite and Athena writing here. We’ll take turns, first is my sister Athena.
I llllllllooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee you. You will become my husband! If you don’t then I’ll wrap vines around your neck until you say yes. I can control earth so the flowers will be really cheap. I’m short for my age so I’d fit in, I can can get pointed ears put on by a plastic surgeon and get a gland or two taken out so I never get any taller. I will do anything to get you to marry me, aaaaannnnnnnyyttthhhhhhiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg!!
It will be my sister’s turn soon. Don’t listen to her MARRY ME!
With deep and passionate love,
Athena
Amphitrite here, I saw how much my sister(she’s legally my cousin) likes you and I just fell in love with Chix Verbil so you don’t have to worry about 2 girls chasing you. Bye.
Your former fan girl,
Amphitrite
August 26th, 2008 at 2:21 am
*start letter*
Dear Arty
*Fangirl scream!*
Well, seeing as your married to Holly (yes I have been spying on everything you do, and your e-mail) I can’t marry you, but I think you, and holly are an uber cute couple!
*Goes to obsess over some other fictional character*
*end of letter*
August 30th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Dear Artemis Fowl,
Your fortune is no longer safe, nor is your title as the worlds smartest criminal mastermind. I have already hacked into your account once and it was too easy and no fun at all. So I didn’t take anything. I have written to request that you to put up more firewalls and traps, this will make stealing your vast fortune much more enjoyable for me. Once I have have stolen your fortune, I will go on to rob many other highly guarded banks, eventually I will have raised sufficient funds to buy out many of the world great leaders.Through my purchased nations I will take over every country eventually with my armies, and effectively rule the world. I have told you my plan because you will try to stop me and that will make my ultimate goal more difficult to obtain. Watch out Artemis Fowl for the title of youngest criminal mastermind now belongs to me, my age is 5 by the way.
Goodbye and good luck,
Rhea Saflo
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:00 am
Dear Dad,
You ruin all my fun! You ground me if I pull a harmless prank! You won’t let me mesmerize my teachers to give me less homework, you won’t let me hack anything, you won’t let me steal anything, when you were my age you already had your own Interpol file! The Fowl name used to be respected! You and Grandfather have poisoned this family with your ‘morals’. Morals shmorals, once I take lead of the Fowl line, I shall return to criminality, and restore the Fowl name!
Your son,
Evanal Fowl (on the prank e-mail I was Rhea Saflo)
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:12 am
Dear Foaly,
OOOOOOHHHHHHHH, F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for anywhere and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea! F is for fire, burn down the whole town, U is for uranium, BOMBS, N is for no survivors! F is for frolic, through all the flowers, U is for Ukalayli, N is for nose picking, sharing gum and sand licking, here with my best buddy!
I wish to someday be genetically combined with Sponge Bob. Could you help me? After all,you are the smartest, most handsomest, centaur in the world.
You wanna be me friend?
A goofy goober
P.S. Your reply must be at least thirty words long or my army of Sponge Bob clones will attack you!
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Dear Artemis,
I am a baker and this is a very serious question.I love your books and I think your a genius.O.K.,here it goes:Do you like muffins?Thank you.
From,
The Muffin Man of Durly Lane
September 4th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Dear Foaly,
YAY! a fellow sponge bob lover! I will send you your very own Sponge bob clone if you help me become genetically combined with Sponge bob. Okay?
Your friend and fellow sponge bob worshiper,
Evanal Fowl
September 6th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Dear Foaly,
Yes, I am Artemis’s son. You do not have to ask my parents about anything though. I ran away one week ago because my father wouldn’t let me do anything criminal except hacking. Imagine! Already nine years old and I haven’t stolen a single thing! I have decided to not become genetically combined with sponge bob though (I went to a very good therapist and was cured of my sponge bob obsession). I will still send you a clone of sponge bob if you promise not to tell my parents where I am (for I have no doubt that you have tracked me by now). I would like to keep in touch because we could hatch some very ingenious evil plans together. First I would like to steal The Fairy Thief from that art museum and beat my father’s record. You may not agree with my lack of morals, but if you want sponge bob then you shall join me, Muahahahahahahahahha!
Your friend,
Evanal Fowl
September 7th, 2008 at 2:26 am
Someone seems to be my impostor in here…
Regards,
The actual Foaly.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Dear Father,
I will come home. I am sorry that I broke your record and stole the Fairy Thief at nine years old. I would be happy to save the world and then steal the Mona Lisa. I didn’t know that Jon Spiro had it.
Your son,
Evanal Fowl
September 12th, 2008 at 1:22 am
*voice message begins in a really creepy deep voice*
Hello Artemis.
Would you like to play a game?
September 13th, 2008 at 2:46 am
Dear Artemis Fowl,
Don’t play his game! I’ve been hacking into your messages and I saw that one. He’s some creepy serial killer who saws off your arms and legs! I haven’t seen the movie, but I’ve seen commercials and my friends have told me about him. I love you, so don’t play his game! Although feel free to recommend Minerva to him. I’m a mad scientist and I accidentally rose Minerva from the grave. Sorry!
With concern,
Young Frankenstein’s daughter
P.S. When I said I loved you I meant your books, I know you and Holly are happily married.
P.P.S. Where ya goin’, I was gonna make espresso.
September 13th, 2008 at 2:54 am
Dear Foaly,
I was rereading my messages, and I noticed something you said. You said my parents have five kids, but I’m an only child! Of course I did here my mother and father talking about some people named Aphrodite, Artemis, Athena, and Amphitrite. Do I have long lost sisters!? Oh no! I’ll have to confront father about this!
Your Friend,
Evanal Fowl
September 13th, 2008 at 3:03 am
Dear Father,
Foaly told me that you had five children! What is the meaning of this! I thought that I was an only child! I demand answers!
Your son,
Evanal Fowl
September 13th, 2008 at 3:12 am
Dear Artemis,
Well, well, well, looks like your son found out about your deep, dark secret. Yes I’ve been monitoring your messages. You never wrote me back you know! Did Holly tell you or not! I held up my end and phoned the adoption center. The only thing they could tell me about my mother was that she had different colored eyes, auburn hair, and looked way to young to have any kids, (she was short, that is). She just dropped us quadruplets off and left. PLEASE write back this time.
Your friend, and most likely daughter,
Aphrodite Short/Fowl (I don’t know which)
September 15th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Hey, AF Rules, you were supposed to put my other letters on there first, it makes more sense that way.
September 18th, 2008 at 1:44 am
(message begins in the same creepy deep voice as the other voice mail)
Hello Foaly,
would you like to play a game?
September 18th, 2008 at 1:46 am
(Voice message to Holly in high pitched kid voices)
one, two, he’s coming for you
three, four, better lock the door…
September 18th, 2008 at 8:47 am
No! I do not want to play a game! I’m still fixing my computer from the last time one of you FG freaks buggered it!
I’m very angry, and to make it worse, I’m typing all of this in front of my son, Tael!
However, strategy games tickle my fancy.
[end]
I just like to screw things up
September 18th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Kidding. I think I meant
not 
September 24th, 2008 at 1:11 am
Dear Artemis,
I would like to know which football team is your favorite. My favorite is the Chicago Bears. Did you know that Matt Forte is the first rookie running back to start for the Bears since Walter Payton? Walter Payton is the best football player to ever exist. I am a HUGE Bears fan, my favorite song is the Superbowl Shuffle, it rocks!
your devoted fan,
Payton#1alltime
P.S. When I said ‘your devoted fan’ I didn’t mean as devoted as I am to the Bears, the fact that you even come close is a compliment. I would also appreciate it if you would ask Holly her favorite team too.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:10 am
To “Artemis Fowl”: I have one simple question that shall prove difficult for you to answer: If I am Artemis Fowl the Second, then who are you? I demand an answer or you shall face my wrath!
yours sincerely, The REAL Artemis Fowl
p.s. If you are the real Artemis, then you should know what the term FICKST DU!!! means.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:23 am
um.. AFRules, you didn’t put in my other two voice messages in, the ones too Holly and Foaly
September 26th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Dear Foaly,
You do NOT get enough credit! You rock! I worship you! I wear tin foil hats because I am so devoted to you that I know everything about you and I wish to protect your secrets from brain probes. Will you please give me your autograph?
Your deeply devoted fan,
Marina Sartink
P.S. Will you adopt me? I’d ask you to marry me, but you already have Callibine.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Sorry Opal. I’m a very busy person. I have about 10 storys that need constent attention. And school a pain and……
Sorry about the ranting! I’ll put your messages in.
Thank youz! *hugs*
September 27th, 2008 at 6:01 am
To Alterenate Artemis Fowl II,
Though you said not to write back, you had asked me a question that was quite nosey of you. And I must say, your aleternative dimension theory is equally interging. Now, back to business, Who am I married to? I have been happily married to Minerva Paradizo for the past sixth months. Any desire I get to leave her, is halted when I look in her eyes and speaks in that lovely voice of hers (like a choir of angles).
Also, when you were writing to tell me to not back to you/me, you began by saying: “By the way….” There SHOULD have been a comma after “way” thus, this suggests I am the smarter Artemis.
—Until later, Artemis Fowl the Second
NOT PART OF LETTER: I am not an A/M supporter I am an A/H supporter.
September 27th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
P.S. [on my letter to Artemis]
there is a reason I sent my mail by letter, I have enclosed a bomb in it and it will now explode in 5 seconds.
September 30th, 2008 at 4:24 am
To my other-wordly counter-part,
I am sorry for my incompetence with the grammer errors and for future reference, when there is an additional post script on letters and whatnot, it would be P.P.S. (post post script). I am now the smarter one!and I told Minerva what you said, and she has now left me (I feel a strange burden lifted) and I have had a strange fellow (whom I believe is an assassin) following me around about two weeks after Minerva left me.
—-the other Artemis Fowl II
P.S. While you are out killing fictional murderers, could you kill Norman Osborn? I hate that man.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:11 pm
To: Artemis
You have killed Freddy Kruger. That is a fact now. But irrelevant to the fact that I am still coming to murder you. I am the person that sent you the voice mail, I just happen to like that song/poem. I am a knew fictional murderer, one that shall not be stopped. I am not the grim reaper, nor am I the devil. I am more. I am death, plain and simple. I am a black spirit that has no form, I follow no schedule, I do not not kill people when it is their time. I kill when it pleases me, (it always pleases me). I can not be killed, like I said, I am a spirit with no form. The only reason I can write this is because I killed a young girl and stole her body. I am coming to get you, but I think I’ll torture you first. You both know you’re daughters, Aphrodite, Amphitrite, Artemis, and Athena. I have already done away with Athena and Artemis, I shall now go after Amphitrite and Aphrodite. Then your son, Evanal. Then you shall die, a slow and painful death, when you are spending your last few minutes writhing in pain, I shall kill your wife, right in front of your eyes. You shall die knowing you could not save your family.
Toodleloo!
Death
P.S. I killed Root, the bomb actually malfunctioned at the last second, he was going to live. But I made it explode so that I could watch him die. Ha Ha!
October 1st, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Dear Other-Artemis,
Perhaps it is time we put aside our petty differences (if we really have any; I mean we’re technically the same person) and form an alliance against this “Death” creature as I write this, I am heading over the Ghostbuster’s headquarters to see what they can do.
—good luck, Artemis Fowl II of the 48930 world (or, at least, that’s what I’m calling it)
October 5th, 2008 at 3:18 am
To Other-Artemis,
you know where 1664 Owen Rd is? That’s the Ireland base for the Ghostbusters. For now, they recommend that we carry plutonium around with, specifically IV oxidized plutonium in the pu state. MEET ME THERE OR THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE DRASTIC!
—You better know who I am!
P.S. This letter will explode in 5 seconds.
October 12th, 2008 at 2:42 am
To Myself:
Quite understandable about the “Gir” thing; I myself just had my account hijacked by Opal Koboi above all: DO NOT BRING PLUTONIUM OVER HERE! Sorry, but she’s loose (again) and you know how that goes.
—yourself
P.S. Also have you heard of a group called TERROR? They’re hounding me and Holly (who I’ve started dating).
October 12th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Sorry to bug you AF Rules I know your busy and all
you never put in my letter to Foaly, the one where I say he’s really cool
October 15th, 2008 at 12:58 am
To Artemis Fowl II
About the computer hijacking, I think someone let a smuggler’s virus into your system. Have you told anyone your password to your system? (Mine is CENTAUR.) Holly over here says ‘hello’ too, oh, just out of curiosity, have you been seeing any, uh, creatures? Slightly smaller than the average fairy completely blue like an alien? Seem to sort of…suck your life force out? Anywho, goodbye for now.
–AFII
the Future
October 20th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Dear Artemis Fowl,
We have some questions for you. We have linked you to the case we are currently solving, the troll of Marest Park. We wish to meet with you at Marest Park tomorrow at noon.
From,
Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and (in place of a signature here there is a paw print)
October 21st, 2008 at 2:01 am
Dear Artemis Fowl,
We were not accusing you of doing anything illegal. We thought you might have some information on the case though. There was a troll spotted in the park. The damage it caused was very similar to the damage reported in your house when you were twelve. Over the years there have been other less violent (though just as odd) sighting at that park. Such as a female centaur carrying pies toward the direction of you manor one month ago. And an auburn haired, short person was seen flying that way too, two years ago. There have been many others and they all seem to center around you. So if you will meet us at that park and answer all of our questions truthfully then you may examine our dog.
From,
your friends at Mystery Inc.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:14 am
Dear Artemis Fowl II
Okay, I happen to know you received a message Mystery Inc. and you gave in your reply that they could read the Artemis Fowl series for any info on you. That is 100% true. My question to you is: how do you know of that? How do YOU know that there is a series by Irish author Eoin Colfer that is all about YOU and your adventures with the fairy people?!?!?!?
—’Jazzy’ John Romita
Post Script: Say hello to Holly and the other fairy people for me? Thank you.
Post-Post Script My real name is not John Romita; I don’t want to be hunted down and killed or something.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:13 am
Dear Artemis Fowl the Second
How dare you refer to me by my surname! I am now highly offended and when I get highly offended, I call my lawyer. And how have I been meddling? I merely write you a letter, ask a question and BAM! I get shot for my inquisitive mind. That is messed up.
—Jonny Ring-a-ding Romita
[A DIFFERENT LETTER TO A DIFFERENT CHARACTER]
Dear Artemis Fowl the First,
Hello, I am 100% sure that you haven’t the faintest clue who I am. And you wouldn’t. I am simply writing to ask if you are aware that your son, Artemis Fowl II has been running around for nearly five or eight years (depending on how you look at it) with fairies. No, I am not crazy, merely a well-read person. Ask him tonight about what I have told you. Take notice that his wife, Holly Short, has pointed ears, is exactly three feet high is very knowledgeable for someone who looks about Artemis’s age. Mention such names as Mulch Diggums, Opal Koboi, Julius Root, Foaly, the centaur. Also ask your wife; she recently found out after her ‘illness’ which was the result of a time Paradox.
—John Romita
October 25th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Dear Holly,
Hello, I have sent a few letters to Artemis Fowl II and I. But, I have a feeling that a conspiracy theory is going on, for I have not yet gotten an answer from either of them. Attached are the letters I originally sent.
—Do you really care what my name is?
P.S. Have noticed that Artemis is kinda going psycho? I mean he’s just randomly killing people and sending off threats to the most harmless people. Do you have something to do with that?
October 25th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
*knock knock* The door on Fowl Manor is being knocked on until someone comes to answer it. The person? John Romita. Why is he there? To verbally give his message to Artemis. Romita will stay there until Fowl answers. He also has all of Superman’s powers and none of his weaknesses so find a loophole in that!
—your insurance policy
October 26th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Dear Artemouse Fool (did I spell that right?)
I must say I haven’t the faintest clue who this ’son’ you’re talking about is. Indulge me with this story of yours. Or stay at least a ten-thousand miles from me as the attached restraining order says, a thousand feet. Again, who is this son and why are you telling me this?
Signed, (an illegible scrawl follows.)
Joan Romita
October 27th, 2008 at 2:43 am
Yo, Fowl!
Whaddya mean I wiped the wrong person?!?!??! You had the stuff! By-the-by, I’m making pies you want some?
—Foaly
October 27th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
HOLY SHMIDT!!!! There are, like, fifty chapters!!!!!!
October 27th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
57 I imagine if AF rules was here, he’d have this smug look and “No, there’s 57!”
That’s what I thought at first too, but the chapters are really short.
October 27th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
theres 57.
October 27th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Oh yeah, AF rules, I would like to congratulate you making to #10 the top ten most commented stories. Consider yourself no-prized.
A man is dead on a table surrounded by 53 Bicycles. How did he die?
October 27th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Artems,
GAH!
—wearing a bullet proof vest, Foaly
October 28th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Dear Holly,
Hey pretty lady, do you wanna go on a date?
Love,
Johnny Bravo
October 28th, 2008 at 2:15 am
Whomever is possessing Artemis ‘Gangsta’ Fowl,
I’d have to say it was more scary than bad, but yeah bad. I had something to say eariler, but I forgot, if I remember, I’ll tell you.
—seriously, I’m not taking my bullet proof vest off, Foaly
P.S. Holly, can you check if Artemis still has my computer files?
October 29th, 2008 at 1:02 am
YES!!!! Come over Tuesday and I’ll get you those pies.
—Foaly, finally taking the bullet proof vest off
October 29th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Dear whomever reads this,
Eh, I think I went to the wrong site, but can someone tell me whats going on here? Isn’t Artemis Fowl a fake character that that Irish guy made up?
—dazed and confused, Robert Plant
October 31st, 2008 at 3:42 am
Dear Artemis Fowl II,
Hello, I am sure there is not a person out there who has not heard of the names, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. Well, they heard about your adventures with these fairy people, and they’re making a movie of them. I was writing to ask you if we could meet so we can discuss how your theme music should go.
—Best regards, John Williams, composer of Indiana Jones, Jaws, Star Wars, and many others.
November 1st, 2008 at 3:13 am
Dear Artemis…. Smoof
~Norm
November 1st, 2008 at 4:33 am
That’s from Fairly odd parents?
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 am
*100th comment party, inviting everyone here for the super bask*
Hiya Artemis!!!
DUDE! Did you, like, just blow up that geaniy dude from, like, that one real trippy poofy show thingy? SWEET. Did you ever kill that one Jason dude?
—Cody (Step-by-step; that one show you know!)
Congrats on making #9, I think, on most commented.
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Yes, but I couldn’t think of anything randomer at the time.
sorry Oh and I thought I told you. I’M A GIRL!!!!!!1
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:09 am
er????????????????????????????????????????Artymon confused. Artymon head hurt. Artymon head blow up in ewwwwy gooey. Artymon put gun my head 2 write thihretkuit5xd5rt678—eh–just uh kidding! Yeah yeah.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:47 am
What the?….?
November 6th, 2008 at 4:32 am
That’s bad when I forget what I wrote.
Artymon, YOU’RE CRAZY!!!!
Artymon: *grins evilly* I know!
Me: Well, I guess I gotta write a new letter; AF rules hasn’t updated in a while.
Dear Butler,
How are you? I don’t think anyone’s ever written a lot of letters to you. No gives you the credit you deserve. It’s always “Holly this…” or “Artemis that…” You are the unsung hero of most of the books, and you should get some recognition.
—a semi-delusional writer, Artymon
P.S. Ummm this in kinda personal, but Minerva and Artemis don’t match, correct? It’s like water and electricity; they don’t go. But, you’ve been in contact with ol’ Minnie the most. Would you say you like her?
November 7th, 2008 at 2:48 am
I know this is slightly random, but can anyone explain WHY I only get to see the first 18 comments on send in the mail?
November 7th, 2008 at 2:50 am
It’s something with Internet Explorer. We don’t have aclue what it is. If you have Mozilla however, you can see them. Do you want me to send them over? Sorry, AF Rules for the randomness.
And, ARTYMON GOES 2 CANADA!!!!!!!!!
November 7th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Hey, Artemis, I know that, you and Holly, kissed… It’s no secret. And I’m gonna tell everybody!!! Muahahahah! And by the way, Holly hates you, and wants to kill you, and Holly is so in love with Trouble Kelp!!!!!!
P.S. How did Foaly know Jay-jay’s nme, you never told him.
Your Evil Fan,
Sweetpretty1
November 8th, 2008 at 3:39 am
Canada!? What the??!!!! Are you seriously stalking me??!!!!!
November 8th, 2008 at 9:02 am
*Evil grin spreads across face* Yes….
Muwhahahahahahaahaha! I know what you did. I know where you went! No, I am not stalking you; it’d be my luck you find out and beat me up.
Artemis Fowl II,
I am the Brain. I have been attempting to take over the world every night since I was created. Would you like to help?
—The Brain
P.S. NARF!! Sorry, that was Pinky.
November 8th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Mr. Fowl,
I do not wish to make the world a dictatorship, I merely wish to improve it. And I take it, that you do not like to help. I can get my funding through other ways. And, I doubt you will be able to find me and Pinky; you don’t even know what I am. So, stay back, human, you don’t know what you’re dealing with.
—The Brain
November 9th, 2008 at 4:36 am
Fowl,
If you know who I am and know of my plots, then you must know of Operation “Brainwashed” where Precious tried to take over the world with the Schmeerskahoven. I have reworked her psychedelic song to take over the world!
—The Brain
[The new Schmeerskahoven starts to play.]
November 9th, 2008 at 4:39 am
It takes me five hours to finish reading your story, and five more hours to scroll down the comment list. Awesome! Five stars!
November 9th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Dear Artemis,
Off on another wild crazy adventure to save the world, eh? I am a random guy who likes to jump in and valiantly sacrifice himself. If you need me, TELL ME!
—the village idiot
November 10th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Artemis Fowl Two, not one, but two,
Hello, I’m Steven Spielberg and we need to meet to discuss your movie. And if you happen upon two mice, please don’t kill them! They’ve escaped from this other movie I’m working on.
—Steven Spielberg
AF Rules, Congrats on making #10 for “most read!”
November 11th, 2008 at 12:33 am
Dear Artemis Fowl,
My precious little angel,angelica, has just learned how to write. She wants to write a letter to you!
Dear foul person,
I hate dum babys. they r so stupid. i have a cusin named tomy. do u have cusins. i want to meet u becuse i herd that u r rich. so rich that u hav a hole 2$!
by 4 now!
futur queen uv the world,
angelica
November 11th, 2008 at 5:45 am
Fowl, Artemis Fowl
I am on an assignment from Britain. It involves finding a man named Spiro, he’s broken out of the Chicago Prison. He is rumored to have stolen the codes to some of Russia’s nuclear bombs. We have reason to believe that he wishes to launch them in Ireland to get even with you. The MI6 don’t want that to happen; we don’t want to be caught in another World War, as the Russians blamed us for the theft. Tell me where we can meet for further discussion.
—Bond, James Bond 007
November 12th, 2008 at 2:23 am
HEY! I just noticed! On comment 89 it seems different from what I originally wrote!
November 14th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Dear Artemis Fowl Senior,
Hi. What would you do if I told you your life was a book?
[Letter blasts Artemis Fowl I into the real world.]
November 14th, 2008 at 4:12 am
Dear Artemis Fowl II,
Guten Tag! I am Hitler! I am back! I am going to invade Ireland! Stop me if you can! Also, I have kidnapped your pointy eared wife!
Hi Hitler!
—Adolf Hitler
November 14th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Mr. Fowl
All I can say, is that, hollyandtroublearehavinganaffairrightnowincommandertrouble’soffice.
Ok… Random, but true! Translated version:
Holly and Trouble are having an affair right now in Commander Trouble’s office.
True, I saw it in the surveillance camera, Foaly’s watching them right now.
~Sweetpretty1
November 15th, 2008 at 3:23 am
Artemis Fowl,
I have sent my best hit squad to kill this Minerva! And, I still wear gas masks! I was going to invade Poland, but now, I invade Ireland and flatten out your house! And, I AM DEATH! DEATH is imminent for your wife, Holly Short, if you persist with this foul behavior.
I am now offering you a chose, get me the nuclear codes Spiro stole, or I capture you, torture your wife infront of you, kill her, then torture and kill you!
—Der Führer
[Letter combusted in a cloud of mustard gas, which was a poison gas used in World War One.]
November 15th, 2008 at 3:26 am
Dear Opal Koboi,
I agree with AF rules, YOU’RE INSANE WOMAN!!! Your plots and plans get more pathetic as you go! You’re just a biter old woman with a grudge over some stupid contest thing! You can only do one more thing: DIE!!!!!!!!!!
[Letter explodes with nuclear force.]
—Artymon
November 15th, 2008 at 3:45 am
Dear Minerva…
…………………..I have nothing much to say.
Minerve:Well, that was okay!
*Letter electrocutes her and her hair catches on fire*
Me:
~Pandora
November 16th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Oh no! After nearly, like, 70 chapters, we now have a plot! I can’t believe it!
Oh well.
*Artymon bangs head against wall, thinking*
Artemis Fowl,
So you are refusing to help me in my conquest of world domination? So be it! My Nazi war veterans from WWII are coming to get you as I write this! I am now going to plan “Conviction.” You will now be forced to watch your wife suffer from your stupidity and die a very painful death.
—Adolf Hitler
[Door to wherever Artemis is, bangs open. A bunch of really old guys come in and try to abduct Artemis. They nearly succeed; Artemis is after all, not physically fit. The doors burst open, and James Bond bursts in, kills the evil Nazi henchmen.]
Opal,
Mistress, I have sent my most trusted men after the Fowl boy, I am now traveling to America to commandeer the nuclear codes in Jon Spiro’s possession.
—Hitler clone #109
November 17th, 2008 at 2:50 am
That one too pointless? Should I re-write it?
November 17th, 2008 at 2:56 am
Dear Mister Artemis Fowl the II,
I have some question for you Mr. Fowl, I have known that you have been in love with Holly Short for quite sometimes… but have you ever thought of Holly suffer when you die because her lifespan is much longer than those of a human? Do you think that another person of your age might beat you in your own games? When are you going to get married? If so please invite me to the wedding or I’ll crash it and it’s not going to be pretty (I suggest you to read Frankenstein if you want to protect your beloved wife). And last question. I love you, I’ll still be happy if your are happy.
Sincerely,
NightShade
P.S. Do not dare to track me down Arty. I’ll escape no matter what
November 17th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
lol,my sides hurt
my heads spinnin
goin dumb
though my girlfriend allready thinks i’m a wierdo
seriously i need 2 stop playin kill the teletabbies until 4 in da f********* mornin
lol
November 17th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Artemis Fowl,
I’m coming for you, Fowl. I am goin’ nuke your whole d@mn country and take you out!
—Jon Spiro I am the boss, so reply quick.
November 18th, 2008 at 5:07 am
We have a plot. That’s totally weird. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA!! This went from a random letter thingy, to some plot where Jon Spiro breaks out of jail, somehow steals nuclear bomb codes, and now Opal made some sort of Hitler clone, sent him to play psychological mind games with Artemis, and now, Bond, James Bond.
Moving on…
Adolf Hitler,
WOW!! Oh my gosh!! It’s, like, a total HONOR to write to you!! You’re my idol man! Do you want any help with anything??? Please!!! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!!!
—Jon Spiro I am the boss, so reply quick.
Koboi, Opal Koboi,
Artemis Fowl has just told me everything he knows about the current nuclear bomb situation and he tells me you, some demented midget is the mastermind of the whole plot. (They get weirder as I go…)
Now, I am heading to your secret headquarters and I will have an explosive battle with you and your army of Hitler clones that will result in you falling in a nuclear reactor.
[There are simply two cigarette burns on the paper next to a gun shape to symbolize “007″]
Artemis,
My offer as suicidal rescuer guy still remains.
—State idiot (I got promoted)
November 19th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Spiro,
I have killed Hitler, he and his boss, Koboi are at the bottom of a nuclear reactor, just like I planned. I am now coming for you. This is your one chance to give it up. Give up the nuclear codes, or I will kill you too.
—Bond, James Bond
P.S. Get me a Martina, shaken, not stirred. God help you if it’s stirred!
P.P.S.
5
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4
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3
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2
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1
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BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
November 19th, 2008 at 4:14 am
kreeps up from behind Artymon…
~
~
~
~
SMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 19th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Artymon1 lays dead on ground Miasaki laugh evilly. Finally! They were free from that psycho.
Someone tapped on her shoulder.
She turned around to see none other than…ARTYMON!
“GREGTEG!” Miasaki screamed, muttering incoherently.
“It’s just me,” Artymob said.
“No,” Miasaki said. “It can’t be; I just killed you!”
Artymon looked at the other corpse and said. “Oh, I know you did just kill me, but I’m back. I’m back from the dead.”
Miasaki looked towards the Heavens. “Great Scot.” She said simply, before fainting.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:33 am
Great scot? I think i would say “holy crap” in that scene
November 19th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Well, I infringed that from Back to the Future part II and III. Sue me.
And, yes, I am now off Pinky and the Brain (world cheers) but I am now moving on to BTTF…
November 19th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
I have noticed that the last few comments are spam. I will not delete them, but if I find any more they will be deleted.
-AF Rules
I’m serious. No more spam. Read the rules people!
November 20th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Invader Zim,
I know nothing of you! But you are now my target! You and those lab rats!
—James Bond
The “Brain,”
You are an enemy according to an “Invader Zim” Tell him I have blown up his Irken homeworld. And his Almighty Tallest are all DEAD!
I have captured your associate, “Pinky.” I have a hostage, and I beat you once before without one, so surrender!
—James Bond
Holly,
Everything proceeds according to the Plan. Artemis was almost captured by our Nazi-bots, but a James Bond fellow stopped them. I think we may need to bump the Plan up a step faster than we thought. Zim and Brain are teamed up, Koboi and Hitler 109 got killed. We either need to make new clones or Send Artemis the notes from your’s and his kids. The ones he doesn’t know about.
—Agent $#3!!
November 21st, 2008 at 6:22 am
Righty, thinking………
Zim,
I have you Almighty Tallest as my hostages. Surrender, or die. The Brain has betrayed you, he is at this moment stealing your spaceship. I have teamed up with the greatest minds of our century, Dib, Artemis Fowl II, Artemis Fowl III, and Doctor Emmett Brown you shall never succeed in your quest for world domination.
—James Bond
P.S. I thought you should know, you Almighty Tallest leaders demand you stop your invasion.
Magnum, P.I.,
I regret having to go so low as to hiring a private investigator, but in desperate times…
I have been getting threatening leters from various people, some fictional, some crazy, others clones. I would like you to A) Track down my wife and B) Find out where the source of this madness originates and stop it!
—Artemis Fowl the Second
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Dear Trouble Kelp(yes,I’m writing to Trouble Kelp,not the person on this fansite or myself,the dude from the books),
I have decided to break the storyline.And nobody even writes to him.So I think that Holly should divorece Artemis and marry Trouble.People,please don’t freak out and try to kill me.I will set 6 and a Half on you.6 and a Half is worse than The Village Idoit for those of you who don’t know.Also,your story has too much of a storyline,A F Rules!At this point I’m not even willing to clap for you.Other than that,good luck with your war and Trouble better propoase to Holly soon!
-TroubleKelp704
November 23rd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
TroubleKelp704 was that even a letter to Trouble. It was more like a letter to me that was ranting about the story.
I know that some people don’t like it that this has gained a story line, but thats the rules.
Keep on sending those letters.
Also, Why wont anybody bow to me?
November 25th, 2008 at 12:46 am
FINE! *Artymon bows to the supposedly awesome AF rules*
I am having teoulbe keeping up new ideas. Got one!
Lost it.
It’ll come back…
Dear Pennywise, (that demented clown from Stephen King’s It)
What’s up man? You ROCK! You hear me? ROOOOOOOCK!!! Our plan is working perfectly, soon you shall have all the kids you want for yur eating pleasure. The Turtle cannot stop us now, even if he wanted to. I say we stop all this tomfoolery and abduct Fowl now.
—Artemis Fowl II of the 48930 universe
November 26th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Fine.I clapped for you.How’s this for a letter?
Dear Artemis,
I hope you win the war that is happening with Zim and all those other evil people.At the moment-
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!I am 6 and a Half and I have taken over this letter!I am going to be in the war too!Mwhahahah!I am going to beat you all and rule the world!Then send Artemis Fowl II to a dark,damp and smelly place.(Possibaly the same place that I was forced to live in exile after I hacked into TroubleKelp704s account.)So,in conclusion,be prepared to DIE!(Or live somewhere dark,damp and smelly.I suggest you pack a toothbrush.)Tahnks you and I will see you at the battlefield.If you make it there.
-The New Ruler of the World
Okay,is that good?It has to do with the war and whatnot so will it work?
November 26th, 2008 at 2:48 am
YAY! I got bowed to and clapped for! Sorry if I’m annoying you.
TK704 sorry about your other letter, but you weren’t even talking to Trouble. You we talking to me. Also, You people can make comments that aren’t letters! (As long as it isn’t spam)
November 26th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Dear Person Who is Going to Die Very Soon,
I WILL be votorious at the battle!As you read this right now a pudding on a stick is hurtling through space and time and is going to destory you!!!MWHAHAHA!You won’t even make it to the battlefield.Oh yeah,at the moment,TroubleKelp704 is bowing to you.And yelling something about you being the ‘only hope!’. Oh yeah,SHE also says thanks for the compliment.Now I must go.My favorite T.V. show is on,Pretty Pink Ponies.
-6 and a Half,the person who is going to beat Artemis Fowl
November 27th, 2008 at 5:04 am
Briar Cudegeon,
Okay, I got those nuclear codes from Spiro, when should we meet to “deliver the lottery numbers”? My world domination schemes are mapped out for this week, so Monday?
If yes, tell your waiter, “I’ll have an EXTRA happy meal.”
If no, go into the nearest bathroom enter the third stall, and hit the flush key trice times. Take caution of it flooding, though.
—The Brain
November 27th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Dear The Brain,
That is so Animorphs.We all know that I am going to win the war and you,Jon Spiro,Artemis Fowl the Second or anybody else has no chance.Thatnks.Now I’m going to go eat turkey.
-6 and a Half
November 28th, 2008 at 3:59 am
Dear The Brain,
My name is Jake.
I am going to send my cousin on a suicide mission.
Good day.
—Jake, infamous unofficial official leader of the Animorphs OR Jake the Yeerk killer
P.S. Can we meet you?
November 28th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Dear People Who Think I’m a Moron,
You guys need to be more creative.Honestly,there are other words you can use.For example,you could say,’Artemis Fowl the II is a dodo bird and an idoit.’ I mean,that staement is compeatly true and very creative.Still,I have pudding and pumpkin pie (with whipped cream) on my side,so you are going DOWN!!
-6 and a Half,Who is NOT a Moron
December 1st, 2008 at 12:41 am
To everyone that has ever gotten a letter on this thingy,
I have launched all the world’s nuclear bombs. I am sick and tired of not being taken serious. I am safely in the only bomb shelter in the world. I am the only human that will be safe from the Holocaust that will follow. I now say, guten tag.
—the only one crazy enough to do this
December 1st, 2008 at 1:43 am
Dear Arty,
I have taken the liberty of disabling all those nuclear bombs. That is all.
~Pandora.
wrtdt
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 am
Bond,
That sound you here is the sound of nuclear bombs launching in the air. They will destroy the entire world. No one will be safe. I will be the sole survivor. There is no way you can ever stop them. Not even Pandora could. That is all.
—the same guy as last time