Julius Root’s Guide to Dating

Summary: The real question is, how does Julius Root know enough about dating to write a dating guide?! Find out in a whole new mini episode where everyone's favourite commander gets in hot water!

Chapters: 1 2 3 4

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A/N: ANNOUNCING! Upon it being requested, I added a sort of (new) mini-adventure starting in Ch.3 that will make you never want to eat fish again.

OFFICIAL REPORT TO THE COUNCIL: DATING IN THE LEP by Commander Julius Root
     Ever since Lili Frond became involved in the LEP, the issue of police dating has been one of the Council’s (and my) chief annoyances. With two females currently holding rank (Commander Raine Vinyaya and Captain Holly Short) this is something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Therefore I have compiled this report to hopefully shed some light on the situation.

MY RULES FOR DATING:

1. Don’t do it.
 

2. Don’t do it.
 

3. Don’t do it.
 

4. If you lack the objectivity to follow these three guidelines, my advice is to only date outside the LEP.
 

5. If you already have your eye on a fellow police officer, proceed, but with two exceptions: don’t date Commander Vinyaya or Captain Short. I will fire you.
 

6. Why not Commander Vinyaya? She’s too busy (i.e. her affections are already *cough* under review).
 

7. Why not Captain Short?  She’s also too busy (i.e. any of you idiotic young louts try anything – ahem, I mean jeopardize her career – I’ll personally beat your heads in).
 

8. If you want to date Corporal Lili Frond, your standards are waaaay too low and I should consider demoting you.
 

9. If you’re a male and the police officer you want to date is not one of these females, then I have no advice for you.
 

10. My advice to female officers, present and future, is: don’t date anyone in the LEP. Trust me, the uniforms look good on us but we’re all a bunch of idiots. Well, most of us are. There might be two or three who aren’t morons. Maybe one or two. Maybe just one.
 

11. If you insist on dating, DON’T MARRY.
 

12. If you insist on marrying, DON’T HAVE KIDS.
 

13. If you insist on having kids, ENROLL THEM IN THE ACADEMY. (Hopefully you have lots of male kids.)
 

14. If you take one of the two female officers on a date, here’s a bit of advice: don’t take them to see gnome wrestling. Trust me on this. LEP females may be rough and rowdy, but that’s because on the job they’re not in Romantic Mode. Males do not distinguish. Females do.

15. To the female officers: if you date someone, be sure to at least bring a buzz baton along to keep them in line. Maybe a Neutrino, depending on their reputation. Possibly have Foaly plant tracking devices on everybody. Keep a line open to a Retrieval squad in case you need help dumping a truculent date.

16. Don’t date cross-species. It’s more trouble than it’s worth. This is good if you’re an elf. If you’re not, your life sucks anyway, so you should be used to it.

     I thought it might also be helpful to give my personal opinion on dating as a seasoned officer. After all, I certainly have enough experience to speak with authority on this matter.
 

MY PERSONAL OPINION OF DATING:

1. Dating stinks. Trust me. It’s a gargantuan waste of time.
 

2. Dating detracts from your focus. Focus is everything. You didn’t join the LEP to meet females, seeing as it’s extremely unlikely that you will meet any at all. If you’re a sprite, you live to meet females, so this theory doesn’t apply.
 

3. Dating drains your energy for the job. An appropriate use of your free time is to put in extra hours on a simulator, read up on weapon manuals, do weight training, spend quality time thinking negative thoughts about your least favourite criminals, or cancel your request for a pay increase. All these things make an ideal officer. Dating does not.
 

4. Last of all, just remember: dating is for sops, not cops. I’m a crack LEPrecon and I have absolutely no room in my brain for sentimentalism, as my brain can hold one thing at a time and one thing only. I highly recommend this state for everybody.
 

My summary of this report, therefore, is this: If you want to climb the police ladder, don’t date.

Chapters: 1 2 3 4

Comments on This Post

21 responses to “Julius Root’s Guide to Dating.” Join in!

  1. Hahahahaha. 🙂 That’s really good. But maybe space between each number??
    1st COMMENT DANCE!!!!

  2. Thanks for commenting! I tried to space, in other places too, but it won’t let me. I know, it looks pretty cramped. Oh well. I hate formatting stories on this site.

  3. This was a brilliant idea. It’s very humorous and cleverly done. Now if only I could write something this good…*momentarily depressed and goes of to draw fried eggs in dirt* ahh well. I’m still a newbie so that dream is far off. *dramatic music* well anyway, good job. I also apologize if this comment has poor grammar like my storie >.

  4. *Laughs verrrry hard and falls off chair* Good one, EHNA! I can see how much Root feels about this topic(heh heh 😆 )It is a little cramped, but “if ya can’t fix it, make it someone else’s problem”. See? Always blame it on someone else!(In this case, the computer, cuz it was its fault all along!)This doesn’t really need an update. It looks pretty completed to me. :mrgreen: 🙂

  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAHAA

    Rin, story is spelled as so. Just had to point that out. (I used a sentence fragment. Irony.)

    HAHAHAHA! 11, 12, and 13 were especially!

    HA

    For a second, I thought it was by Silent Comedy! AHAHAH
    =
    Yeah. That’s it.

  6. HAHAHAHA! That was absolutely and without a doubt the funniest story on the archive! I applaud you. *applauds E.N.HA*

  7. There are too many “HAHAHA”‘S. So I shall “lol”.

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! 😉

    Yeah, it does look really cramped but I think I can live with it. The humor is amazing in this story and I can totally see Root thinking this! Great job!

  8. Hey, applause! *takes bows* Thank you, thank you.
    *looks at Rin’s drawing of fried eggs* Boy, I wish I could draw like that. 😀 Thanks!

    I don’t know, this probably is finished. Unless I did something similar with other characters…nieh. Idk. Probably more productive things I could do. Then again, I’m on Fangathering, right? 😉

  9. Luvvvvvv it dahzling It twas AMAAAAAZZZZIIING That was freaking hilarious. I laughed like crazy

  10. Root is that one who isn’t a moron,I’m guessing :P, also I believe Root would have to write this because of (SPOILER ALERT for those who haven’t read the 7th Book) Kelp and Short dating.

    I love this one especially because its so funny, it brought a highpoint to me bum out day 😀

  11. I love the 2nd chapter. 🙂 Root was really IC.

  12. Thanks guys! I’m glad it cheered you up, Mr. Butler. NOW this is probably finished. 😉 So just enjoy it, peeps.

    Btw, I freaked out on an announcement (thanks, HF) because my stuff was disappearing. Story in question is now back up and appearing in two parts. Yay!

  13. I CRACKED UP AT THE SECOND CHAPTER! AMAZING!!! I didn’t know you continued it! It was certainly a nice addition. Great job! You have a great sense of humour!

  14. Daniella Thompson December 26th, 2010 at 11:30 pm 14

    This is awesome. LOLOL HAHAHA and in the spirit of Christmas HO-HOHO-HOHOHO-HOHO-HO. 11,12,and 13 were funny, but my favorite was #16. I laugh so hard, I thought I was going to pee in my pants.;)

  15. ArtemisFowlfan96 December 27th, 2010 at 12:05 am 15

    HILARIOUS!!! I don’t think I’ve ever read a fanfic that was so funny and IC! Awesome job!!! I loved it! Could you please write another chapter??? Pretty pwease?

  16. Oh my, another chapter? 😀 Certainly I will try to write another, as I have so much fun writing this fic.
    Thanks so much everybody! And MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!

  17. OMG, this had tears in my eyes. This is so darned funny… And [waves hand like a jedi] * You will update as soon as possible *

  18. HAHAHAHA

    You should do one with Holly and Trouble Kelp… but they shouldn’t get arresetd.
    Oh… wait, I’m working on one.
    *Smiles Mysteriously*
    I laughed at the rules, and almost stopped breathing when I was readiing the story.

  19. The last chapter was the funniest yet! Pure genius, ENHA, PURE GENIUS. I loved it!

    “My name is Lips. I come in peace.”

    You’re definitely cut out for comedy. I am so glad you continued this!

  20. Thank you all so much! 😀
    Holly Kelp: I assume you mean that you DO NOT want me to try something with Holly/Trouble – it sounds like you have an idea yourself, and that’s great! Of course, I might find it too hard to resist… 😉
    WE: My brain does strange things every now and then. That would be what you’re referring to as ‘genius’. 😆 These are really encouraging comments, seriously; trying humour is a nervy thing. Btw, you mentioned Silent Comedy before. That is one HILARIOUS but absent person.

    I keep declaring this finished. I’m not even going to bother. All I’ll say is: my brain has just blown a fuse.

  21. I love your story. It’s hilarious and it is absolutely something I would trust Root to say. I have laughed soo hard – even now, four years after I read it the first time, I still laugh as hard as I did the first time. Honestly, this is soo funny 😀 thank you for sharing this. In my opinion you could ship everyone as long as it is funny (but please don’t ship Root and Vinyáya elsewhere :D)

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