This was inspired after I randomly decided to write something on my (only) other story, Watcha’ Talkin’ ‘Bout? I love anything funny and I love Artemis Fowl.
However, if there’s one thing I think could be improved of the site, it’s the updating system. When a story gets old here, it slips away to the back of the site and fails to get views! I think they ought to make something on the main page such as a ‘recently updated stories’ category.
Anyways, I’d like to thank anyone who welcomed me. With the welcomes came a marshmallow from ElfGoddess, a marshmallow from artyrox, a muffin from star7 and an ‘UPDATE OR FEAR MY WRATH’ note from Hermione Fowl (which I will treasure always).
Anyways, this comedy is about different food formulas (or formulae, by Arty’s standards) the characters in Artemis Fowl are bound to come up with sooner or later!
The following is an extract from the end of chapter 3 of ‘Watcha’ Talkin’ ‘Bout’…
Fowl Recipes ONE – Artemis’s Cake of Victory
1. Prepare a dish (a satelite dish).
2. Order Butler to scare the onions so they do the crying for you.
3. Melt the butter. Make it slow and painful.
4. Order Holly to mesmerise the cows so they produce milk quicker.
5. Order Mulch to tell one of his jokes so the eggs will crack up.
6. Convince Julius Root to march the cream. If it doesn’t work, whip the cream.
7. Mix it all together. Double check to make sure the grease foil is not the paper you drew your newest prototype on.
8. Put it in the oven.
9. Wait two months. If your oven runs illegal neuclear energy, deduct 30 days from your wait time, and 30 years from your freedom.
10. Make sure the bomb you put in the oven in step 8 has exploded (and has thus annihilated all the germs).
11. Put the cake in the oven. OPTIONAL: Tell it that it is going to be cooked slowly and painfully. Explain in detail for bonus flavor.
12. Invite all your friends.
13. Kidnap and ransom them.
14. Celebrate your victory. Take the cake out of the oven.
‘Short’ Recipes by Holly ONE – Frustrated Mixture
Note: Only prepare this dish when feeling frustrated. No exceptions.
1. Put up a poster of someone you hate.
2. Blast poster with Neutrino until crisp. Make sure the person’s face is horribly screwed up for bonus points.
3. Pound burnt poster with bare fists until only a fine dust is left.
4. Collect the dust with the guts of a chicken.
5. Stuff it back into the chicken.
6. Slip the stuffed chicken into the mailbox of your annoying neighbour.
7. Sit down on sofa with a bowl of popcorn.
8. Wait for the screaming to begin.
9. Eat popcorn slowly.
Root of the Taste ONE – Julius’s Caesar Salad
1. Telephone your local vegetable company.
2. Order 1kg of each of the following: carrots, lettuce, cabbage, tomato, potato.
3. Warn the company that if it is not delivered within 5 minutes you will issue a warrant of arrest.
4. Deliver corporal punishment to a random officer to pass the time.
5. When the vegetables arrive and after you pay, give the delivery elf a ridiculously low tip and slam the door in his face.
6. Tell the vegetables that you’re about to chop them to bits. Leave the room so they can sweat it out.
7. Prepare the sauce. Do this by crushing garlic with the butt of your pistol, and then sprinkling it over the sauce you bought (buy the sauce by repeating steps 1-5, but calling the bottled sauce company instead).
8. Once the vegetables have sweated it out, chop them into bits (use a medieval sword for bonus effect). Any ‘bad’ veggies can be wrapped up into a small parcel and kept for later.
9. Pour the vegetables into a bowl. Add sauce. Attempt to beat the cook’s record of 5.36 seconds. If you can’t, order your pony boy to hack into the database and change the whole damn record.
10. Force your troops to eat the salad. Anyone who doesn’t obey must be whacked with the parcel of ‘bad’ veggies.