Blood Rose
Written on May 5th, 2008 by shadow priceStory Details
- Category: General
- Author: shadow price
- Word Count: 441
- Read 192 times
- Skip to chapter: 1, 2,
(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5)
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Chapter Two:
“It says Blood Rose. Do you think it is the name of who ever is in it or just a nickname?” Artemis asked, looking at the words curiously.
Skip to chapter: 1, 2,
May 5th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Firstly, capitalize the “I”s. Secondly, there’s a lot of run on sentences, thirdly, the word choice is exceedingly plain. Fourthly, the charachters are a little OOC.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
and fithly i liked it so poop to all the things with grammer and speling
well not really ! it was intruging and as star pointed out you could try and spice it up a little ….. with words i mean the story line is fine
May 5th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Umm. . . I might understand if you mixed your grammar.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:55 am
See? lbutler, grammer is important to good writing. Good ideas isn’t everything to good writing. In fact, in the middle of the first chapter, I was bored and irritated out of my mind at the lack in excitement, the OOCness of the charachters, and the awkward phrasing. Lemme guess. Vampires come and try to take over the world while our heroes try to stop them. Wheee…*sigh* I’m sorry, but maybe I just don’t like the quality of your writing…
And must this story be so plainly obvious about everything? “It says Blood Rose. Do you think it’s a name?” I mean, Artemis can’t honestly think Foaly was so stupid that he had to point it out! And Holly wouldn’t have cared about Artemis’s family time if the whole fairy race might be at risk! And is it in Artemis’s personality to just say Merry Christmas HAPPILY when there could be an emergency? And why would the LEP need Artemis to come just to see a piece of writing? Couldn’t they identify it themselves?
BlackOpal here- I just merged your comments. Please try not to double post.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:34 am
One, sorry about the grammer. Two no the vampires arn’t going to try to take over th world. Three, that isn’t the only thing that Foaly has them there for.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:36 am
Oh and four, I’m still new to writing with other peoples charicters. This is my first Fan fic.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:12 am
i guess your new here so, Hi. for a first fan fic its not too bad. adding some more desriptive words would help to improve it.
Possible idea: when he read whats written on the coffin u could describe the type of writing..y was it so hard to read that they needed artemis? just adding simple things like that will help u improve it. hope u still continue this coz i would like to read more.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Yar. It’s not too bad. Just needs improvement on grammar. ( : Otherwise I think it’s okay. And a little more ideas…
June 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Thanks. Sorry it’s kinda drab. I’ll work on it.