Blood Rose
Written on May 5th, 2008 by shadow priceStory Details
- Category: General
- Author: shadow price
- Word Count: 441
- Read 164 times
- Skip to chapter: 1, 2,
(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5)
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Chapter 1:
It was Christmas Eve when Artemis Fowl the second heard a knock at the door. So he went to look out it and he saw Holly. She was bundled head to toe in human winter wear. Holly came in and Artemis helped her out of her coats.
“Captain Short, how are you?”Artemis said with a grin.
“I’m fine. It is you who i should be asking the same question.” said the captain in a worried voice.
“All is good here. Why do you seem so worried?” asked the pale youth.
“There is something that you need to see. The only problem is that it is in Haven and seeing as it is Christmas eve i don’t want to keep you from your family.” said Holly almost caringly.
“I’ll come.It sounds important.” said Artemis.”Merry Christmas by the way.” he added happily.
Butler came downstairs and saw Holly.He waved and took a look at Artemis and saw that he was getting ready to go outside in this weather.Butler went upstairs again and came back down with a coat on.
“Well if we are leaving then we will have to do it before Mr. and Mrs. Fowl wake up.” said Butler to their surprise.
“We will leave now.” said Artemis with a sight sigh.
So the trio made their way to the Tera shuttle port. When they got there Holly guided them through the heavy traffic of the People.Soon they were right at a door that said “S8 only”
“Well i see that Section 8 is still up and running” said Artemis.
Holly nodded and put her finger to her lips as a sign for silence. Artemis complied and stayed quiet while Holly typed in her pass code. The door opened but they could not enter because Foaly was in the way. He looked delighted to see Artemis and Butler.
“Hi mudmen. Hope the ride was good. Sorry I’m not much of a host but there is a reason that I brought you here. We have found one of the many coffins that are buried around the world. This one has something on it but we can’t read it and i hoped that you could help us out with that.” explained Foaly as he walked them to a big room that was bare except for a black coffin..
Artemis went over to the coffin and examined the writing on it. The word on it said “blood rose”.
Skip to chapter: 1, 2,
May 5th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Firstly, capitalize the “I”s. Secondly, there’s a lot of run on sentences, thirdly, the word choice is exceedingly plain. Fourthly, the charachters are a little OOC.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
and fithly i liked it so poop to all the things with grammer and speling
well not really ! it was intruging and as star pointed out you could try and spice it up a little ….. with words i mean the story line is fine
May 5th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Umm. . . I might understand if you mixed your grammar.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:55 am
See? lbutler, grammer is important to good writing. Good ideas isn’t everything to good writing. In fact, in the middle of the first chapter, I was bored and irritated out of my mind at the lack in excitement, the OOCness of the charachters, and the awkward phrasing. Lemme guess. Vampires come and try to take over the world while our heroes try to stop them. Wheee…*sigh* I’m sorry, but maybe I just don’t like the quality of your writing…
And must this story be so plainly obvious about everything? “It says Blood Rose. Do you think it’s a name?” I mean, Artemis can’t honestly think Foaly was so stupid that he had to point it out! And Holly wouldn’t have cared about Artemis’s family time if the whole fairy race might be at risk! And is it in Artemis’s personality to just say Merry Christmas HAPPILY when there could be an emergency? And why would the LEP need Artemis to come just to see a piece of writing? Couldn’t they identify it themselves?
BlackOpal here- I just merged your comments. Please try not to double post.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:34 am
One, sorry about the grammer. Two no the vampires arn’t going to try to take over th world. Three, that isn’t the only thing that Foaly has them there for.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:36 am
Oh and four, I’m still new to writing with other peoples charicters. This is my first Fan fic.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:12 am
i guess your new here so, Hi. for a first fan fic its not too bad. adding some more desriptive words would help to improve it.
Possible idea: when he read whats written on the coffin u could describe the type of writing..y was it so hard to read that they needed artemis? just adding simple things like that will help u improve it. hope u still continue this coz i would like to read more.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Yar. It’s not too bad. Just needs improvement on grammar. ( : Otherwise I think it’s okay. And a little more ideas…
June 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Thanks. Sorry it’s kinda drab. I’ll work on it.