Note: Many of the characters’ names have been abbreviated for the purpose of this narrative. Here are the full names and abbreviations listed.
AK- Ally Kat
Shadow or Snake- Shadowsnake451
Silver (or Silv) – Silversong
CC- Crazy Chick
Collectively EVERYONE or FANPEEPS
MOST OF YOU ONLY HAVE CAMEOS! I WARN YOU IN ADVANCE! IT WAS OVERCROWDED!
Present day Ireland
Fanpeeps –fly through window on a hoover and collapse in a heap * ARRRRGGGHHH!!!
Artemis-*Sat on bed* Arkk! Flying hoover! Ahem, I mean, who are you people? What is you purpose here?-
Fanpeeps*epically ignore him*
Ohan– Ow, ow, ow. Those hoovers are not, I repeat not built to hold five people.
AK– That? That was nothing. That was a pleasant trip compared to attempting to fly from Albuquerque to the middle of West Virginia on that heap. In under 3 hours. *everyone winces* With Snake on your back to boot.
Artemis– Er, hello? Excuse me? What are you oddities doing here?
Fanpeeps– Eek! Strange mud boy creature? Where did he come from?
Silver– Do you imbeciles actually notice anything? He’s been here all the time that we have.
S7– Oh, well, sorry, Silv. We can’t all be part Butler, you know.
Silver– Quit whinging and look closely. Don’t you realise who this is?
Fanpeeps– *stare at Artemis intently*
Ohan– Oh my Frond…could it possibly be… SpongeBob?
Shadow– No, he is not square and he is not yellow *squints* well, not very, anyway. Silver’s right. That complexion, the hair…Oh my God. You are kidding me! You can’t be Artemis Fowl!
Artemis– Well, who were you expecting? What are you even doing here?
S7– Wow! That means we’re in Fowl manor! Wicked! *celebration dance* What are the chances of that?
Silver– And he’s got a point, Ally. What are we doing here?
AK– *coughs* It was…ahh…an experiment. I wanted to see how fast it could go.
AK– Well, I have a cousin in Knock, and I drifted a little too far east…
Shadow– So we’re here by accident then.
AK– Basically, yeah.
Artemis– *attempts to back towards the door quietly*
Silver– Oh no, Arty boy. *unsheathes scythes* You stay right there. Shadow, you got any rope? Artemis needs tying up.
S7– He doesn’t really. I could always just sit on him.
Silver– Yes, but where would be the satisfaction in that? Help me do the next knot.
AK– Silv, just leave him.
Silver– *Secures Arty to the bedpost* He’s done now anyway. By Frond, I wish I had a camera phone.
AK– Silver, I would very much like to get to my cousin’s house before nightfall, and we can’t get the hoover going.
Ohan– Oh, it’s quite easy really. There should be a blue switch on the side. Aha! *flicks switch* There you go!
*The hoover suddenly starts whirring, humming and shaking violently, before switching to suction and attempting to swallow everyone in the room. *
Shadow– Erm, Ally, should it be doing that?
AK– Ah. No. No, it really, really shouldn’t. Now I suggest that we all back away, very slowly. *hoover suddenly starts to growl* In fact, make that as quickly as possible.
Artemis– Hello? Excuse me? Tied to a bedpost over here. Backing away is not really an option. *the hoover latches onto his leg and starts to slurp him up* Crazies! A little help would be nice!
*The hoover continues to gobble him up, completely demolishing him. It then turns to the others*
AK– D’Arvit! I can’t get near enough to turn it off. It’s unstoppable!
Ohan- We’re all gonna get sucked in! We’re doomed! Doomed!
Shadow– Oh crumbs.
END OF PART 1