YOSHI: Brooke and Judge
ALLY KAT: Warner
ARTIFICIAL ASIAN: Emmett
MIKOS: Artemis Fowl
I don’t own AF, or Legally Blonde. This had to be written, though. A few parts were chosen for irony (CC), and many because it was . . . appropriate (SB, K12 and Yoshi). Ah, Yoshi. I’m deathly afraid of you killing me for this, but I seem to remember you had a “thing” for a certain Irish genius- well, more than the rest of us XD
Pairings: Yoshi/Artemis, and raging Artler
I, TWS, walked into the boardroom of FanGathering’s writers.
“’Ello, all,” I nodded, and reclined into the wheelie chair waiting for the Mod to show up, and tell us we were all amazing, but to cut the spamming. It kind of made me wish that POSF was back, but, alas, she was gone.
Then, suddenly, Artemis Fowl walked in. Now, you may be surprised that we didn’t freak out on him, but these meetings were neutral territory, and canon characters often show up to whine about characterization . . . or whatever.
“Gay,” I sang low enough for BXA to hear, and grin at.
“He’s straight,” SeaBlue, who sat next to me murmured.
I watched Artemis for a second, and then noticed the feminine sway to his girlish hips.
With a dramatic slam, my wheelie chair shot against the wall as I violently stood up, and pointed to the startled genius. He must have thought it was a fangirl attack.
In a key my alto voice should be, yet magically wasn’t, murdering, I sung/screamed: “There, right there! Look that tan and tinted skin, look at the killer shape he’s in, look at that slightly stubbly chin! Oh, please, he’s gay! Totally gay!”
I saw a girl in a Legally t-shirt (probably a newbie whose name I didn’t know) and nodded to her. She immediately turned the instrumental on.
SeaBlue, knowing it was his part, stood up and sung, as if he knew he needed to, “I’m not about to celebrate, any trait could indicate a completely straight expatriate. This guy’s not gay, I say not gay.”
I grinned, semi-proudly. I love being the author. It’s kind of like being Bowser. Just plain awesome.
“That is the elephant in the room, whether it’s relevant to assume that a man who wears perfume is automatically radically fey?”
Artemis was just standing there, seeming a bit shocked. Minerva seemed to be trying not to giggle, and Butler was on guard.
I think Artemis smelled himself.
“But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.” Artificial Asian (AA/Battery) testified.
“Look at his still translucent socks!” I replied.
SeaBlue had enough. “There’s the eternal paradox. Look what we’re seeing.”
“What are we seeing?” I humored him, completely assured in my opinion.
“Is he gay?” he asked dramatically.
Artemis was just about to speak out.
“Of course he’s gay!”
“Or European?” He finished.
If Artemis was an anime character, I would like to believe he would have melted.
“Oh,” the entire room sang, include our Mod, K12, who had just walked in.
“Gay or European, It’s hard to guarantee, is he gay or European?” We all sung.
“Hey, don’t look at me,” Ally Kat trailed off, at the Fowl in question’s glare.
“You see,” K12 said in her lecture-voice, one I was familiar with, “they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports.”
“In shiny shirts, and tiny shorts!” Everyone sang/argued. “Gay or foreign fella? The answer could take weeks!”
“They say things like ‘ciao bella’, while they kiss you on both cheeks.”
“Oh, please!” I protested.
“Gay or European? So many shades of gray!”
“Depending on the time of day, the French go either way . . .” Ally Kat teased, coming to stand by Artemis, ergo Minerva.
“Is he gay or European? Or-“
“There, right there!” Crazy Chick cried, standing up, her chair sounding far more dramatic than mine had. “Look at that condescending smirk! Seen it on every guy at work! That is a metro, hetero jerk, this guys not gay, I say no way!”
The girl, one of your youngest, retrieved her chair and sat back down.
“That’s the elephant in the room . . .” We all sang, and she was even dancing a bit, “Well, is it relevant to assume that a hottie in that costume . . .”
I saw BXA point to his clearly tailored suit, and noticed how he seemed to have edged that he was almost hiding behind Butler. Total uke behavior.
“Gay! Gay, gay, gay!”
Artemis noticed this, and swiftly moved to stand by Yoshi’s side and introduce himself, kissing her hand.
“Damn it! Gay or European?”
“I think his chest is waxed . . .” SeaBlue said, and I think we all wondered how he knew that.
“But they bring their boys up different there!” K12 tried again at diplomacy between the Irish homosexual and us. “It’s culturally diverse! It’s not a fashion curse!”
“If he wears a kilt or bears a purse!” We all sung/shouted with gusto. I think we managed to convince all.
“Gay or just exotic? I still can’t crack the code . . .”
“His accent is hypnotic, but his shoes are pointy toed.” Yoshi noticed aloud.
“Huh.” We all accepted it, and saw his pointy-er-than-knives-shoes. “Gay or European? So many shades of gray!”
“But if he turns out straight, I’m free at eight on Saturday,” Yoshi said, clearly in his direction. He nodded.
“Is he gay or European? Gay or European? Gay or-“
“Wait a minute!” Battery said, stilling the chorus. “Give me a chance to crack this guy, I have an idea I’d like to try.”
SeaBlue shrugged. “The floor is yours.”
“So . . . Mr. Argitacos . . .”
“The name is Fowl.”
Battery ignored him. “This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for?”
“Two years,” he answered swiftly.
“And your first name is?”
“And you boyfriends’ name is?”
“I’m sorry, I misunderstood! You said ‘boyfriend’, I thought you said ‘best friend’!” Domovoi is my best friend.” Artemis covered up.
Butler slammed his fist on the conference table. “You bastard! You lying bastard!”
Okay, if I didnr’t know this was coming, I’d be scared,
“People; I have a big announcement! This man is gay and European!”
“No matter what he says! You have to stop being a complete closet case! No matter what he says, I swear he’d never swing the other way.” He turned to Artemis. “You’re so gay, you big parfait, you flaming boy band cabaret!”
“Burn!” Someone whispered.
“I’m straight.” Artemis said emotionlessly.
“You weren’t yesterday.”
Gasp the Third.
“So, if I may say, I’m proud to say he’s gay!” Butler announced.
“Alright. I’m gay.” Artemis admitted.
“Hooray!” Everyone but him screamed.
About a half an hour and one particularly uneventful meeting later, Yoshi threw a small bundle at Artemis. “I don’t even want your sock, filthy man-whore.”
Huh. Never thought I’d see the day. I tossed her my sock, just to be nice. She grinned and stuffed in her pocket.
All together, a good day.