“Hey!” I shouted. “Stop it!” Too late. My Civil War comics were gone. Mulch Diggums had swallowed them. Now how was I supposed to get more? They came all the way from New York! I slapped my face in disgust.

“Yum,” he said. “They’re good. You need more.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, “I need more.”

Meanwhile, Artemis was searching my room for any good reference books. He couldn’t find any books. “Where are all your books on psychology?” he said.

“I have none,” I said. “I hate those boring reference books.” I desperately tried to hide the rest of my comic books.

“They are not boring!” Artemis protested. “All you have are those idiotic comic books. You have no taste.”

I wasn’t paying attention. “Hey!” I cried. “Just what do you think you’re doing? That’s my iPod!”

Holly had earphones on and she was listening to my music. “Catchy stuff,” she said. “I gotta get some human music someday.”

*************************

This, my friends, is exactly an example of fan fiction gone wild. Believe me! I’m an innocent. I was completely minding my own business and suddenly Mulch started eating my comics. I lost seven Marvel comics thanks to that dwarf! Excuse me while I try to stop Opal from blowing up my house.

*************************

I snatched the explosives up out of the evil pixie’s reach. “Give those back!” She screeched. “I need those.”

“No way,” I said, holding them over my head, “I like my house.”

Artemis was flipping through my copies of the Artemis Fowl series. “Where did you get these?” He said. “These pages are filled with lies. Holly never punched me in the face. Mr. Colfer is not my biographer! He is merely an extremist and he creates inaccurate descriptions of me for immature readers.”

“Give that back,” I snatched the book from his hands. “Those are mine.”

“I’m not ready to make nice,” Holly sang along to my music.

“I’m not ready to back down.

Still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round.

It’s too late to make it right

Probably wouldn’t if I could

Cuz I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should!”

I nearly screamed.

“SHORT!” screamed Commander Root, “GET OVER HERE! NOW!”

She walked over to him, taking her own sweet time.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO THAT MUD MAN CRAP?! GET THOSE HEAD PHONES OFF AND GET THOSE HANDCUFFS ON THE CONVICT!”

“Geez, commander,” she complained, taking off her head phones. “Fine!”

“Why are the young ‘uns so gullible?” he asked himself putting on the head phones himself.

************************

Now I think you kind of get the idea of what I’ve had to put up with for the past few hours. I think my mom fainted and my dad has gone sought refuge in the compost bin. My sister has gone and buried herself in the yard. Talk about over reacting. My cats are hiding under the stairs for now. I think I’ll…

************************

“Hey!” I shouted. “Out of the garden!” Mulch was digging up every lettuce, tomato, and potato plant that I, ahem, I mean my dad, worked so hard under the burning sun to plant. Somehow, Opal got a hold of the bombs again.

I rubbed my eyes. Somehow this was all going to disappear. Disappear…disappear…disappear…BOOM! Opal blew up the car. What next?

“Out!” I screamed. “O! U! T! Out!” Reluctantly, Artemis, Holly, Mulch, Root, and Opal were shoved out the door. I snatched my iPod from Holly as she exited the doorway. I sat down at my computer and flexed my fingers. Now to get to work…

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I heard a voice scream from across the street.

The end! If I get enough reviews I might write a sequel. Review!!! No flames please!

Some other stories by artyfowl3:

• Doorway to Cittàgazze
• Early Train
• Like Father, Like Daughter
• Lost Colony Poem
• Sister Trouble