(A/N) Humor. Not to be take seriously. An idea that popped into my head and would not leave me alone. Therefore, it was written.
No lemons, but rated T for slight sexual innuendos. Seriously, I’m warning you. I won’t be soft-peddling anything more than it already is…
No, no, I’m not thinking of taking this down anymore. 😀 But if you don’t like this kinda thing, turn back now!! For both our sakes!!
The latest heist had gone picture perfectly, and Artemis was quite satisfied with himself. He looked proudly at the painting, the legendary artwork that he had managed to liberate from its last owner just that afternoon.
A bit of Champagne is in order, he thought to himself. Mother need not know. Very few people (probably no one but he) knew that Artemis was actually quite fond of the alcoholic beverage, though he was very careful about his consumption of it. Perhaps it was the sophistication that appealed to him, or the maturity issue, or perhaps he simply liked the taste of it. I don’t think anyone will ever know.
So, enjoying a glass of the bubbly alcohol, Artemis leaned back, allowing himself an elusive moment to just relax. Everything was well; his mother and father were upstairs in their own room, Butler and Juliet were sparing in the basement, and Holly was back in Haven. All was well. Perhaps it was this overwhelming sense of well being that caused the young Irish boy to lose track of the fact that he had just poured himself a third glass of Champagne .
Butler wiped sweat from his brow as he and Juliet paused in their rigorous training. He loved physical exercise; it was enjoyable, when they weren’t fighting for their lives.
That was when the music started blasting from upstairs.
His head whipped around- after he had recovered from the sudden assault on his ears. Artemis was the only one on the main level of the house, relaxing with a glass of Champagne . And it certainly wasn’t Artemis who had turned the music on to that level.
Panic surging through him, Butler raced up the stairs, almost pulling the handrail off in his haste. As he went, though, he realized that there was something strange about the music; it was Artemis’ music. Some symphony or other. Now that was odd.
The huge bodyguard tore around the corner, only to lose his balance completely (in a completely un-Butler way) in his utter shock.
Artemis… his Artemis… Artemis the Second… Artemis Fowl…
On the coffee table.
No, he wasn’t standing.
Artemis Fowl was dancing on the coffee table.
Butler felt his head spin violently; this sight was so contradictory to the Artemis Fowl he had known since the boy was born that it nearly knocked him unconscious. But no… Butler was a professional bodyguard, trained not to faint, whatever the situation. Or at least until the situation was neutralized.
But Artemis Fowl dancing on the coffee table…
The bodyguard couldn’t maintain his grip on the world. His brain simply short circuited. But he realized, before the world went black, that he had to make sure that Artemis was taken care of.
So he called one person he knew could deal with this.
Well, she wasn’t a person, per say.
Holly Short was actually having a peaceful day for once. She had been granted an aboveground visa for a much deserved vacation, and was enjoying it. Until, that is, she received a call from Butler. There was no message, just the red flash that indicated an urgent situation. Holly didn’t even hesitate to abandon her vacation for the sake of her human friends, taking off immediately.
When she approached the manor, she knew instantly that something was off. Music poured out of the grand house… strange music, too. Classical music. Artemis’ music. Why is it turned on so loud?
Buzzing in the window (Artemis had told her that she had an unconditional invitation inside), Holly looked around wildly, her mind already preparing for the worst. She zipped down the hallway, toward the source of the music. The first thing she saw was Butler, where he had presumably fainted. Then, every ounce of her attention was absorbed by what caused Butler (a fine bodyguard, with nerves of steel) to faint.
Artemis didn’t pause in what he was doing… which, currently, was rotating his hips in a way that Holly had never imagined he could, and looked at her. His hands migrated to a position above his head, and his sweaty hair swished as he shook his head.
“Holly!” he called excitedly, his flushed face lighting up. “You ‘ere to dance an’ pa-arty?”
Holly did a double take, her soldier’s training making her do a 360. She noted the near-empty bottle of Champagne on the floor next to the couch, next to the half-empty glass. And that would be why Artemis is on the coffee table dancing to symphony #9.
Holly had the presence of mind to press record on her visor’s camera.
“Who pick’d dis music?” Artemis asked, a slur in his voice. He stumbled off the table, and Holly almost had to catch him. He swaggered (what an odd sight, Artemis Fowl swaggering) over to the record player, switching off the Beethoven. He twisted the dial until he reached a modern station, a Ke$ha song coming on. Artemis flicked the volume dial, turning it up until Holly’s ears hurt. He then made his way over to the alcohol bottle, draining the half a glass that remained and pouring himself a fresh glass.
He re-noticed Holly. “Oh! Holly! Ah dihdn’t nohtic ‘ou were ‘ere!” he offered her the glass, a ridiculous grin on his face. “Ih’s really good stuhff!”
Holly shook her head wordlessly. “No thanks. And I don’t think you should drink it, either, Artemis.”
“Chall m’ Arty!” Artemis insisted, making a dismissive gesture with one hand. He took a swig of the Champagne , and then seemed to pause. “Ih’s so hwot in here!” he exclaimed, tugging at the sleeve of his ruffled suit.
Holly choked on air as Artemis shed the jacket, and then his not so crisp white shirt, leaving him in only his slacks. He staggered over to the light switch (not putting down the glass) and flicked it off, leaving them in only the dim light coming through the windows.
“Woha oha uh oh! Woha oha uh of! DJ ‘uo buihld m’ up… ‘ou brahk m’ dowhn…” he sang along absently to Tik Toc, which happened to be the aforementioned Ke$ha song, his slurred voice reminding Holly of a drunken cat. “Wiff m’ hands up, pu’ ur hands up, pu’ ur hands up…” Artemis placed on hand on one hip, and the other in the air, strutting theatrically as he mouthed, “Now the party don’t stop till I walk in…”
That was when Holly forgot how serious this was.
And focused on how hilarious it was.
How does he even know this song?!
“… Buh the pahty doh’t stohp no…” Artemis executed a poorly balanced spin, nearly landing on his rear end. The next song to come on happened to be the newest P!nk song, called ‘Raise Your Glass.’ Oh yeah… thought Holly absently. Mulch was playing it at our apartment all weekend…
Again, inexplicably, Artemis knew the song.
“Wh’s the dealio?” he sang, horribly off key, and Holly was eternally grateful that she had this all on tape. The Irish boy took another swig of his drink. “Doh’t ge’ fancy jus’ ge’ dancy!” he continued, and then lurched right up to Holly. “Wh’ so serious?” he asked.
Holly cracked up, and Artemis jumped back up onto the table, his hips rotating in a way that no one, in the history of the world, would have associated with Artemis Fowl. “Slam slam oh ho’ damn wha’ pa’ o’ paarty doh’t ‘ou und’rsthnd?” he sang, directing the question at Holly. “Wi’ ‘ou’d jus’ freak out!” He dropped to his knees, eyes closed. “I sh’ld be loc’d up riht on ta spoht!”
“Yes you should,” Holly commented, “but this is just too amusing.”
Artemis, apparently deciding that he was still too hot, kicked off his loafers, which were soon followed by…
Holly felt her face burn with sudden embarrassment as she found herself faced with a drunken Artemis Fowl, dressed only in a pair of boxers. This did not seem to embarrass Artemis in the least, as he kept dancing wildly (there was no other way to describe it) through the P!nk song.
The next song came on the radio, one that Holly knew, once again, thanks to Mulch. Artemis also seemed to know it more than well. Word for word, in fact, because he started singing along. He jumped down off the table, landing right in front of Holly. He mouthed the words to Your Love is my Drug.
“Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep,” he mouthed, moving closer to Holly then she felt comfortable, “I got a sick obsession, I’m seeing it in my dreams.” He slipped his hands onto Holly’s waist, making the elf jump. “I’m staying up all night hoping, hitting my head against the wall!” Holly saw his eyes swirl in the darkness. “I’m all strung out, my heart is fried! I just can’t get you, off my mind!”
Is it random that he chose this song to hop down and get so close to me…?
As if to answer her question, Artemis pressed his lips to hers in a sudden and steamy kiss. Holly tensed, tasting alcohol and sweat.
“I lov’ ‘ou, Holly.”
Is he serious, Holly wondered, or is that just the alcohol talking?
“I geh so high whe’ y’r wi’ m’, bu’ crash an’ crav’ ‘ou whe’ ‘ou leave!” Artemis sang, as off key as ever. He kissed her again, sending shockwaves through both their bodies.
Oh god… is this just the alcohol… tell me it’s just the alcohol… tell me it’s not… oh… Holly lost her train of thought, and a moan forced its way out of her mouth.
Holly pushed at Artemis, feeling his hot body pressed to hers. Do I want this…? No… yes… oh… god… am I sure I’m not drunk, too?
The elfin captain felt a hand slide down her suit. She gasped, breaking the kiss abruptly.
“Arty…” he corrected her absently, seeming more concerned with her bare skin then words.
“Artemis Fowl!!” Holly shouted, shoving him away forcefully. “What are you doing?!” Her skin tingled with the phantom memory of his touch.
Artemis looked at her, seeming wounded. “Doh’t ‘ou…?”
Holly sighed. “Artemis…” seeing his disapproving look, she corrected herself, “Arty… I think you need to take a nice long nap.”
“Ahm no’ ti’rd!” Artemis objected like a petulant child.
Oh my goodness…
“I wahna danc’!!” Artemis said, the next song, happening to be Blah Blah Blah, caught his attention at the most awkward lyric possible. “I w’nna be na’ed! Bu’ y’r wast’d! Musics up!! Lishen hwat stuff! ‘M in lo-ov’!”
“A-Artemis…” Holly stuttered, a bit alarmed, though they were only the lyrics of a song. Of course, this alarmed feeling turned into a downright panicked feeling when Artemis pulled at the edges of his boxers.
“Artemis!!” Holly snapped, her face flaming.
Artemis bobbed his head, taking another swig of Champagne (right out of the bottle).
“Le’s pa-artay littl’ lady!” he exclaimed, hands once again reaching up above his head as he danced.
I should really take that bottle away, Holly thought, before he knocks himself unconscious.
Maybe it would be better if he just went unconscious…
“Thi’k y’ll be gehtt’n t’is nah, nah, nah!” Artemis cried, strutting up to Holly. “’Ou c’n geht iht any tihm ‘ou want,” he told her in a throaty purr.
Holly felt her skin tingle. “Arty… I don’t think you’re being very appropriate.”
“I’m naht,” Artemis admitted, moving closer to her.
Holly chuckled despite herself. Is this just the alcohol? She asked herself again.
“Time to go nighty-night, Mud Boy,” she said playfully, setting her neutrino to the lowest possible setting.
When Artemis woke up, there were three facts that registered in his mind almost immediately.
One… I am not in my bed.
Two… Oh… My head hurts…
Three… I am very nearly naked.
A fourth thought that registered only a moment later was this:
I have… the oddest song stuck in my head.
Groaning, Artemis sat up, one hand pressed to his head and his eyes closed tightly. Feeling the carpet under him, he indentified the room as his living room. Why was I sleeping… in my living room…?
A laugh interrupted his thoughts, coming from the other room. A horsey laugh. Foaly…? Why is Foaly here…? And laughing no less?
With a tremendous effort, Artemis righted himself, standing up, though he swayed unsteadily. He glanced around; nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He tried to work through his splitting headache to remember the day before. The painting… I stole the painting… and then… what?
Shaking his head (and earning a sharp stab of pain for it) Artemis shambled over to the door, focused on the laughing. Not only could he hear Foaly’s laugh, but now he could pick out both Juliet’s laugh and Mulch’s laugh. My fairy friends and human friends… all laughing at something…?
Artemis opened the door, the light piercing his head. He squinted, and saw that his friends were all gathered around a monitor. The same song that was stuck in his head was playing. What’s that song…? Ah, yes… Ke$ha… Tik Toc…
Everyone was there; Foaly, Mulch, Holly, Juliet and even Butler. They were all grinning, even Butler. What the…? Then, Artemis became aware that Ke$ha’s voice wasn’t the only one singing.
“Woha oha uh oh! Woha oha uh of! DJ ‘uo buihld m’ up… ‘ou brahk m’ dowhn…”
That sounds like a drunken cat… Artemis thought, and staggered forward until he could see the screen.
And he saw himself.
“Wiff m’ hands up, pu’ ur hands up, pu’ ur hands up…” The Artemis on screen planted one hand on his hips and the other made a motion in the air. “Now the party don’t stop till I walk in,” the on-screen Artemis mouthed, strutting around.
Artemis spotted the Champagne bottle in the background as the song switched to P!nk, and his aching brain caught up. Aw… well dang.
“Slam slam oh ho’ damn wha’ pa’ o’ paarty doh’t ‘ou und’rsthnd?” the Artemis of last night sang, and the Artemis of the morning after realized that it was much worse than he had originally thought. Holly was there. Not only was she watching the tape, but she was the one taking the video. She had been there. “Wi’ ‘ou’d jus’ freak out! I sh’ld be loc’d up riht on ta spoht!”
Yes, I should have been! Artemis thought. Why didn’t Holly arrest me?!
Holly turned, noticing his presence for the first time. She giggled in a most un-Holly like way.
“Looks like sleeping beauty has risen,” she teased.
Mulch turned, a sly grin on his face. “How’s your head, Mud Boy? Betcha its pounding.”
Butler sighed in an almost indulgent way. “I’ll get some medicine,” he told his charge, in a gentle enough voice to grate on Artemis’ nerves.
“Ooh!” Holly said suddenly. “You’re just in time for the best part of the video! Butler, the medicine can wait! You have to see this!”
Ke$ha’s ‘Your Love is My Drug’ started playing, and Artemis resisted the urge to go and hide.
“Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep,” the on-screen Artemis mouthed, and the current Artemis watched with growing unease as his past moved closer to Holly, “I got a sick obsession, I’m seeing it in my dreams.” Artemis felt his stomach twist as his past placed his hands on Holly’s waist. “I’m staying up all night hoping, hitting my head against the wall! I’m all strung out, my heart is fried! I just can’t get you, off my mind!”
Artemis felt the phantom touch of Holly’s lips as he watched the kiss on screen.
“I lov’ ‘ou, Holly.”
Did I seriously say that?
“I geh so high whe’ y’r wi’ m’, bu’ crash an’ crav’ ‘ou whe’ ‘ou leave!” Artemis winced at his own off-key singing. The kiss restarted, and Artemis felt the echo of electricity crackle through his body.
W-was that just the alcohol…? Or do I really feel that way? He wondered.
Artemis felt his face flare as he watched his own hand slip down Holly’s suit. Mulch gave an approving whistle, and Butler’s eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets.
“Artemis!!” the on-screen Holly snapped.
“Arty…” Artemis heard himself correct her.
“Artemis Fowl!!” Holly shouted, shoving him away forcefully. So that’s where I got that bruise… the current Artemis reflected. “What are you doing?!”
“Oh god I’m sorry!!” blurted Artemis, aghast at his own pushiness.
“Sh!” Holly insisted. “Watch!”
“Ahm no’ ti’rd!” Artemis heard himself wail.
Oh my… I really did dig myself a hole… he thought with dread.
“I wahna danc’!!” Artemis heard himself call out and then pick up on the next song. Oh no… thought current Artemis. Please… not that song…
“I w’nna be na’ed! Bu’ y’r wast’d! Musics up!! Lishen hwat stuff! ‘M in lo-ov’!”
Current Artemis nearly fainted with embarrassment.
Only the lyrics of a song… he assured himself. Surely I didn’t actually mean that…
“Artemis!!” last night’s Holly snapped, a blush spreading across her cheeks.
“Le’s pa-artay littl’ lady!” Artemis heard himself exclaim once again dancing in a way that he was sure he would never live down.
“Thi’k y’ll be gehttn tis nah, nah, nah!” last night’s Artemis sang, and then addressed Holly. “You c’n geh iht any tihm ‘ou want,” he offered in a throaty purr.
I… purred… and a very sexual sentiment at that… oh sweet Fates… my life is over… over…
“Holly I’m sorry!” he tried again, but the elf only motioned to the screen.
Holly of last night blushed. “Arty… I don’t think you’re being very appropriate.”
“I’m naht,” Artemis admitted, moving closer to her.
Holly chuckled despite softly, to Artemis’ increasing embarrassment.
“Time to go nighty-night, Mud Boy,” she said playfully, and Artemis saw himself drop to the floor, where he had undoubted just woke up.
The video straight from hell ended.
“Holly… I don’t even know what to say…” Artemis began, his face on fire with embarrassment. “Oh… Holly… I was an idiot… the alcohol… I’m not even working with all the facts right now!” he finished in frustration.
Holly chuckled. “How about these facts: you drained almost a whole bottle of Champagne last night- that medicine would be good now, Butler –which made you more intoxicated then a gnome; you tried to grope me several times; you kissed me; you have a terrible singing voice; your dancing could use some improvement. Oh, and you know some songs that I would never guess you would know, word for word.”
Artemis felt his head spin with the hangover and the facts that Holly had just presented him with.
“My life is over.”
It was a sentiment that every teenage has to express at least once. And this was Artemis Fowl’s time.
(A/N) So, what did you guys think? Sorry if you had any trouble interpreting song lyrics or other things dear Arty was saying… No flames, please; constructive criticism helpful.