Artemis Fowl and the Fortune Cookies of Doom
Written on May 21st, 2007 by Moonlite KnightStory Details
(38 votes, average: 3.97 out of 5)
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Artemis slowly opened the bag of fortune cookies that he had received for his birthday.
The he slowly pulled out one dreaded cookie.
Then, very slowly, he opened the wrapper.
“Sometime this century would be nice, Arty.” Juliet said, already annoyed.
Artemis, once again, gave Juliet his infamous vampire glare. Once again, it had no effect.
Juliet had received too many of his glares in the past for them to have much effect on her now.
Butler didn’t say a word. He was afraid he would burst out laughing if he opened his mouth.
“You can not rush a genius.” Artemis said, stalling for time.
“I thought the saying was ‘You can’t rush genius.’” Juliet replied, distracted.
“Wow, we are in the presence of a miracle! Juliet can actually think about something other than wrestling.” Artemis said dramatically.
Butler swiftly intervened before Juliet used one of her infamous wrestling moves on the boy genius.
“Artemis, just eat the cookie already.”
Artemis turned to glare at Butler.
“I thought you, at least, would be on my side.”
“Of course I am on your side Artemis.” Butler said, unsuccessfully trying to keep the laughter out of his voice.
“Now eat the cookie.”
Artemis looked sadly at the wall.
“See, it has already begun. Everyone is conspiring my death.”
“ARTEMIS! EAT THE COOKIE!”
“Alright already.”
Artemis resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
“I’ll eat the cookie.”
He neatly broke the fortune cookie in half, pulled out the little slip of paper that had his fortune on it, and put it on the table without looking at it.
Then he turned his attention to the two halves of the cookie in his hand.
“Butler are you positive that this cookie has not been poisoned?” he asked, eyeing the cookie pieces apprehensively.
Butler rolled his eyes and sighed.
“Artemis, either eat the cookie now, or I will allow Juliet to force feed it to you.”
Artemis did not bother to glare at Butler since his previous glares had had no effect.
There was no way out of this.
He had to, ULP, eat the cookie.
Artemis closed his eyes. He slowly put one half of the cookie in his mouth.
Grimacing, he quickly chewed and swallowed. He repeated the procedure with the other half of the cookie.
“There that wasn’t too bad, was it, Artemis.” Butler said, smiling smugly.
Juliet just giggled uncontrollably.
All of a sudden, Artemis clutched his throat in terror and feel backwards out of his chair.
“ARTEMIS!” Butler and Juliet screamed, terrified that he had been poisoned.
They ran to the boy’s shaking body.
It was only when they saw his face did they realize that he was shaking with laughter, not because of a venom.
The boy genius sat up clutching his side and trying to regain his composure.
“That wasn’t funny Artemis!” Juliet screeched, nearly in tears.
Butler just glared at Artemis, trying to slow his racing heart.
“S-sorry,” Artemis replied, finally able to control his laughter.
“But you two were just too smug for your own good. The opportunity was just to prefect to ignore.”
Butler shook his head in mock disappointment.
“You have been spending way too much time in the company of Mulch and Holly.”
“Oh, that’s right. Holly said that she would be stopping by today. We had better get ready for her visit.”
He tried to get up in order to leave the room but was stopped by Juliet.
“Oh no you don’t, Arty!” she said in a singsong voice.
“You still need to read your fortune!”
Artemis’s already pale skin turned paler.
However, there was no way out of this situation that did not involve him jumping out of the window.
Artemis got up and turned over the paper that would decide his fate.
Butler and Juliet also got up, curious to read the boy genius’s fortune.
On the little slip of paper, in evilly innocent writing were the words:
Today you will meet your best nonhuman friend and the love of your life.
Watch out for the 13th step.
Only five words seemed to register to Juliet.
“‘The love of your life’?!” She shouted, pounding the table with her right fist and laughing uncontrollably.
“Artemis in love! Hahaha!”
Butler was a bit more successful in hiding his amusement.
“I can’t wait to meet the one that Artemis could actually love!” he said, grinning widely.
“See I told you,” Artemis said, throwing the evil fortune onto the table.
His cheeks had a faint blush in them.
“These so called ‘fortunes’ are completely unscientific and will never come true.”
“Sure Artemis,” said Butler, his grin growing wider.
“Whatever you say.”
“Butler-”
Artemis’s reply was cut short by the doorbell.
Tan Tanna Tan Tantan Tara
“Is that our doorbell?” Artemis asked bewildered.
“What on earth is that melody?”
“Your parents,” replied Butler, smirking.
“They saw a Hindi movie, Judwaa (Twin), and absolutely loved that song.”
Artemis shook his head sadly.
This was further proof towards his theory that his parents had lost their mind.
“I’ll get it!” Juliet shouted and ran out of the room.
“We had better follow and make sure she does not frighten away whomever is at the door.” Artemis said following Juliet at a saner pace.
He did not see Butler stop to pick up the wicked bag of fortune cookies and the paper with his fortune on it.
Artemis walked down the hallway and started down the stairs.
Everything was fine until he put his right foot on the 13th step.
The step gave away and Artemis tumbled down the remaining twelve steps, right out the front door that Juliet had just opened, and right into the taller of the two people on the doorstep.
Both Artemis and the person fell backwards into the mud left over from a freak summer storm.
“Sorry.” Artemis managed to say, sitting up and wiping the mud out of his eyes.
He looked at the person besides him and found himself staring into the most beautiful pair of green eyes that he had ever seen.
“Um, hi.”
Some other stories by Moonlite Knight:
- If I Told You I Loved You...
- Update to Secert World
- Boredom is a Powerful Weapon
- ¤Ο¤Holiday Blues ¤Ο¤
- I Don't Like Lollipops
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:52 am
Haha, it’s funny! I like it.
Is this an A/H? That’s what I thought at first, then you said green eyes.
And I love the book Twilight by the way!
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:02 am
Ooh, I still have to read that…
Anyway, I like this too- very funny. And, unusually for something so funny, the characters are barely OOC. I can’t wait for the rest.
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:26 am
oh this is so interesting
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:33 am
IT’S OK………
4 NOW
May 23rd, 2007 at 8:07 am
i thought at first is was a A/H but when the whole green eyes thing came i totaly obiouse that its not…..but ya its an awsomee story add more quick plz
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:15 pm
It’s great! I’m not getting a headache, as there is ACTUAL PUNCTUATION! OMG.
I’m guessing it’s going to be A/OC.
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:54 pm
AWESOME, and i enjoy the fact that thismight be M/A because of the whole love of Arty’s life, and the green eyes thing. ^_^
May 23rd, 2007 at 11:10 pm
Please keep writing! ^-^
May 26th, 2007 at 3:25 am
Puh-leaze update soon!
May 26th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
PLEASE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Using mesmer to force you to write more* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……..(realizes that he is stil typing)
May 27th, 2007 at 1:24 am
really funny please cont.
May 28th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Dom - you wrote exactly the same thing on my fic.
May 28th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Yeah, well, I don’t have many ‘Holy $#!+ this is good! Write more. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ review ideas.
May 29th, 2007 at 2:44 am
That’s good. Because according to the article How To Write a Good Review, in the archive’s ‘help and how to’ section, you should not be writing those kinds of reviews anyway. Try to elaborate on why you liked the story, maybe even add some constructive criticism. And DON’T just type ‘update!’ because the author will update in his/her own time. I mean, three ‘update!’ reviews in a row? It’s completely unnecessary.
I don’t mean to pick on you, Domovi- Almost all of your reviews are really good, and I’m glad you’re commenting, just try to contribute with your comments please. This was for everybody,because almost everybody’s been writing comments like that- you just don’t see many of them because they get deleted.
So consider this a warning, everyone: Make sure your reviews are actually reviews.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:49 am
I still think this story is awesome. The characters are in character (well, who knows about Juliet, as if she can manage to cut up vegetables and make cordon bleu she must be able to make a cake) and it has a good (albeit weird) plot.
May 31st, 2007 at 9:21 am
one quesstion…..why would juliet get over happy over baking a cake?
June 1st, 2007 at 9:50 pm
Because, well, let’s just say that, at Artemis’s last buisness meeting, he planned on poisoning the people by tainting the cake, but, Juliet was cooking, and, let’s just say, the appetizer got to them first……………………………….
June 6th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
luv it. i couldn’t stop laughing.
great work!!!!
June 20th, 2007 at 3:55 am
Fortune cookies? XD This thing rules! Write more!
My 2 favorite parts? When dear little Arty first claimed the cookies to be “Fortune cookies of DOOM!” And when he tricked Butler and Juliet.
The cake thing was pretty funny too. I’d totaly feel the same way. XD
August 11th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
that… was… hilarious!!! i loved it! obvoiously u like twilight. ive seen u before on forums.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
keep updating.but so far I luv it!!hahahaha
August 29th, 2007 at 1:49 am
I love it! It’s so funny! Write some more!
September 8th, 2007 at 12:35 am
luv it luv it luv it! add more more more!
September 29th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
This is good
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:07 am
ahhhhhhhhhh its been WEEKS!!!!!! I LIKE POTATOES!!!!
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:57 am
So like, when are you like going to add more?
October 4th, 2007 at 4:38 am
very, very sorry.
I will definitely add more the minute my teachers stop their insane competition to see who can hand out the most homework.
October 4th, 2007 at 9:37 am
thank god my techers don’t do that competiton lol
October 5th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
I agree with Artemis that they are unhealthy and they taste like carboard(shudders at the flashback when her sister forced her to eat the cookie). But I am Chinese and I am slightly offended at that comment.
October 6th, 2007 at 1:17 am
ur chinese? awsome!
October 6th, 2007 at 3:40 am
strange though, I have always known fortune cookies to be from america.if im wrong dont think im stupid!!! also strange,I KINDA LIKE THEM….
October 6th, 2007 at 5:03 am
To Holly Short 99999999:
I’m sorry! My intention was not to offend anyone and I am very sorry if I did. Fortune cookies are sort of unhealthy, but I guess they don’t taste like cardboard and I’m very sorry if that comment offends anyone.
October 6th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Well, fortune cookies are from America, but you know that you fortune cookies from Chinese restaurants, right? They might even have Chinese words on them. To lil.arty, you think that me being Chinese is awesome? I think so to, but for this reason, people like to cheat of my paper. They say the reason why I am so smart is because I am Chinese! That has nothing to do with that! To Moonlite Knight, it is okay. I still think this story is great! Keep writing!
October 7th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
OK that is stupid people are so near sighted in the world today some kid from New Jersey thought that all wisconsin people were farmers!!
October 17th, 2007 at 1:05 am
Nobody is on this thing! here it is only 4:00! (pm)
November 11th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
wow i lov this , luv it , i seroiusly have soooo much to relate to it , actully.. . i used to wacth this t.v show were the moon lite knite was a carecter i loved that show , it had a charecter named artemis in it. ( a boy cat named artemis ) and also , y did they give him that music , idk anyone named haroon …. why is everyone going crazy . By the way , I THOUGHT artemis knew every language anyway…. i luv this story plllllzzzzzzzzz continue!
November 11th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Do u know gnomish? It is very easy!
go on RUNESCAPE!
November 12th, 2007 at 2:33 am
To mahi101:
Which show are you talking about? I just made up the name Moonlite Knight because I’m really interested in the Middle Ages (espically Knights) and magic and nature, espically astronomy(hence Moonlite) Plus I thought it sounded cool.
As for the music, there’s a reason his parentssent him that and you’ll find out when my teachers stop trying to drown their students in h/w. Haroon is a Pakistani singer, so unless you from Pakistan, you’ve don’t know him. U can look him up on Wikipedia if u’re still interested.
In my opionioon, it is impossible for someone to know all the languages of the world, there are well over a thousand.
I will continue as soon as I can, I promise!
November 27th, 2007 at 12:57 am
:)
Hurry! I just new this story wasn’t over!!!!
November 27th, 2007 at 12:59 am
how many chapys will there b?
November 27th, 2007 at 1:19 am
Guys, stay on topic! And don’t post two comments in a row, unless there is a new chapter to comment on.
Your story was hilarious, and very well written. The title through me off, after I read it I rechecked the title and I thought that it sounded a little off… something I’d expect to be badly written, but it was very good. Your style made it flow, make sense, and be funny at the same time! Keep up the good work!
November 27th, 2007 at 2:42 am
moonlite knite- I reread the story and no new chapters? WRITE NOW! And yeah , I am from pakistan so i should know that , Well , I guess i don’t really pay attnetion to pakistan that much ( taht’s really bad , my parents r ganna kill me!) The moonlight Knightis a person in the english version of sailor moon, ( oh well , the name does sound way kool!) Actully… I think i have a CD of Haroon’s songs… but I don’t listen to it…yeah speaking of that I just metioned to my mother about Haroon and she’s like “Mahi!! you know taht’s a great name! we could name the baby that if it’s a boy!!” ( Yes she is pregnant….)
December 17th, 2007 at 5:31 am
NICE!!! I hate puberty! HA!
December 17th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
lol…. but YOU NEED TO CONTINUE!!! whenever I check there is nothing more written!! you need to continue this!
January 6th, 2008 at 9:44 am
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Sorry about that. I had to let out my excitement. I was practically hyperventilating! Okay. Maybe I exaggerated a little. I did wonder when you were going to update this story. It is interesting. I wonder what happens next. *grins evilly at the thought of what I think will happen next*
January 6th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
its good.
January 8th, 2008 at 12:24 am
What happened??!?!
January 13th, 2008 at 10:58 am
well, the story was nice
its been really long since u wrote it
hehhehe
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 pm
good upd8.
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:23 am
he he he I want to read that fortune!
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:40 am
Ha! I like it!
February 21st, 2008 at 5:09 am
Innocent? I think not! Since when have those nasty, evil little things been innocent? They are evil! Sorry. I might have a hunch on what happens next. I might be right, I might be wrong.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am
So I anderstant that Arty will fall in love with Anar? In their trip someting will be stolen? The left fortune cookie will be for the happy ending, seing somting about that every ting will bee okey,that they (Arty and Anar) will manage to bee togeder?
If it’s not then tfik of this as a sugestions.