Artemis Fowl and the Fortune Cookies of Doom
Written on May 21st, 2007 by Moonlite KnightStory Details
(38 votes, average: 3.97 out of 5)
Loading ...Artemis glared at the bag of fortune cookies on the table.
Who in name of all the greatest Mud Men ever to walk the earth would believe that a bag of fortune cookies would make a suitable birthday present for a boy genius?
He really hoped it wasn’t Holly who had sent him such a foul gift. If it was Holly, she would most likely murder him for not adoring her present.
Artemis knew for certain that it was not from Butler, Juliet, or his parents.
Butler had given him a popular teen love story called Twilight.
(Artemis couldn’t believe that Butler actually expected him to read that type of mind numbing material. Not that he would EVER say that out loud. There were 101 ways that Butler could kill him using only his hands. Ulp).
Juliet had given him a video game called Golden Sun.
(The game actually appeared to be slightly intriguing. He may actually try playing the game. No, scratch that. He would only play the game when he was sure Juliet or Butler were nowhere is sight).
Artemis’s parents, for some unexplainable reason, had given him a dozen CDs by different Pakistani singers.
(Artemis was now positive that his parents were losing their sense of reason. Their worldwide tour was surely downplaying their thinking capacity. How could they honestly believe that he would listen to music by someone called Haroon? He did not even understand Urdu or Punjabi! Unfortunately, his parents knew that he could become fluent in both languages in less than 24 hours, if he really wished to. Great, now he had no excuse not to listen to the CDs).
Foaly would not be sending Artemis a birthday present. Most likely, he was sore about the puppy incident.
(Artemis still claimed that he had no idea that Foaly was terrified of puppies. Unsurprisingly, no one believed Artemis. Oh well, it didn’t really matter since Artemis had known about the centaur’s irrational fear when he sent that virus).
Butler couldn’t help but smile at Artemis’s suspicious glare towards the perfectly innocent bag of fortune cookies.
“Artemis, just open the bag and eat one already,” he said, highly amused and unable to stop smiling.
“But Butler, fortune cookies are foretellers of doom!” Artemis replied in a serious tone, not once looking away from the bag.
Butler choked and nearly fell down. He looked at his young charge in shock.
Had the strain of being a genius finally caused Artemis’s mind to snap?
“Artemis,” Butler said, in a kindly tone. “How in the world did you reason that out?”
“Simple really.” Artemis replied, unaware that Butler feared for his mind.
“The ‘fortunes’ in the cookies are the only reason people buy these cookies. I mean who would buy these cookies just to eat them, they taste like cardboard.” He shuddered in disgust.
“And the fortunes are NEVER valid or even reasonable. But many weak-minded fools believe these words of wisdom and try to force their fortunes to come true, ending up in an unfortunate situation.”
Before Butler could think of something to counter that illogical reasoning, Juliet practically broke down the door charging into the room.
“Hey Arty, Dom, guess what?!” she squealed, jumping up and down.
“I have no time to engage in such immature guessing games, Juliet.” Artemis replied, still eyeing the bag warily.
Butler looked at the teens in despair.
Juliet was jumping up and down, squealing as if she had just learned that her all time favorite wrestlers were coming to town.
Artemis was still behaving as if the fortune cookies were conspiring to kill him.
Butler shook his head sadly. His two best friends had lost their minds.
“I give up Juliet,” he said in the same tone he had used on Artemis. “What is it?”
“Oh, you won’t believe it, Dom!” Juliet was practically delirious with happiness.
Ohhhh! I BAKED a cake!”
Artemis and Butler simultaneously turned their heads toward Juliet; their mouths fell open in astonishment.
“A cake?” Artemis said in disbelief, his vast store of vocabulary temporarily deserting him.
“You are that happy just because you baked a cake?”
“Yeah, isn’t that just awesome!”Juliet sighed happily, oblivious to the fact that Artemis and Butler thought that she had lost her mid.
Butler was seriously worried now.
Was there some type of disease going around that only effected teens?
“Juliet, exactly why is that such a good thing?” Butler asked his sister.
Juliet snapped out of her happy bubble. She turned and looked at her older brother in disbelief.
“Dom, I actually was able to bake a cake without burning down Fowl Manor, destroying the kitchen, or being interrupted by a crazy fairy or assassin that wants to kill Artemis! Also, it’s Arty’s birthday, so that just makes my achievement greater!”
“Don’t call me Arty,” was Artemis’s only response as he turned back towards the evil fortune cookies.
“Man, Arty, it’s your birthday! Can’t you…What’s up with that bag? Are those fortune cookies?” Juliet was practically jumping up and down again.
“Ohhh! Artemis, open one!”
“Shh!”
Butler shushed his sister, glancing quickly at Artemis who was still locked in a one-way staring contest.
“Artemis thinks the cookies are evil.”
“What!” Juliet exclaimed. “Artemis is afraid of fortune cookies!”
Artemis abruptly broke the staring contest and turned to give Juliet his best vampire glare.
“I am NOT afraid.”
“Prove it.” She goaded him, delighted to have something over Artemis.
“Crack a cookie, eat it, and read the fortune.”
The room was silent as everyone stared at the boy genius.
“Fine.”
Some other stories by Moonlite Knight:
- Update
- If I Told You I Loved You...
- Boredom is a Powerful Weapon
- ¤Ο¤Holiday Blues ¤Ο¤
- I Don't Like Lollipops
54 Reviews for “Artemis Fowl and the Fortune Cookies of Doom”
Share Your Thoughts
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:52 am
Haha, it’s funny! I like it.
Is this an A/H? That’s what I thought at first, then you said green eyes.
And I love the book Twilight by the way!
May 22nd, 2007 at 2:02 am
Ooh, I still have to read that…
Anyway, I like this too- very funny. And, unusually for something so funny, the characters are barely OOC. I can’t wait for the rest.
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:26 am
oh this is so interesting
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:33 am
IT’S OK………
4 NOW
May 23rd, 2007 at 8:07 am
i thought at first is was a A/H but when the whole green eyes thing came i totaly obiouse that its not…..but ya its an awsomee story add more quick plz
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:15 pm
It’s great! I’m not getting a headache, as there is ACTUAL PUNCTUATION! OMG.
I’m guessing it’s going to be A/OC.
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:54 pm
AWESOME, and i enjoy the fact that thismight be M/A because of the whole love of Arty’s life, and the green eyes thing. ^_^
May 23rd, 2007 at 11:10 pm
Please keep writing! ^-^
May 26th, 2007 at 3:25 am
Puh-leaze update soon!
May 26th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
PLEASE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Using mesmer to force you to write more* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……..(realizes that he is stil typing)
May 27th, 2007 at 1:24 am
really funny please cont.
May 28th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Dom - you wrote exactly the same thing on my fic.
May 28th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Yeah, well, I don’t have many ‘Holy $#!+ this is good! Write more. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ review ideas.
May 29th, 2007 at 2:44 am
That’s good. Because according to the article How To Write a Good Review, in the archive’s ‘help and how to’ section, you should not be writing those kinds of reviews anyway. Try to elaborate on why you liked the story, maybe even add some constructive criticism. And DON’T just type ‘update!’ because the author will update in his/her own time. I mean, three ‘update!’ reviews in a row? It’s completely unnecessary.
I don’t mean to pick on you, Domovi- Almost all of your reviews are really good, and I’m glad you’re commenting, just try to contribute with your comments please. This was for everybody,because almost everybody’s been writing comments like that- you just don’t see many of them because they get deleted.
So consider this a warning, everyone: Make sure your reviews are actually reviews.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:49 am
I still think this story is awesome. The characters are in character (well, who knows about Juliet, as if she can manage to cut up vegetables and make cordon bleu she must be able to make a cake) and it has a good (albeit weird) plot.
May 31st, 2007 at 9:21 am
one quesstion…..why would juliet get over happy over baking a cake?
June 1st, 2007 at 9:50 pm
Because, well, let’s just say that, at Artemis’s last buisness meeting, he planned on poisoning the people by tainting the cake, but, Juliet was cooking, and, let’s just say, the appetizer got to them first……………………………….
June 6th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
luv it. i couldn’t stop laughing.
great work!!!!
June 20th, 2007 at 3:55 am
Fortune cookies? XD This thing rules! Write more!
My 2 favorite parts? When dear little Arty first claimed the cookies to be “Fortune cookies of DOOM!” And when he tricked Butler and Juliet.
The cake thing was pretty funny too. I’d totaly feel the same way. XD
August 11th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
that… was… hilarious!!! i loved it! obvoiously u like twilight. ive seen u before on forums.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
keep updating.but so far I luv it!!hahahaha
August 29th, 2007 at 1:49 am
I love it! It’s so funny! Write some more!
September 8th, 2007 at 12:35 am
luv it luv it luv it! add more more more!
September 29th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
This is good
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:07 am
ahhhhhhhhhh its been WEEKS!!!!!! I LIKE POTATOES!!!!
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:57 am
So like, when are you like going to add more?
October 4th, 2007 at 4:38 am
very, very sorry.
I will definitely add more the minute my teachers stop their insane competition to see who can hand out the most homework.
October 4th, 2007 at 9:37 am
thank god my techers don’t do that competiton lol
October 5th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
I agree with Artemis that they are unhealthy and they taste like carboard(shudders at the flashback when her sister forced her to eat the cookie). But I am Chinese and I am slightly offended at that comment.
October 6th, 2007 at 1:17 am
ur chinese? awsome!
October 6th, 2007 at 3:40 am
strange though, I have always known fortune cookies to be from america.if im wrong dont think im stupid!!! also strange,I KINDA LIKE THEM….
October 6th, 2007 at 5:03 am
To Holly Short 99999999:
I’m sorry! My intention was not to offend anyone and I am very sorry if I did. Fortune cookies are sort of unhealthy, but I guess they don’t taste like cardboard and I’m very sorry if that comment offends anyone.
October 6th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Well, fortune cookies are from America, but you know that you fortune cookies from Chinese restaurants, right? They might even have Chinese words on them. To lil.arty, you think that me being Chinese is awesome? I think so to, but for this reason, people like to cheat of my paper. They say the reason why I am so smart is because I am Chinese! That has nothing to do with that! To Moonlite Knight, it is okay. I still think this story is great! Keep writing!
October 7th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
OK that is stupid people are so near sighted in the world today some kid from New Jersey thought that all wisconsin people were farmers!!
October 17th, 2007 at 1:05 am
Nobody is on this thing! here it is only 4:00! (pm)
November 11th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
wow i lov this , luv it , i seroiusly have soooo much to relate to it , actully.. . i used to wacth this t.v show were the moon lite knite was a carecter i loved that show , it had a charecter named artemis in it. ( a boy cat named artemis ) and also , y did they give him that music , idk anyone named haroon …. why is everyone going crazy . By the way , I THOUGHT artemis knew every language anyway…. i luv this story plllllzzzzzzzzz continue!
November 11th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Do u know gnomish? It is very easy!
go on RUNESCAPE!
November 12th, 2007 at 2:33 am
To mahi101:
Which show are you talking about? I just made up the name Moonlite Knight because I’m really interested in the Middle Ages (espically Knights) and magic and nature, espically astronomy(hence Moonlite) Plus I thought it sounded cool.
As for the music, there’s a reason his parentssent him that and you’ll find out when my teachers stop trying to drown their students in h/w. Haroon is a Pakistani singer, so unless you from Pakistan, you’ve don’t know him. U can look him up on Wikipedia if u’re still interested.
In my opionioon, it is impossible for someone to know all the languages of the world, there are well over a thousand.
I will continue as soon as I can, I promise!
November 27th, 2007 at 12:57 am
:)
Hurry! I just new this story wasn’t over!!!!
November 27th, 2007 at 12:59 am
how many chapys will there b?
November 27th, 2007 at 1:19 am
Guys, stay on topic! And don’t post two comments in a row, unless there is a new chapter to comment on.
Your story was hilarious, and very well written. The title through me off, after I read it I rechecked the title and I thought that it sounded a little off… something I’d expect to be badly written, but it was very good. Your style made it flow, make sense, and be funny at the same time! Keep up the good work!
November 27th, 2007 at 2:42 am
moonlite knite- I reread the story and no new chapters? WRITE NOW! And yeah , I am from pakistan so i should know that , Well , I guess i don’t really pay attnetion to pakistan that much ( taht’s really bad , my parents r ganna kill me!) The moonlight Knightis a person in the english version of sailor moon, ( oh well , the name does sound way kool!) Actully… I think i have a CD of Haroon’s songs… but I don’t listen to it…yeah speaking of that I just metioned to my mother about Haroon and she’s like “Mahi!! you know taht’s a great name! we could name the baby that if it’s a boy!!” ( Yes she is pregnant….)
December 17th, 2007 at 5:31 am
NICE!!! I hate puberty! HA!
December 17th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
lol…. but YOU NEED TO CONTINUE!!! whenever I check there is nothing more written!! you need to continue this!
January 6th, 2008 at 9:44 am
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Sorry about that. I had to let out my excitement. I was practically hyperventilating! Okay. Maybe I exaggerated a little. I did wonder when you were going to update this story. It is interesting. I wonder what happens next. *grins evilly at the thought of what I think will happen next*
January 6th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
its good.
January 8th, 2008 at 12:24 am
What happened??!?!
January 13th, 2008 at 10:58 am
well, the story was nice
its been really long since u wrote it
hehhehe
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 pm
good upd8.
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:23 am
he he he I want to read that fortune!
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:40 am
Ha! I like it!
February 21st, 2008 at 5:09 am
Innocent? I think not! Since when have those nasty, evil little things been innocent? They are evil! Sorry. I might have a hunch on what happens next. I might be right, I might be wrong.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am
So I anderstant that Arty will fall in love with Anar? In their trip someting will be stolen? The left fortune cookie will be for the happy ending, seing somting about that every ting will bee okey,that they (Arty and Anar) will manage to bee togeder?
If it’s not then tfik of this as a sugestions.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
ooooooooooooo
I love it.
Well, where did they go?
And is Anar a human or a Fairy?
This is great! Update, please.