Disclaimer:I don’t own any of the characters.
I know a lot of people don’t like Minerva. But having Artemis married to Holly seemed like a really bad idea, I wanted this to be about a human. Plus, Holly is ancient. *looks out window* *sees Minerva-haters and A/H shippers* Um, I have to leave now…
Artemis Fowl III walked into her room, feeling very disgruntled over the day’s work. Stupid internet people. Place false information on Wikipedia* and then lead her a merry chase all over the web to a blank page. She stopped when she noticed her desk. And then she screamed.
Julius Mulch Butler chuckled softly from his vantage point in the air vent. He wished he had taped that one. Steal a few robotic parts, do surgery on a couple of rubber snakes, and you have a perfect prank. Of course, there would be repercussions, but he had already planned for that.
Holly Fowl was very surprised when her father, Artemis Fowl II walked in. Extremely surprised. Even more surprised when he reached to the bottom of the lowest drawer in her dresser and retrieved several robotic parts, a pair of scissors, and a rubbber snake. And then turned and said to Julius,”I believe I have found your missing science project.”Artemis paused, and continued,”What was it on again? Oh, yes. How to make girls scream. I also believe that you have reached your goal. You understand that I will be sending an email to your parents?” He then left, taking Julius along.
It’s a real shame that he’s a genius,thought Julius,I might have gotten away with it. Artemis dragged him into the kitchen, and instructed him to take out the trash. Artemis would have told him to do something else as well, but that was when all the exits sealed.
Artemis Fowl III was in her father’s study, watching the security cameras. She just had time to see all the exits from the house close, and a blurry figure before all the screens shut off. A quick check showed the internet was down as well. And the phone. Great, thought Artemis, stuck in a house with no communication, two genius parents, one prankster, one crazy sister, and a tank of fish. But she had forgotten the fairy equipment hidden in a suit case, under a floorboard with a trunk on top of it, in the secret attic.
Holly Fowl was not crazy. She merely had a vivid imagination and prepared for every possibility. So she trained every day in case of an adventure. She had taken to exploring the attic, and she had found the secret attic last year. She had found the loose floorboard soon after, and the LEP had been receiving mystery calls from one Holly Fowl ever since. Which was why they received another one as soon as she could find a helmet. It went sort of like this,”Help! I’m trapped in a mansion with two genius parents, one prankster, one genius sister, and a tank of fish!” Of course they sent someone to investigate immediately. That someone was one Captain Ivy Kelp.
Ivy was very annoyed. Her first mission as a captain in the LEP was investigating either a prank or a glitch. As she arrived at the shuttleport the paranoid centaur Foaly informed her that she was doing a great service to everyone in Haven and that this mission was of vital importance. Several techies burst out laughing on the spot. Wonderful, thought Ivy, This day is going exactly as planned. She took a flare up to the surface and quickly flew to the spot Foaly had traced the call to. “I would say this is quite a coincidence”, Foaly said into her earpiece,”This mansion is the current residence of Artemis Fowl II, Minerva Fowl, Artemis Fowl III, Julius Mulch Butler, and Holly Fowl.” “Well then, I think we’ve found what we’re looking for”, Ivy replied, as she dove just in time to see another winged figure go speeding off. Foaly gasped. “Who was that?” “I don’t know, but we should find out soon”, Ivy said.
Julius Mulch Butler was very surprised that the door seemingly opened itself. And when he saw the fairy that opened it. He decided he should probably tell someone. But it seemed that he had suddenly lost the ability to form complete words. And Artemis Fowl III found him in the doorway gibbering at an elf.
As Artemis Fowl III escorted their odd visitor in, she wondered why the elf had even come. They had no communications. Then her sister came running down the stairs, wearing a helmet rather like the fairy’s, except it looked to be several years older. That would be the LEP helmet I found reference to in Daddy’s computer files, thought Artemis. He should have made a more challenging password. She was surprised to find her parents were not anywhere in the house. Maybe they were kidnapped, thought Artemis, to her own surprise.
When the girl, who Foaly said was Artemis Fowl III, informed her that the only adults in the house had either been kidnapped or escaped without anyone else, Ivy Kelp immediately assumed they had been kidnapped. But there were more pressing matters to attend to, such as their rogue fairy friend. “I saw someone flying away as I landed”, Ivy explained, “and I wondered if you caught anything on a security camera.” Artemis immediately replied,”Yes, follow me.” They walked into what appeared to be a study, and Artemis played the footage, stopping just before the screens had turned off. A figure appeared on the screen. “That’s Nirvim, a demon from Hybras. Bright fellow. Apparently he was mesmerized by Abbot, but we only have his word and the word of the doctors who reversed it, one of which is one Jerbal Argon, who managed to let Opal Koboi escape, remember.”Foaly recited into her ear. “But what would he want with Artemis and Minerva Fowl?”Ivy asked. “Possibly revenge”, Foaly replied,”But they are genii, and as such he may want them to formulate a plan to bring Abbot back out of the guinea pig.” Ivy explained the situation to Artemis. She nodded as if she had any idea what a demon was and who Abbot was. Ivy figured she had hacked her father’s computer and found the whole story there. Artemis then requested to be left alone for a while. Foaly informed Ivy that this was just like Artemis II.
When Artemis III came out of the study, she called everyone to the kitchen table. She handed an LEP helmet to Julius, and he asked, “Why don’t you have one?” “My head is to large”, Artemis replied. Julius decided not to make a smart remark this time. She then proceeded to explain the plan:”We can probably trace this demon to his residence. Ivy, Holly, and Julius, you say you’re surveyors for the new LEP cabin and you have to make sure that his house isn’t to large and they won’t accidentally break it and build through the wall. I can’t go, because I’m to big to pass as a fairy. Then you simply measure his house inside and out, and see if you can’t find any secret passage-ways or suspicious hidey-holes. If you do, search them and see if you can’t find Mother and Daddy, that would give you an excuse to arrest him. Understood?” Miles underground, Foaly nodded.
Ivy used the mesmer to put them to sleep and then draped them in cam-foil and flew to E1, Tara. From there she took a shuttle down to Haven. Foaly was there to greet them. He immediately informed Ivy that Nirvim didn’t have the ability to shield. “And if he wasn’t completely covered in cam-foil, he’ll be all over the internet by tomorrow morning.” Foaly groaned.”As if my job wasn’t already hard enough!” “What, sitting in your office twiddling your thumbs is hard?”Ivy retorted. Then Ivy remembered what she was supposed to be doing and said,”Let’s continue this conversation elsewhere, I have mud children to move.”
Artemis Fowl III wasn’t very pleased when she awoke. “Why couldn’t you have just asked me to drive to E1, I know where it is!” Ivy replied,”Well, I didn’t know that, did I. Anyway, the others don’t know where it is. It must be kept a secret, as you well know.” Then Holly sat up yelling,”Not the cheese pizza!” “Well, there’s a conversation stopper.”said Artemis. When everyone was awake Foaly told them where the residence of Nirvim was. “The perfect place, to”,he said,”there isn’t an LEP cabin for quite a ways, so it would be perfectly logical to set one up there.”
Ivy transported Julius, Holly, and herself to the area of Haven where Foaly had traced Nirvim to. When they arrived at Nirvim’s door, a message was playing on his buzzer, “I have gone to Atlantis for a conference, please leave a message and I will get back to you when I return.”
“He made a mistake”,said Julius,”I think he meant get back at you when he returns.”
Artemis paced the room.
“I’m stumped”, she complained,”If we barge in there he will immediately shoot Mother and Daddy, we can’t go in innocently, because he has a message saying he’s away and he won’t answer the door.”
“What?” Holly asked rather loudly. She was currently blasting all of her favorite songs through headphones. Artemis knew that the headphones would soon break, leaving Holly with no iPod. Holly seemed to rely on her iPod for happiness. When she was 70, Artemis giggled, she would rely on her hearing aid for sound. Knowing this, Artemis yanked Holly’s headphones off and repeated herself very loudly.
“Ouch”, Holly said,”You didn’t have to yell.”
At that moment Foaly came into the room, along with several pounds of equipment and said,”I’ve run scans on this Nirvim’s residence, and I have drawn up a plan of the building. The easiest route to your parents, Artemis, is to go through the ground. And I have just the person to do it. Except we have to track him down first. And that won’t be easy. He’s a really slippery character.”
Mulch Diggums burst up out of the ground, and shook the mud from his bum-flap. Then he regretted standing up. The backyard he had burst into was rather crowded. It was fortunate he had tunneled up behind a large bush. He crept around the side of the yard, being careful to stay hidden. He snuck in the side door. Ten minutes later he was tunneling away, and Mr. and Mrs. Donald McFurrow’s valuable diamond doorknob was missing.
When Mulch Diggums surfaced in his own backyard, he was surprised to see Holly Short hovering on the lawn. And she looked younger.
“No”, said a voice from behind him,”That’s me.” Mulch spun around, and there were humans on his porch. Three humans, to be exact. There was a girl with shoulder-length black hair and a frown surveying the lawn in disgust, a shorter girl with long blond hair wrapped into a bun on the top of her head listening to music turned up until he could hear it through her headphones, and a boy with red hair trying to comb it down.
“Honestly, how do you live in such filth?” the black-haired girl asked.
“You sure this is the guy we’re looking for?”the boy asked the elf, whose name-tag Mulch could now see said ‘Captain Ivy Kelp’.
“Yes”, said Ivy. With those words she swung her fist into Mulch’s forehead, and the world faded to black.
Mulch Diggums woke to a distracted Mud Girl almost sitting on his head.
“Hey, watch it! I just washed my hair!” Mulch shouted. The black-haired Mud Girl turned from a giant screen showing a live feed from a completely uninteresting stretch of tunnel.
“She can’t hear you, she’s blasting ‘music’ through those headphones. And by the way, if you stuff beetles and doorknobs into your hair, it won’t stay clean for long.” the girl said.
“I can so hear you!” the blond girl shouted. Then she swore colorfully.
Mulch was immediately alert.
“What did you do with the doorknob!?”
“Oh, we returned it to it’s rightful owners. You really should get over that bad habit of yours. It isn’t nice to steal, you know.” said the elf as she walked into the room. “I see the stinky one has awakened.”
“You said it. Pee-yew!” said Foaly as he walked in behind the elf. “I suppose you are wondering who my young friends are.” He pointed at the black-haired Mud Girl. “This is Artemis Fowl.”
“…the third.” Foaly pointed at the Mud Girl with blond hair. “This is her sister, Holly. And…” He pointed at the Mud Boy. “…this is Julius Mulch Butler.”
“Julius Mulch Butler? Why not Mulch Julius Butler?”
“You can gloat later.” the elf snapped.
“Who’s that?” Mulch asked Foaly.
“I think I can tell you that.” the elf interjected. “I am Captain Ivy Kelp.”
“I think that’s enough chit-chat, let’s get down to business.” Foaly announced.
“What is it this time?” Mulch asked.
“Oh, nothing much. You only need to tunnel into Nirvim the demon’s building and save Artemis Fowl II and Minerva Fowl.”
“Yep. Nothing much. What’s in it for me?”
Mulch grumbled as he dug deeper and deeper into the ground. But, as the calming effect of the clay washed over him, he fell silent. Soon he was creeping over a dirt floor. Suddenly, Mulch heard voices. As he turned a corner, Mulch came into full view of the people. Mulch stared in amazement. There was Artemis II, and Minerva! There was also a demon sitting with them. They were chatting with each other and acting perfectly friendly.
“So, they weren’t kidnapped!”Holly announced happily.
Artemis III groaned,”I should have found this encrypted, coded, secret message left in Father’s email sooner! I’m such an imbecile. How can I live with myself from now on?”
“I know I can’t live with you from now on”,Julius mumbled.
*Footnote: Yes, Artemis Fowl III does read the encyclopedia for fun.
So, how is it? My first fanfic, finally finished! YAY! HAPPY TIME! LOLLIPOPS FOR EVERYBODY!