Last edit was April 12, 2013. You know what else happened in 2013? AFI released Burials. You know what’s happening now? AFI is releasing the blood album. It’s 2016, year of the Falcon and year of the Artemis Fowl fandom reunion!! Time for a gosh-darn update. Who was in this again? Where were we? Ah, let’s see…
You know this thing is deader than dead could be so I’m gonna do whatever the heckle I want to it, alright kids? LET’S GET THIS THING STARTED RAAAAAAHH
This doesnt’ deserve a new chapter but it’s a new update so it gets one
Also it’s almost 2 am on a weeknight.
Artemis stared forlornly out the single window in the cabin’s kitchen/dining/living room. How did this happen?
He’d done a reality check or two, and they all checked out. If he was dreaming, he was doing so very intensely. But then, he was a Fowl! Whatever had just happened, he would find a way out of it, with profit. Step one, a list of assets.
There wasn’t much. He had his suit, and the meager contents of his pockets. He was drowsy and couldn’t think right, more than just over-tiredness, more like being drugged after a surgery. He had some chocolate covered espresso beans, a laser pointer (blue), and a reciept for a… something called “kiss me keychain” for three dollars. He reached into his other pocket, the one he used less. Sure enough, there was a small, plain keychain that said “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.” He didn’t remember buying that, or allowing anyone to sneak it in his pocket. What else did he forget?
There was a kind of squeak to his left, and it sounded a bit like “WHOA!” He turned– there was a girl there, hand over her mouth, eyes red from exhaustion.
“Can I help you?” he asked, much cooler than he felt. Maybe that was because of the drugs. Were there drugs? Ugh.
“C-Can I help you?” the girl shot back, gradually regaining her composure. Why was she so scared? Artemis wondered. It’s her fault I’m here. He recognized her vaguely from the airport.
“Yes,” Artemis replied. Come on genius brain, kick in, hurry now. “Why am I here? I’d like to know my rights.”
“You don’t have any, basically,” called a voice down the hall. A door opened, and Star (though Artemis didn’t know her, and vice versa) stepped out. “This is kind of far-fetched, dude, but you don’t, like, belong in this universe. We’re here to like, send you home and all.” Yawn.
“How did you know that?” asked CrazyChick.
“I read up while you guys were away. He’s not the only anamoly by the way! There had to have been something to bring him into existence from another timeline but whoever built it was clever enough to hide it from our sensors.” CC didn’t inquire further, because that sounded a lot like a cheap plot device.
Speaking of cheap plot devices, there was suddenly the sound of animals squabbling in the hall. Maybe I forgot to mention this, but Short and Falcon were both, uh, what’s the word. Like werewolves. But since neither of them like the idea of only using their fursonas on a full moon they can just change whenever, and since I need a great way to introduce them they’re animals right now fighting in the hall because in this fic they’re both too young to know they’re both actually gay and are having the most intense bromance ever. A/N No hom0
Artemis did another reality check. Was that a… Wolf? With wings? Fighting a… oh goodness, an Aplomado falcon? What horrid alternate reality had he been beamed into?
As the animals got closer, there was a squeak from the kitchen. What kind of–
–was that a person in the cupboard?
“Wugh you guYS–” said Ckat.
The falcon instantly transformed back into a human, guess which one. “Cripes, Ckat, it’s your first night here and you’re already asleep in the places you shouldn’t be.”
“Y’awl didn’t give me a bed.” Ckat, the crew noted, was especially groggy, perhaps because she’d been sleeping among the… was there anything stored in there? Probably not, best not to think about it. Slowly, Ckat stood up. She looked pretty out of balance. Star, the only decent (and awake) human being in the room for the moment, walked over to help her stand.
Leaning on Star for support, Ckat pointed groggily (very groggily) at the newcomer. “Ha, ha. That guy looks like Artemis Fowl.”
Short transformed into her humanoid self just so she could say “Whoa, he really does.”
Artemis Fowl performed his third reality check.
“Wait,” Star said, supporting Ckat almost entirely now, “that makes sense, if you heard what I said earlier.”
“Wait, so you’re the real Artemis Fowl?” CrazyChick said, a little excited. Artemis paled (because somehow his skin could indeed get paler). He was never a good liar. His ears were ringing, when did that start? “Artemis Fowl the second, boy genius. Should have known, ha!” CC finished.
“What book is he from?” somebody asked.
“Look at his eyes.” Even Ckat was interested enough to stand up and the whole group began subconsciously walking toward him.
Now Artemis understood. This had to be the afterlife, a terrible purgatory, for there was no worse hell than– than fangirls. And the author of this fanfic wasn’t even going to ship him with any of them that’s how much he hated fangirls.
They kept asking questions, to him and each other, walking slowly forward as another plot device to get him closer to the window. His head really hurt now.
“Can we see your eyes?”
“I think that one’s green-ish.”
“Dude, I can’t tell, green and blue are both really intense colors.”
“Look at his hands then, right?”
Artemis instinctively hid his hands and took a step closer to the window.
“Just let me see them for a second–” said Short, reaching for his hand. She was usually quite likeable, but Artemis was desperate and literally cornered, and since fate had placed him in such a strange situation, he did something out of character: he grabbed Short’s shoulders, spun her around, and threw her out the window behind him.
“Bruh,” said Falcon.
Ckat leaned forward out the hole in the window. “Holy explicative!” She started to stumble to the front door.
“It’s okay,” said CrazyChick. “You don’t know Short like we do; her Mary-Sue powers will save her.”
“Who is Mary Sue?” Artemis asked ooc-ly.
Your mom, thought everyone at once.
“Look, she’s coming back up,” said Star, who hadn’t had a line in a while.
Sure enough, a massive pair of runed black wings emerged in the window frame, attached to a largely unspectacular wolf fursona.
“Woof woof woof woof,” said the wolf fursona.
“You forget the author has restricted your abilities as a wolf,” said CrazyChick.
“Woof,” the wolf replied thankfully, changing back into Short. “What I MEANT to say is that we’re a government funded agency so it’s going to take us literally years to repair that window.”
“Bureaucracy, man,” Falcon said solemnly, intentionally giving herself the best line.
Artemis subconsciously ground his teeth. A/N I forgot what he does when he’s nervous so here’s a stand-in. These people knew more than he expected. The rules here were different. No matter, he could adapt… but it would take longer. He wondered if his cell phone would work.
“By the way,” Short added, “his eyes are both blue. His skin is soft, but he’s too tall to be just a kid– I reckon he’s an artifact of The Last Guardian.”
Star whistled slowly. “That book wasn’t even out when this fanfic was started.
Fal looked directly into the camera and winked. “A/N No spoilers. Promise.”
Next scene is gonna be a villain scene… they’re with Foaly right?