Let me tell you a story. Maybe you’ve heard it before.
Once upon a time, there was a boy. He was quite crazy. He ate lollipops and Ice Cream, and loved a princess named Holly. And here was the queerest thing-he lived in the mind of a genius prodigy called Artemis Fowl. Somehow, he found his way onto the world wide web. And then…he found a site called AF fan-fiction. And on it, he wrote many, many stories. His name was Orion. Orion Fowl.
I’m BACK! Insanity never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, -and lemme just chuck this in here- EVER dies!!!! LOLLIPOPS AND CHOCOLATE FUDGE!!! And just in time for Christmas, I’m bringing you…
All Because of an Owl: A Harry Potter/AF Crossover!!!
HO, HO, HO,AND MERRY CHRIIISTMAS…and Lollipops, I guess.
Chapter One, Part One: In which an Owl flies through a window, Artemis makes a nasty comment about trolls, I am very sarcastic , Artemis seduces Holly Short, the previous statement is proved to be the biggest white lie ever told, and Orion laughs madly at you sad, sad fools. Also, more than 12% of the plot is revealed in this run-on paragraph…maybe. CELERY AND ICE CREEEAM!!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, The Main Hall, exactly 13 years after the events in The Deathly Hallows.
Artemis glanced doubtfully at the hat, then at Headmaster Mcgonagall. The old woman nodded. Not for the first time, Artemis wondered if this might not be some type of School for the severely demented…run by the severely demented. The spells had looked real enough, but anything could be faked these days.
But how would the demented get their hands on that kind of technology..Artemis wondered vaguely.
He glanced at the hat again, then out at the sea of expecting eyes. Over at the Slytherin table, a boy laughed, not even trying to hide it. Artemis scowled, and angrily jammed the hat over his head in a fluid motion.
Why, hello there…Artemis Fowl. Artemis blinked. The hat was talking to him. A bloody hat was talking to him.
Well, fancy that.
Fowl Manor, Ireland, 2011, 4 days earlier.
Tap, tap tap.
There it was again. Artemis opened the door. There was no one in sight, not even a distant figure fleeing Fowl manor as fast as they could. For the fifth time in the past six minutes, Artemis slammed the door shut.
Tap, tap, tap.
This time, Artemis noticed something. There was a pale brown owl on the windowsill next to the door, angrily rapping on the glass with it’s beak. A letter hung from a small pouch slung round it’s neck. It looked tired, and it’s feathers were ruffled and dirty.
“Well…that’s, ah…odd. Butler, could you come down here a moment?” Said Artemis is a calm, unperturbed voice.
Artemis flung open the window, and the owl burst inside, collapsing on the tiled floor. A minute later, Butler cam thumping down the stairs, cautiously fingering his Sig Sauer
“Artemis, are-what? An owl?”
“Yes…rather strange.” Artemis bent down and pulled a letter from the sack slung around the unconscious owl’s neck. He glanced it over, raising an eyebrow once or twice, then handed it to Butler, who read it aloud.
Dear Master Fowl,
We here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry would like to humbly extend to you an invitation to our esteemed establishment. We are very aware of the fact that you are several years over age, and we regret not extending this invitation to you at an earlier stage of your life. However, things have been very troubled for us these past several years. No doubt by now you’ve begun to notice that you have certain special powers and/or abilities. If you are interested, show up at 5602 Dreambark Road, Dublin, at precisely 6 AM on Wendsday, November 4th, 2011
-Best wishes and respects,
Minerva Mcgonagall, Acting Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Butler turned to Artemis and raised an eyebrow.
“Artemis, I hope you’re not actually thinking about-”
“I am.” said Artemis, smoothing back his hair slightly and stooping down to inspect the owl. It was passed out on the tiles of the Fowl’s foyer.
“Frankly, Artemis, this lady sounds like she’s either crazy, or part of some insanely contrived scheme to abduct or kill you. I mean, I’ve seen fairies, but this is just a bit to much. It’s impossible.”
“Butler, may I remind you of a simple fact?”
“I-um…yes. Yes, Artemis?”
Artemis turned to face Butler, plucking the letter from his hands as he did so.
“When you have battled demons, ran from lust-crazed trolls, switched eyes with a fairy, and been controlled by your slightly demented alter ego in a barren, frozen wasteland, then I will permit you to inform me what is possible and what is not.”
Butler stopped, stunned into silence. Artemis reached out one hand and patted his large friend on the shoulder.
“Trust me on this, old friend. It’ll be fine.”
Update’s coming soon!