Image from EoinColfer.com, but I have taken out some of the grid lines, to make it easier on the eye.
“A recruitment letter from the centaur Foaly, technical consultant to the Lower Elements Police.
Trusted ally if you have decoded this gnomish message then you are a deputy officer in the Lower Elements Police. You will not be aware of this face because it is the practice of the LEP to mindwipe our human allies. We do this so they cannot remember being recruited. If you cannot remember the fairy people or our underground city then you cannot betray our existence to the greedy humans.
Of course not all humans are greedy. You, deputy are a noble member of your species, and clever too. We only recruit the best. Our intelligence department studied your file and concluded that you were suitable for LEP membership. At the moment you are only a deputy officer. To become a fully fledged officer you must complete four tasks.
- De-code this message. Something you are well on your way to completing.
- Save life of a member of another species. You can complete this task in any number of ways. Open a window to release a trapped fly. Build a bird bath in your garden. Release a mouse from a trap.
- Achieve a perfect score of a school test or homework assignment. In this job you need to be smart as well as fit.
- Wash yourself every day for a week. This is a difficult assignment especially for human boys who do not like contact with water. If you are going to work underground often in cramped tunnels you will appreciate a partner who does not smell like a hermit dwarf.
Once you have completed these tasks you must summon your recruiting officer in the ancient fashion. Go to your backyard or nearest green area. Make sure you are not being watched. Find a soft spot of ground and burrow a six inch hole with a broom handle or short stick. When your hole is ready tap out the letters L-E-P in horse code. The code for L-E-P is as follows, L = tap, tap, wiggle, tap, E = wiggle, wiggle, tap, P = tap, wiggle, drill. Do this at least a hundred times and our underground sensors will pick up the vibration and send an LEP officer with your uniform and orders.
Good luck deputy.
Well, I don’t think I’m in the LEP, but I guess I can always dream. Perhaps you are?
The four tasks speak for themselves really. The only thing i would like to point out is that its quite advisory to do Number Four ALL THE TIME!
The ritual at the end should be interesting. Try it out sometime, but i think I will quote this part again, “Make sure you are not being watched.”
In fact, its so important, im going to quote it again, “Make sure you are not being watched.”
And again, “Make sure you are not being watched.”
The New UK Version Decoded
"There has never been a regulated scientific study of dwarfs special abilities. What we know about them is based on folklore and hearsay.
The most famous of these abilities is the dwarf tunnelling method by which they eat dirt and air before expelling them out the other end. Though the actual force of this expulsion has never been measured several witnesses have reported windows breaking more than twenty metres away.
It is said that a master recycler can finetune his gas emmisions so that instead of a widespread blast of flatulence he shoots out a concentrated column of wind. Legend has it that one such recycler a certain Blurt Diggums was so accurate with these columns that he could turn on a light switch from the other side of the room.
Dwarfs themselves use casual terms to refer to the strength of their gas emissions. A shirt flapper is a gentle emission that would barely inflate a child’s balloon. A pants ripper is a sturdier blast and would certainly blow a hole in even the sturdiest mterial. A nought to sixty is a right whopper and could accelerate whoever dropped it to dangerous speeds. A strap yourself down is about as strong as it goes and could help a dwarf achieve flight.
And finally the legendary dark side of the room or simply the dark side, if released on a mountain top it could put a dwarf into orbit. There is no evidence that a dark side is anything more than a myth.
All the same if you see a dwarf on a mountain with a red face take cover. You can’t be too careful around dwarf wind."
Thanks to Duck With No Name for decoding!